Love Among the Pizza Boxes

So I had to go to the grocery store to get a new pineapple.
Poor Alfredofred.
He sat in the car a little too long.
Now my car smells like old pineapple.
Old, moldy pineapple.
I’m gonna miss you, buddy.
And on my way back home, I pass through a park. And it’s got a fountain.
A bronze fisherman stands proudly in the middle.
A hand dangles over the edge of the fountain’s wall.
I park the car, leaving Fred in the back seat of my car.
I run over to the fountain and I’m already soaking wet.
There’s a girl in the fountain.
There’s a girl that looks a lot like Shayla in the fountain.
Shayla’s in the fountain.
“Shayla?” I call over the noise of the rain, and tap her shoulder furiously.
Her head lolls to the side and she looks way beyond me, yet her eyes are on my chin.
“I’m a woman… In a fountain… And I’m drunk!” And then she passes out.
What the hell?
I pick her up and carry her bridal style and set her in the passengers’ seat of my pineapple-y smelling car.
And when I get to the apartment, I pass the doorman, who’s sitting at the front desk reading Jane Austen.
He looks at me for a moment, then looks at her, then smiles a sly smile.
“Rough night?” he asks, and waggles his eyebrows at me.
I stare back emotionlessly and flip him off.
I can’t tell if he saw it though.
Anyways.
So we’re in my apartment now.
I sigh and carry her into my bedroom that I never use.
I set her on the unmade bed.
She’s still soaking wet.
Not to mention freezing cold.
She may die of hypothermia if she stays in those wet clothes…
Oh god.
“Uh…. Shayla?” I tap her shoulder again. “Shayla? Wake up!”
Oh, Lord.
I shake her shoulders a little.
She weakly starts slapping my face and then passes out again.
Oh, no…
Well.
Gary is a happy camper tonight.
Gross.
So I go into my dresser and I pull out a pair of pajama pants and the first shirt I find, which is a faded Led Zeppelin tee.
Sexy.
And then I set those clothes at the foot of the bed and begin to peel her clothes off.
So I start with her shorts. Well, her shoes and such. Then her shorts.
The second time today that I’ve seen her underwear.
Uh…..
Then I put my pants on her.
That is a weird statement.
And then I peel her t-shirt off.
Oh, Lord, help me now.
I blink long and hard. Take a deep breath.
Then I put the Led Zeppelin t-shirt on her.
Drunken people are like heavy rag dolls.
So I cover her with a whole bunch of blankets. Then I set her clothes on the side of the bathtub in the bathroom.
Then I go into the living room and crash on the couch like always.