I'm Not Gonna Crack

Staring out of the car's window, my eyes met with the beautiful view of today. It was incredible - the sun was up in the perfectly blue skies, lighting the entire land; the warmth of the weather could be seen before even felt; there was an amazing color of summer shining through the air. The car was parking on the beach and has been for a few hours; the special smell of the sea was no longer noticeable, at least not to me, because we've been here for a while. The coast was filled with people of all ages and genres – it was a perfect day to go to the beach.

A perfectly beautiful day – the sun is shining, people are laughing, the sky is blue, birds are twittering and I killed my friend last night.

Of course, I never meant to do anything. It wasn't my fault; I didn't do anything I swear that I didn't! But now I'm breathing, and he doesn't. One of the closest people to me in the world is now buried deep under the dirty damn ground and I'm here, at the beach, watching this beautiful day and kids playing around.

Why am I here? Why am I still alive? Why am I so free? Wasn't something supposed to happen to me too? I was there. I'm the only one to blame – why doesn't anybody arrest me?!

"Brian?” A familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. I tried my best to keep my gaze with the outside, anything to avoid him. Slightly shaking my head, I followed with my eyes after two kids that were running around the beach. Next to me, on the driver seat, was sitting Jimmy – my best friends, one of the people I knew best, one of the people who knew me best; my brother, almost.

My eyes shut closed when I felt pressure on my shoulder. The image in front of my eyes vanished in much less of a second, becoming a big black stain filled of nothing, nothing at all. Things disappear so easily. When I will open my eyes, it would take time for my brain to adjust the view of light and a few seconds for the images to appear clearly – but when closing them? It doesn't take time at all. Just like everything else at life, just like life.

"Are you ready? It's time to go” the voice didn't let me go. I shook my head harder than previously, much harder. Every emotion inside of me and all the anger I was holding was about to snap out of me and I wasn't ready to cope with that. Last thing I wanted right now is to let the guilt get the best of me, I needed to calm down – but that wasn't possible! How can I calm down when I killed someone so important to me? How is it ever possible to deal with it?

The pressure on my shoulder disappeared - Jimmy took his hand back from me, and I stopped shaking my head. My breathing was heavy, and I tried to calm down, or at least control myself. I couldn't, I could barely breathe. The mixture emotions were driving me mad – I felt so much at once; I was sad, nervous, guilty, angry, shocked and whatnot. I was a wreck, a complete wreck.

Jimmy was the person I turned to when everything happened, he was the first to know and the only one I have spoken to. I was terrified when everything happened, and confused too, so I did what I always do – I ran to my best friend to get some help. I didn't know what to do, it was the middle of the night and I was high. It took me so long to find his place, and even longer to speak. At start, I just mumbled and I'm not sure if I actually said some words – if I did, they surely weren't sentences. He didn't ask me anything, he never does, and eventually I found myself telling him everything – like I always do.

"I don't know what happened, we were just hanging out. Billy and I, we were just hanging out on the roof like we always do, you know that we always do, you know, the roof. We were just hanging out like always, we did nothing different I swear. I just went with Billy to the roof. And we smoke, you know…that thing we always smoke and it was really awesome we got real high and then…I don't remember what happened then. Well I do but not all it's not even blurry just gone completely gone I remember Billy and then there is a part I don't remember like a few minutes – I have no idea how many – that just erased from my memory or something I don't know, I just remember that I looked for him and he wasn't on the roof so I thought he took off and was going to take off too but then he was just laying there on the floor and he wasn't moving and I tried to wake him up and he didn't so I panicked and I ran all the way over here I swear that I didn't mean to do anything Jimmy I don't know what I did! I think that I killed him.”

After I let it all out last night I didn't feel better, I felt much worse. Jimmy stayed calm the whole time, just peaceful blue eyes that were looking at me with sympathy. He wasn't angry, he just told me to go to sleep and that he would take care of it. I don't get him, I really don't. Billy and he were much, much closer than I and Billy ever were – if I were him, I would have kicked the living shit out of myself. But he didn't.

I couldn't fall asleep, I didn't even try to. I just kept thinking of what happened and tried to remember – time went by and before I knew it Jimmy came back and told me that everything's taken care of, but I would need to speak to the cops. And then he pushed me into his car and asked me where I wanted to go. The plan was that we'll calm down for a bit and then I'll go speak to Billy's parents – I don't think that I can do that, I don't think that I can face them. We've been here for a few hours, and I can't even face myself.

Jimmy didn't ask me anything anymore – I didn't respond to anything ever since we got here. I heard the engine roar and before I knew it, the beach wasn't in sight anymore. It was replaced with green of trees that flashed by so quickly I could barely focus on them. Then, there came the buildings that looked the same. There were buildings for a few minutes, not much, until there was only one building – the car had stopped.

"I can't do it” I simply said, sitting steal in the same position I have been for a while. "I can't do it” I said again, shaking my head. I felt myself shaking, I was so nervous. What am I supposed to do? Knock on Billy's parents' door, smile and say that I'm sorry for their loss? I ruined their lives, I took their son away from them and I could never bring him back! His mother is probably broken and I bet his father is already planning his revenge with my death.

From the corner of my eye, I could see a movement behind me. I thought Jimmy was going to put his hand on my shoulder again or try to get me to turn around but instead he slapped me. A hard slap on the cheek, and it hurt. "You have no choice.” He simply stated – he didn't need to say anything more, I knew exactly what he wanted to say with his action. He wanted to get me out of whatever I was at, he wanted to tell that it hurts for everybody and in a way, I think he was also blaming me. As much as he stated it wasn't my fault, I knew he was blaming me – I'm the one to blame here. With shaking head, I got out of the car. I was nervous, I was beyond nervous. I have no idea what I could do and what I should say and I barely knew how I was feeling. I was angry at myself; I can't even imagine how angry at me his family would be.

Slowly, I made my way across the street and faced the door I've been scared of. The name Peterson was written across the door in silver letters and my stomach was going sick. My hands were shaking insanely, my heart was beating ridiculously fast and my mind was driving me insane. I couldn't deal with the guilt, and what might be waiting for me behind the door. How much do they know? Are they going to kill me? Am I going to see them cry? I can't take it! I'm a wreck. I'm a nervous wreck.