Pray To The Killer Stars

There are only so many things that I can feel sympathy for, and Blake's break-up didn't bother me. Well, it didn't at first. But the guilt kind of got to me when I reached my home and realized how rude I had been to Tiffany. It's not like she's innocent, either. She tried to get me to ignore my best friend. How could I do that when I love him? He means the world to me, and though it may seem too lovey-dovey, he seems like the wind beneath my wings. He's the only reason that I go to school. Most of the time I wish that I could just stay with him. I bet that his house is better than mine.

I trudged home, even though there was heavy snow covering the cement. I pulled my jacket closer, but it still didn't seem to get warmer. I had always gotten home alone and lost my friends back at school. It's not like I live in a bad environment. It's just the fact that I don't want them to know the truth. I don't want any of them to find out that I don't have my parents to live with. My dad went missing when I was eight, and my mom took my brothers with her when she moved.

Clare had been a family friend, so it only seemed logical that I would stay with her. It's me, her, and her other adopted children. I guess you could say that I live in a foster home. I know that my friend would notice if they were to visit, too. My “sisters” and “brother” look nothing like me. Two of them are twins and she also took in one little girl from Haiti after the earthquake. She's hoping that I'll be more like her when I grow up. After all, it's obvious that Mathew won't come even close to having a heart. All he cares about is baseball, and all his twin sister cares about is football. I hope that I'll never become as brainwashed as them.

It's not like anybody knew of my sexuality, either, and I wasn't going to tell them anytime soon. They would freak out, especially since they're the biggest homophobes I have ever met. I've never felt so left alone, but I learned how to deal with it a long time ago. I don't let anybody get close to me. At least, it was completely like that until I met Blake. I've never been closer to anybody before Blake. The only person that comes close is Stephanie. And I don't know what I'm going to do when I face her on Monday. Am I supposed to act all sympathetic to her and then run over to Blake to talk to him? That would make the whole group feel awkward.

I don't do well during awkward silences. I tend to get pissed off when nobody talks to each other, but this wasn't a simple situation. It couldn't be fixed as easily as if two people were fighting. No break-up is as simple as when two best friends argue. It's most likely permanent. A couple never gets back together and forgives. Two best friends, on the other hand, tend to get pulled back together within the day, sharing teary apologies and hopeful smiles, praying and crossing her fingers while she hope that the other to forgive her.

I tend to splutter and make a fool of myself in any dangerous situation, and this situation was like stepping on glass. I had no idea what I would have to do to get to my Blake. We weren't even together yet. And all of this goes and happens. It messed it all up, but it gave us new possibilities at the same time.

I don't want to feel guilty. I would if I were to go out with my best friend's ex-boyfriend. I guess I thought the guilt might go away if I were to see my Blake because I turned around and began walking to the hospital unintentionally. One more day and he would be free to go home. The thing is that none of us wanted him to go home. They wanted him to stay safe and not get hurt anymore.

I began to walk faster as a breeze blew by. The hospital's about five blocks from my house, but it seemed like twenty miles as I tried to hurry.

Houses were blurs as I began to ran. Two blocks down. I focused on keeping my breaths even. I needed to see him and hold him to make sure he was real, but I also didn't want to run in out-of-breath.

Three blocks down. I was panting a little. I hadn't ran laps in a couple of days because I was so worried about Blake.

Four blocks. I tried to push myself to go faster.

Five blocks. There were tears that I didn't even know leaking from my eyes and flying into the air behind me because of my speed. The hospital came into view and I didn't even care about the tears anymore. All I cared about was the fact that I needed to see my Blake for the first time since the break-up.

“I'm looking for Blake Saunders,” I panted as I approached the front desk. I knew which room he had been in. I had memorized the number, but I didn't know if they had moved him back into the ER or not. I was hoping for the best as I tried to slow my breathing.

“Fifth door to the right.”

