The Past is Only the Future with the Lights On

Walking back home, I made sure to take small, slow steps - this way I could plan out exactly what I’d have to say to Frank in my head.

It seemed like just yesterday he’d ‘recognized’ me in the coffee shop, and now here I was, ready to confess my love to him (wow. I don’t think it gets any sappier than that).

It made me wonder what our friends’ reactions would be. I mean, obviously they’d been trying to convince us both the feelings were there from day one, but now that one of us was actually doing something about it? They would totally freak.

As I turned onto my street several minutes later, I realized that I’d unintentionally become a bit sidetracked and had completely forgotten about ‘planning.’ Having a minor internal panic attack, not only from this Frank dilemma, but also from the sight of a familiar parked car in my grandma’s driveway, I stepped onto my front porch, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open. I could easily hear grandma’s piercing voice as I stood in the entrance of the house. I waited a few more seconds until dad’s voice, too, met my ears, and I unwillingly entered the kitchen.

“Is that you, Kells?”

I sighed at the sight of three extra faces than I was used to, all staring back at me.

“Hey, dad. What’re you guys doin’ here?” I asked, entering the kitchen nook and immediately receiving a hug from an excited Hannah.

I smiled and brushed the hair out of her eyes as she pulled away, and then she pulled me over to an empty seat in between her mother and herself.

“You didn’t think we’d miss your graduation, now did ya?” my dad asked with a laugh, sitting back in his wooden chair and crossing his hands over his chest.

I just stared at him oddly. Something was going on. He wanted something. I could tell.

“Well, sure. But that’s not until Saturday…” I trailed off, leaning back as well.

My grandma and Jenny kept glancing between the two of us, and Hannah simply colored away in a coloring book she’d, I guessed, brought along with her. Oh, to be so young and oblivious. What did that feel like again?

“I also thought, maybe, we could talk about your plans afterwards,” he suggested, reaching for his blue, plastic cup and taking a drink from it.

I continued to watch him, feeling my jaw clench in anger. If he was going to start with that whole, ‘I’m gonna control every decision you take and every move you make,’ then I was not going to deal with him.

“What about my plans? I already told you what they were,” I replied monotonously.

About a month and a half ago, I’d received my acceptance letter from Rutgers, one of the very few universities my friends and I had applied to. And it wasn’t even a week later when Frank received a letter of his own from there. Mikey and Dahlia had been accepted as well, along with a couple other schools, but decided to join Frank and I at Rutgers instead, where we’d soon be together with the rest of the guys too. It was going to be great, I could already tell. Apparently my father didn’t think so though.

He sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose in between his eyes.

“Yes, however I’m not so sure I approve of these plans,” he told me.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Fortunately for me, I’d only applied to a couple schools, unsure of what I even wanted to do, and Rutgers was the only one I was accepted to; unless you wanted to count the crappy community college located on one of the worst streets in Jersey as an acceptance.

I shook my head at him. Grandma looked a bit worried as she stared at the two of us. She knew how happy I was about this, and for my dad to just go and take that away from me? I would never forgive him.

“Dad. I’ve already been accepted. I’m going to Rutgers,” I told him. “You should be proud of me. Rutgers is hard to get in to.”

Though I figured there was something else going on, another reason for why he didn’t want me going, I played the oblivious card; something I had, obviously, mastered over the last few months.

It was his turn to shake his head. “Honey, I am proud of you. You have no idea. All I’m saying is…maybe you’d like to take a year off first… You’ve been with your grandmother for close to a year now, and, we miss you back home…”

Ah… So that’s what this was about. He felt bad for getting rid of me and now thought he had to pay me back for the time lost that we could have shared together? Right…

Glancing over at Hannah, her hand still moving back and forth with the crayon in her hand, I made myself bite my tongue and looked back up at my dad.

“Well, I’m sorry you feel you’ve screwed up by making me move here. But I’m not changing my plans and nothing you say will convince me.” I abruptly stood up and walked out of the room, right back out the front door.

How was it this man always managed to come back into my life just when it seemed it was getting better - minus the break up with Skyler, obviously?

Flustered, I sat down on my porch swing, figuring a little bit of fresh air would be good before I went back in. I just needed some time to think, that was all. And dad as well. He was being extremely ridiculous with this whole thing. Seriously. I was an adult now, and he had to stop making decisions for me.

Rocking my feet slowly back and forth to move the swing, I heard the door creak open, and was surprised to see my grandma pop out. She had an apologetic smile on her face as she sat down beside me, wrapping a comforting arm around my shoulders.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I told him this would be a bad idea, I told him from the start.” She swayed our bodies from side to side and pulled me into her. “But you know your father. He thinks he’s doing the right thing by trying to make up for his decisions in the past.”

I looked up at her. “I don’t want him to, though. I’m happy with the way things have turned out,” I told her honestly. Moving here was probably the second best thing to ever happen to me; the first being Frank entering my life.

“I tried telling your dad that. But what’re ya gonna do? He’s Italian,” she laughed, and I couldn’t help but laugh knowingly as well. “Do you think you’re up for talking to him again?”

I scoffed, sitting up. Her arm dropped limply to her side and she took this as her cue to stand up. I could sense her eyes on me as she stood silently beside me, but I refused to look her in the eye. Instead, I crossed my arms childishly over my chest and looked down at my lap.

Finally, she sighed. “How bout this; I’ll tell him it’s definitely a no for you, you escape to your bedroom, and I have him leave before he can have another word with you about the topic?”

Grandma always knows best.

I looked up at the old woman and smiled gratefully. Standing up, I threw my arms around her neck in a tight hug.

I don’t think this day could be any more dramatic than it already was. I mean, first a talk with Ray and Gerard, then a break up with Skyler, now this? Too much. Way too much.

I sat back down on my bench, not quite ready to go back in, as I watched my grandma enter the house once more. At about the same time her door closed, I heard another one open. Instinctively, I turned my head to the left, smiling when a familiar face came into view. I’d noticed he was wearing a different outfit than he’d worn to school. Even though it consisted of only a pair of black Dickies and a gray button-up, it looked much nicer and cleaner than the dark denim skinnies and the Smiths tee he’d been wearing earlier.

“Hey, Frankie,” I said as he stepped out onto his porch and began locking the door behind him. He immediately lifted his head and looked over in my direction, instantly smiling back. But that smile soon wiped clear off his face, and I couldn’t understand why. “You goin’ somewhere?” I asked.

He glanced down at his outfit than looked back at me and nodded. I stood up and walked over to the railing separating our porches.

“Where?” I asked curiously. He continued to just stand there silently. Eventually, he came over to the railing as well, stuffing his hands into his front pockets and looking straight at me.

“I was just gonna go to a show,” he said, shrugging nonchalantly. “Nothin’ big. Just something local. I just…need a break from everything, ya know? All the stress is getting to me, I think. I figured a show would be good for me.”

I nodded my head, smiling at him. “Good for you, Frankie,” I said. Frank had been stressing about graduation as well. For a while, he had been worried he wouldn’t even be able to graduate because he didn’t have enough credits, but it just ended up being a typo on the school’s part, so they basically had him worried over nothing. “Do you have time to talk real quick before you leave?” I asked, biting my lip.

He glanced down at his watch, biting his lip as well, then looked back up at me and smiled.

“I always have time for you, love.”

Once I’d crossed the railing over to his porch, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his swing.

“What’s up, doll?”