The Past is Only the Future with the Lights On

“So,” I began, only to stop talking completely and start playing unconsciously with a loose string on the hem of my Op. Ivy shirt.

For what felt like the millionth time - which, it probably was - I’d gotten ahead of myself and hadn’t actually figured or planned out what I would tell Frank. It didn’t have to be this hard, I kept telling myself. All I really had to do was open my mouth and let the words drift on out.

‘I heard you wanted to take me to prom, and, hey, coincidentally, I just broke up with my boyfriend for you.’

See? Easy as pie. Or was it cake? No…that’s slice of cake. Maybe? Hmm…lets ponder this a bit longer…

“So?” Frank repeated, laughing lightly beside me. “What is it, Kells?”

I looked at him. Though his face appeared stressed out and tired as hell, dark rings under his drained, lifeless eyes, I could see that it was actually quite a bit softer and more gentle than it had been lately; something only someone who knew him inside and out would notice. It was as if a new person had suddenly stepped into my Frankie - or, rather, an old person. This was the Frank I knew. Not the moody, blah Frank I’d seen the last few weeks.

“Uhm, yeah, right,” I said rather slowly, clearing my throat and momentarily biting my lip. “So, I ran into Ray and Gee earlier,” I started once more.

I studied his face, waiting for some kind of reaction to show. Apparently my words meant nothing to him, however, because he kept the same smile on his lips; small and almost encouraging, but just short of touching his eyes.

“And they had something…fairly interesting to tell me.” I looked back down and twiddled my thumbs.

Gah. I really hated talking sometimes.

“Its kind of stupid, really. I mean, I don’t even know what I hope to accomplish by telling you this. Or maybe asking you this? I don’t even know…” I sighed as I spoke.

He scrunched his forehead in a confused manner, probably wondering what the hell was going on in my head.

“Why are you so nervous, Kelly?”

As he laughed at my little antics, I could faintly hear grandma talking to my father next door, most likely trying to calm him down or some shit.

“What do you mean?” I asked, glancing at his sideways smile, this one actually seeming to have some sort of spark of life in it.

“Come on now, love. I know what you do when you’re anxious about something. Now spill it.” He continued smiling, and I almost wanted to feel flattered for him noticing, but I had other things to worry about.

Like, telling him.

Knowing I wasn’t going to get it out any other way and that this probably wouldn’t be very successful, I just blurted my explanation out like word vomit.

“Frank, they told me that you had been planning on asking me to prom.”

As this left my mouth, it seemed the world had stopped right before my eyes. Frank’s body became rigid and completely motionless on the swing. Any trace of a smile was instantly washed away. And just when I thought he’d lost all ability to even flinch, after seconds of silence, he finally rose to his feet and walked to the railing. The silence that continued from there for a few more minutes was beginning to seem unbearable.

“I’m sorry, Frank,” I said quietly, bowing my head almost shamefully. “I wasn’t trying to upset you -”

“Did they say anything else?” he demanded, cutting me off and pivoting on his heels to quickly face me.

It took me a second to fully register what he’d asked. The guys were pretty cautious that they didn’t say anything else. Was there something they’d been keeping from me? Obviously Frank had told them about his plans to ask me to prom. Maybe there had been more to it though…

I shook my head in response to his question. “No. Why? Should I know something else?”

I looked at him suspiciously, in which case he simply shook his head and faced the other way again. “Nope. Just wondering.”

Hmmm… Right…

With his back still facing me, I finally stood up and walked to the railing as well. For a while, I just stared across the street, waiting, hoping he would say something. At last, I gained the courage to look at him, also deciding the timing seemed right to tell him about my sudden availability, when I noticed his eyes already glued to my face.

“Frank, I -” I began, my voice cracking.

“I think I’m gonna take off,” he said, abruptly silencing me. “Don’t want to be late for the show.”

I watched incredulously as he skipped down his porch steps, one by one, and began walking down the pathway.

Was he seriously shrugging this whole thing off?

“So, that’s it?” I asked, feeling my eyes begin to sting. He stopped walking, almost to the sidewalk, and slowly turned back around. “You’re just going to leave me standing here without any sort of explanation?”

He winced slightly, then opened his mouth a few times to speak, struggling with the correct words to use.

“You don’t understand,” he told me, grabbing the back of his neck and looking at the pavement beneath him.

“Oh really?” I asked, anger taking over the short sorrow I felt as I walked down the steps, too, stopping a few feet away from him. He seemed surprised by my actions, and truth be told, so did I, but he said nothing. “Then why don’t you fucking help me understand?”

Again, he rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging before looking back up at me, a desperate hint in his eyes.

“People make mistakes… Mine just happened to be convincing myself I might be able to be more than your best friend.”