Inside...

dear brother ,

once daddy died , you weren't the same. you weren't innocent , or pure like you were before.

you started sneaking out , slitting your screens. never a sound was made to give away what you were doing in the middle of the night.

I was nine.

our brother died two years after. sister was okay , I was okay , mom was okay , but you lost it. you weren't the same.

you started burning your skin with lighters , branding yourself to something so secret. this is the life you began to live , just as you left mine ...

you beat mom. she kicked you out because no longer obeyed her rules. she says you told her that she ruined your life. how can you possibly say that to someone who broke down just as hard when her husband and her son died ?

she had to take care of all of is kids , and money was scarce. those times will haunt me forever. why was it so easy for you to forget us , throw us out of your life ?

worst of all , you left without saying good-bye.

I was eleven.

you left and I would still hope that you'd pull yourself together and come back to us , but you never did. we let things rest for a while and soon , it was your birthday. i called you. I called for three years , but you never answered , or you were too busy to talk on your birthday. the dial tone was soothing as I cried into the phone. why didn't you love me ? did you ever ?

two years passed and you fell in love with a girl. you promised to marry her , but we were never notified about this. we found out when you guys came empty handed to our Christmas eve get - together.

it stayed like that for a few years , just a drop in every thanksgiving or Christmas. the sickening part is , besides my mother , I was the only one who ou never said 'hi.' to.

it was cruel , and heartbreaking to watch you come and go. without any words my way , we stayed silent to each other all those years. I never called you on your birthday anymore. you never called me on mine to begin with.

I was young , and I never understood what I had done to deserve such silence from you all those years.

but now I am older. I'm no longer that innocent and pure little girl that you may remember from a long time ago. years passed , I got stronger , I learned to let go of the people who I didn't matter to , even though they meant the world to me.

I grew up , got into things I shouldn't have been caught up in. I guess somewhere down there , you're still my hero and inspiration.

so whenever you try to make yourself part of my life again , it will forever be easier said than done.

how could a brother do that to a sister when she never asked for any of it ?

you're pretty sick in the head.

forever you'll have my unconditional love ,
Courtney