Somewhere Weaknesses Are Strength

Silence filled the library. Sebastian lounged in one of the cushy chairs, watching Holly. To her surprise, the handmaid wasn't talking. It was odd not to hear the continuous flow of words streaming from the young girl's mouth as she looked at books. Sebastian had grown accustomed to the girl's silence-hating nature in the short time of knowing her.

"Why aren't you talking?" Sebastian asked.

She almost jumped at the sound of her own voice echoing in the quiet library. Holly seemed just as shocked. She jolted to face Sebastian, concentration clearly shaken.

"I'm just listening," Holly answered.

"To what?"

What was there to listen to in the quiet library?

"To make sure that if you cry again, I'll be by your side quicker."

Holly had been listening for the sobs this time. Earlier, she hadn't really been listening much. It wasn't till she looked at Sebastian that she noticed the girl was crying while she was talking.

And she felt terrible about that.

She should have been paying more attention to Sebastian. Her only duty was to take care of Sebastian, and it seemed like she failed. She would do better this time.

"You responded fine earlier."

"If I had responded quickly enough, you wouldn’t have asked for Mistress Williams."

"What?"

Holly couldn't possibly have been insecure about Sebastian going to Hayley, could she? Sebastian's need to see the captain had nothing to do with Holly. She hadn't realized the request would upset Holly.

"I didn't try to help you soon enough, so you asked for Mistress Williams," Holly explained, "I'll do my job better this time, I promise."

The failure Holly had been feeling didn't make itself known until Sebastian was safely tucked away in Hayley's study. Reflecting on the situation in the library by herself had been a bad decision, but Holly couldn't help it.

"Holly, that's not true. I didn't go to Hayley because of you."

"You didn't?"

"No."

"Then why did you demand I bring you to Mistress Williams?"

Ducking her head to hide her flush, Sebastian mumbled, "I missed her."

"You would have seen her at dinner time."

"That was too long to wait. I'm used to seeing Hayley every morning, and I was upset she wasn't there."

"You really like her, don't you?"

Pulling her eyes from her skirt, Sebastian met Holly's gaze. The young girl seemed excited, pulled into her fantasy world where Sebastian was an island girl who had been saved and Hayley was the knight in shining armor. Sebastian wished she lived in that world, too. It would have made the whole situation easier. She would have a clear reason for her care for Hayley if the pirate had saved her from legitimate danger.

Hayley had kept her alive. Death was enough to be saved from, right? Even if Hayley was the cause of her country's destruction.

But Hayley hadn't been completely at fault. She had been hired by a king that Sebastian thought was her father's friend. Hayley was paid to destroy everything, and now she was protecting the only heir to the throne from being taken away. She was going against orders and putting her life at risk to keep the princess alive.

It was slightly romantic.

"I guess I do," Sebastian answered.

Though she didn't fully understand it, she couldn't deny she at least cared for the captain. Whether or not she liked her was a completely different matter. Or she thought it was. She had been trying to use her common sense to reason through the emotions she was feeling, and it wasn't working. It was only pushing her into a puddle of confusion.

Romance wasn't really a matter of common sense, was it?

"You don't sound sure."

"Because I'm not sure."

"Shouldn't you know, though? When you love someone you're supposed to just know. Isn't that how it goes?"

"I wish I knew the answer to that."

No one had ever explained the workings of love to her. She didn't know if her parents were ever in love. They made no indication of caring that significantly about each other. Their marriage had been an arranged one. Money, power, titles, that was the basis of their relationship, not love. Never love.

But they did respect each other. Her father waited till her mother passed away to start collecting mistresses. Most members of royalty wouldn't have waited. And her mother had stayed true to him. She didn't stray, didn't beat the children, didn’t lock herself in her bedchamber to avoid his touch. She had been a good wife and mother until the weeks before her suicide.

Those weeks had been scary.

"Well, you both have some feelings for each other. That much is obvious," Holly stated.

"Is it?"

"Of course. You two have something, this spark, between you. It's kind of beautiful and amazing."

"A spark?"

"You know what I mean. A connection, a bond, attraction to each other that can't be broken by anything else. Whether conscious or not, you both seem to only have eyes for each other."

"I never noticed."

"All things considered, you would have to feel something for her or you would still be in her room, pretending to be ill to get out of seeing her at dinner."

A small smile played on Sebastian's lips, "I could never do that."

