Shooting Stars and Satellites

I had been stuffing forkful after forkful of food into my mouth since my mom set my dinner plate in front of me. I knew that I was being slightly obvious, as I hadn’t eaten this much in weeks, but God, I was starving. As I took the time to sip my coke, I realized that Kennedy was staring at me … well, glaring, would be a better word. He knew what I had done, and I knew that he was upset with me, but I didn’t really care too much at the moment.

“So, our appointment is at eight in the morning, Alaska. We should be there about twenty to thirty minutes earlier, though, just in case, okay?” my mother told me for the umpteenth time.

I nodded my head. “I’ll be up at six-thirty.”

She smiled and her and my father exchanged a glance that I couldn’t quite interpret, but it seemed important. I shrugged it off and finished my plate before standing up and walking into the kitchen, rinsing it off.

“I hope you know I’m extremely pissed at you, but I’m biting my tongue. It’s your life, and I’m realizing that,” Kennedy stated, coming beside me to rinse off his own plate.

I smiled. “I appreciate it.”

He nodded his head. “So, did John go with you?”

“Why does that matter?”

“It doesn’t really … I was just wondering,” he said.

“Well, he did. But he didn’t smoke much, to be honest.”

“I guess that’s a good thing.” His eyes wandered down to my ring, and stayed there.

I knew that wearing the ring would entitle my hand to a few stares, but I figured after a few days, people would get used to it. However, everyone still seemed to be stuck on the piece of jewelry, even my parents.

“Well, I’m gonna go lie down. I have a big day tomorrow,” I said, feigning a yawn.

At that, he looked up and into my eyes. “I know mom and dad are going with you already, but I’d like to go, too, ‘Laska. I want to be there for you this time,” he told me.

I smiled. “I’d like that, Kenny. I’ll see you in the morning.” I gave him a hug before running up to my room.

I laid down on my bed, letting a huge breath out. Tomorrow would undoubtedly be one of the biggest days of my life, but I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. Just the idea of it, of seeing those men again, or setting up a date to see them again, seemed too farfetched for me to believe.

I rolled onto my side, staring out of my window and into the dark sky, hoping that some answer would be written out for me in it. But, of course, there wasn’t one.

I fiddled with the ring, twirling it around and around. I know that it’s a foolish thing to say, but for some reason, the ring makes me feel closer to Gavin … almost as if I’m wearing a part of him. And I know that it seems as if I’m finally moving on from him, but I’m not. There’s still an aching in my chest, and I still have yet to fully grasp the concept of his death.

But there’s not much that I or anybody else can do about that. Gavin was a huge part of me, and with him being gone, it only makes sense that that part of me is gone, as well.

__________________________________________________________________

The meeting hadn’t gone exactly as I expected.

I expected that I would walk into that investigation room with my head high and full of confidence with my family by side. I expected to give those assholes an ear full of exactly how much pain they had left me to suffer with. I expected to see their faces full of guilt and sympathy for what they had done.

But when I walked into that room, the only thing I could think about was how I felt that night in those woods, with each one of them on top of me … touching me. My head hung low and I kept quiet, only answering to the questions that were directed at me. And the few times that I did look up, I saw their eyes … the intensity of hate burning in them terrified me, because I knew that feeling was meant for me. They didn’t look the least bit sorry or guilty, and if anything, it looked as if they were happy with what they had done to me and to Gavin.

I had never felt so weak. I had had a chance to tell them what I felt, to say something … anything, and I didn’t. Instead, I let them win – again. I showed them how much power they had over me – what ruins they had left me in.

“Everything will be fine, ‘Laska. The court date’s only a week away and everything will be fine,” Kennedy told me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

I could only nod my head as I kept my eyes glued to the ground. I felt like complete shit and I didn’t want to open my mouth, in fear that I’d spill everything out.

Once we were outside, I quickly jumped into the backseat of our mother’s car, wanting nothing more than to get away from this building and the people that were inside of it. When my father started up the car, he and my mother began talking immediately about the court date, but I wanted nothing more than for them to shut up.

I felt sick to my stomach, and with every turn of the vehicle, I felt as if I were going to vomit. I placed my hand over my mouth, gulping.

“You okay?” Kennedy questioned. God, I was so sick of that question. It was all that everyone seemed to be asking me lately.

I ignored him as we pulled into our driveway, running out of the car and straight into the downstairs bathroom, where I let everything out. But even as I flushed the toilet, I still felt sick.

I wiped my eyes as I stared at myself in the mirror. I shook my head and rinsed my mouth out with water, before walking out. Thankfully, no one seemed to have followed me. I turned for the stairs, wanting to go up to my room.

“Alaska?”

“Don’t you have a home, O’Callaghan?” I sighed, closing my eyes, not bothering to turn around.

He chuckled. “I do, but I prefer this house instead.” I could feel him approaching me as he spoke. “How did things go today?”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.” With that, I began climbing the stairs. But, of course, John had to follow behind me. “I really don’t want to talk about it, John,” I said with more aggression, as I kicked off my shoes.

He sat down on my bed and stared at me. “Then we don’t have to talk about it.”

I rolled my eyes as I took a seat beside him. “What are you doing here?”

“I just want you to know that you can count on me, Dove – for anything. I’m here anytime you need a friend or someone to talk to. Hell, if you just need someone to listen to you, I’m here.” He laid his hand over mines, and looked me in the eyes. “Okay?”

I nodded my head as tears sprang to my eyes. “Thanks, John.”

He gave a small smile. “You’re welcome.”

After a moment of debating the thought in my head, I gave in and turned to John. “Can you just listen for now?”

He laughed and nodded his head. “My ears are open.”

I smiled before opening my mouth. “Today – today wasn’t supposed to go the way it went,” I started, licking my lips. “I wanted to walk into that room, with pure confidence, and mouth off to each of them. I wanted them to know how much fucking hurt they’ve caused me, and I wanted them to be sorry – so sorry.” I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away, although it was pointless as more followed. “But I didn’t, John. I walked into that room feeling as small as I felt the night they raped me … I could barely even talk, because I could feel their eyes on me. And – and when I looked up at them, they smiled – they fucking smiled, John. They weren’t sorry or even regretful. They were happy. And I, like the fucking idiot I am, let them feel powerful by not saying anything … not a goddamn thing! I sat there like a mute and let them know that they won … they won, John.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, like Kenny had done, and pulled me into his side, resting his chin atop my head. “You weren’t ready to face them today. I could tell you weren’t by the way you reacted yesterday when the lawyer called. Nobody can blame you for that, Dove. Nobody. What those bastards did to you, I could literally kill them for. But they’ll get what they deserve, Alaska, trust me. When your court date gets here, they’ll have hell to pay. And I’ll be sitting right behind you, supporting you every moment. You won’t have to be afraid to speak up, because no one will be able to hurt you, Dove. I promise.”

I wrapped my arms around his torso and buried my face into his chest, feeling protected in his arms. I’d never felt so right in anybody else’s arms … not even in Gavin’s. And that, that made this whole thing shittier. How could John’s arms feel so right, when Gavin’s had once felt perfect to me?