“Thank you.” I tried to walk down the hallway, but I felt like a snail. It felt like one of those nightmares where you're never fast enough. I didn't like the feeling of not being able to see my Blake quicker. But he wasn't even mine, yet.

I threw open the door once I reached his room and ran up to his bed without a second to spare. He smiled once he saw who it was, but he cocked an eyebrow at the same time. Then a frown traveled across his face, but I had no idea why.

“Charles, what happened?”

I was perplexed. “What do you mean? I just needed to see you.” The small smile that had been on my face vanished, too.

“Why are you crying? Hey, come here.” He grabbed a tissue and tried to guide me to the side of the bed, but I began to wipe the tears away by myself. I didn't need someone else taking care of me. I trust him, though. I didn't know why I was pushing him away, just like everybody else in my life. I lost so many friends because I thought that I didn't need any help. I shoved them away in body and in mind. I didn't want them anywhere near me anymore, and sometimes I have no idea why I do this. I have no idea why I feel what I do. It's like I'm running on a branch, one second I'm okay and I fall off the next. I feel like I'm going to break something one day.

“No.”

“Charles, what did I do?” My mistake. He thought that it was his fault that I didn't let him wipe away the tears. He probably blamed himself for why I was crying, too, but I didn't even know why. It felt like my heart had been wrenched out of chest when I was out in the cold, but once I had seen him I felt better. Maybe the tears had only been there because of the cold.

“It's not you. It was just the cold.”

“Oh.” That smile that I had come to love appeared on his face again. I felt like smiling, too, when I saw that. All of a sudden, I realized what I needed. I needed to know that my Blake was the one laying in front of me. I needed to know that this wasn't a dream and that he was really there. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

We broke off, but I was surprised when he pulled me down again. It was weird being taller than him for once. Technically, I guess I wasn't. The bed he was laying on just made it seem that way. When he got out, I would have to get used to his height again. And maybe we would have to rearrange some things. I admit, it was a little weird to have a full-blown make-out session in a hospital room, but I didn't have time to feel guilty. My mind was someplace else. I was up in the clouds. The only other person was my angel, the one person that I hope I never push away from me, Blake.

When we finally broke off, I was panting and he was smiling. I listened to him breathing hard. It seemed to calm me down and get me to breathe properly. I couldn't help but smile. I had never felt so lightheaded before, but I had also never felt so happy. It was like all my worries had vanished. It was just me and Blake in the room. There was nobody else to interrupt our moment.

“Charles,” Blake managed to murmur.

“Yeah?”

“My m-mom's gonna be here in a couple of minutes. You need to get home, okay?”

My mind was too much in a haze to fully comprehend what he had just said, but I nodded. Then cool water seemed to hit me when I turned around. I whipped back around and stared hard at him.

“Your mom is coming to see you?” I nearly screamed. She never does anything for him. She never comes to school meetings and she's always drunk every time I go over to Blake's house. What changed her mind this time? Who made her come see Blake in the hospital?

“Yeah, it's not as bad as you think it is. The doctor just suggested that she come here.” I tried to search his eyes, but he looked at the wall on the other side of the room to avoid eye-contact.

“And she's actually doing what the doctor suggested?”

“Yeah, it's a surprise, huh?” He chuckled and looked up at me again. He had seemed to compose himself enough to look at me.

“Definitely. Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you while she's here? Or at least stay until she comes?” Something flickered in his eyes. I didn't have time to really catch what it was, but I did have a notion. It looked like fear. What is there to fear about his mother? Well, beside the fact that she might get so drunk that she'll never wake up again.

“No,” he told me too quickly. “But can I ask you something? It might make me feel better.”

I would do anything to make him feel better. “Sure, ask away.”

“Are we together?”

My eyes widened and my hands slipped off his bed. I didn't know what to say. I guess I didn't want to make a commitment yet. “I don't know, Blake.”

I saw his face fall. “Then how do we find out?”

“I don't know. There's no rulebook for this type of thing. I love you, though.” I looked down at my hands when I blushed.

“I love you, too.”