"Why?"

"Because I can't bring myself to want to be away from her."

"That should tell you something about your feelings for Mistress Williams."

"You're awfully smart for your age."

"I'm only two years your junior."

"I thought you were younger."

"I get that a lot."

Sebastian studied the handmaid. Holly certainly didn't look fifteen, ready for marriage and the start of a family. She reminded Sebastian more of a child in the way she carried herself, in her actions. Not that she was immature. No, she wasn't that. She was just excited easily. Far easier than any women ready for marriage that Sebastian knew. She was eager to please, too, very similar to Sebastian when she first started her studies.

Even now, nibbling on her lip, questions running through her eyes, Holly didn't look older. She looked like a child ready to ask a question to quench her need for knowledge.

"You and Mistress Williams have been intimate, right?" Holly asked.

That was the question Sebastian had been expecting. She imagined she looked the same when she asked her father about the process of making children. The talk he had given her was different from the one her oldest brother gave her years later, to say the least.

Neither talk was helping her much.

"To an extent, yes, we have."

Surprisingly, Sebastian wasn't embarrassed to answer the question. Sexual habits had seemed like something she would want to hide from others. It wasn't exactly an appropriate topic for ladies of her rank to be discussing. Most young ladies below her rank didn't talk about it either.

But she didn't see why she should be embarrassed to admit she and Hayley enjoyed each other's touch.

Holly left the bookshelf she had been looking at, walking to Sebastian's side. Careful not to hurt her knees as she had done earlier, she lowered herself to the ground and tucked her legs under her body. When settled, her curious gaze returned to Sebastian.

"What's it like?"

"Its," Sebastian paused, searching for the right word, "amazing. Absolutely amazing."

Was there any better way to describe how she felt with each of Hayley's touches?

"It's not awkward?"

"Why would it be awkward?"

"Being that exposed in front of another person seems awkward to me."

Sebastian smiled warmly at Holly. These were question Sebastian had been to afraid to ask. If her mother had been around, she assumed she would have had some ability to pose the question. Anne was great as a nursemaid, but she couldn't take the place of Sebastian's deceased mother, not that fully. Holly was comfortable enough with Sebastian to ask those questions.

Who else would she ask about relations between two women?

"I can't say I wasn't nervous the first time I was nude in front of Hayley, but being exposed becomes the least of your worries. I know I don't focus on much beyond Hayley and her touch."

The world could be ending and Sebastian wouldn't notice anything beyond Hayley.

"Does it hurt?"

"Nothing that we've done so far. It's different being with a woman, though. Sex with a man is focused on child bearing. Penetration is required. With women, it's so much more than that. It's not about procreation because you can't really have children. It's about touch and sensations brought on by those touches. It's almost artistic."

"Have you been with a man?"

Sebastian shook her head, "I've never been married. I had brothers who told me many stories."

"Do you like men?"

"I haven't had a reason to think about it. I'm here for Hayley, not to find a husband."

"Well, how does Mistress Williams know she likes women?"

"I don't know. Why?"

Holly's cheeks flushed, "I was just curious."

"Do you like someone?"

The flush was a clear indicator she wasn't just curious, though that was probably part of the reason for asking.

"No," Holly paused, "Kind of." She paused again, fidgeting slightly under Sebastian's gaze. "Yes," she sighed, "Before you were brought here, I would clean and run errands. I still do run a few errands when I'm not taking care of you. The chefs need a new supply of fresh vegetables and fruits almost daily and milk and eggs weekly, so I end up going to the farms a lot. There's this girl there. She's the farmer's daughter."

"And you like her?"

"How can I not? She's pretty and funny and she makes me happy. Being around her is the most exciting thing ever," Holly smiled, "She taught me how to milk cows last time I saw her. It sounds ridiculous but it was fun because I was with her."

"Would Hayley be upset about this? I mean, if you two beginning courting and eventually marry."

She didn't want Holly to get in trouble.

"Mistress Williams has agreed to provide my dowry in the event I do marry. She wouldn't mind."

Dumbstruck, Sebastian let her jaw drop slightly. Hayley not only provided education for the handmaid, but she was also willing to provide dowry? Sebastian had never met a lord willing to do so.

With each bit of information Sebastian was getting, Hayley's pirate reputation, the one the princess had clearly defined in her mind, was breaking.

And Sebastian liked the woman she was seeing even more.