Love Among the Pizza Boxes

I went home at the regular time.
I didn’t stay late.
So I left with the folks that have meat loaf and happy families to go home to.
At six o’ clock.
And I feel like walking home.
But I don’t.
I crawl into my car and drive home.
And I go inside.
To my empty house.
And my stuffed iguana.
And the picture of a cow.
And memories.
I stop just inside the front door and look around.
I need to clean.
But I don’t want to because I have a stomach ache.
So I drop my keys on the coffee table and look around again.
Nowhere to be. Nowhere to go.
So I think about what people do.
What do people do when they’re alone and hurting?
I think about what Zermine and I did when her boyfriend dumped her.
Zermine did some ironing. That was nice of her.
I turned on some music and then danced around. Then Zermine joined me.
She said that she never really liked… We’ll call him Pablo for privacy’s sake.
But I can’t do that.
Zermine lives a few hours away.
And I hate ironing.
And I can’t say I never really liked Riku because I still do.
And that’s not fair.
But I can turn on some music.
So I do.
And it’s Patsy Cline.
Sad Patsy Cline.
What can I do instead of ironing?
I go into my kitchen.
And I get out a baking sheet.
And some flour and sugar and eggs and…
I’m making cookies because it makes me feel better.
So I do.
And I add chocolate chips to them and try my best at singing with Patsy.
And then I stick them in the oven and press in a time.
“…I go out walkin’ after midnight… Out in the starlight… Just like we used to do.”
Speaking of midnight.
What time is it?
It’s 6:48. Not much time has passed.
The cookies will be done in ten minutes.
I go sit in my chair. And I just sit and nothing else.
I’m staring at the coffee table.
My keys are on top of it.
And a map of stars.
Gram gave that to me.
When I was ten.
I didn’t know what astrology and astronomy and what not were.
But that map is what started it all.
The cookie timer goes off.
I get up and grab some oven mitts and get the cookies out of the oven.
And then I take off the mitts and go sit in my chair again.
The cookie smell is making me sick.
I bury my head in the cushions.
That’s better.
It’s comfy in here.
I pull the blanket from the arm of the chair and put it over me.
It’s like a little fort.
I made forts with my cousin once upon a time.
I curl up into a ball in my fort.
And then I realize I’m missing something.
I get up and go fetch Hector from my bedroom.
I clutch him to my chest and go back under the blanket.
It’s warm.
But my tummy still hurts.
I press Hector to my stomach, hoping that will make it go away.
It doesn’t.
I try and get my mind off it.
So I think about my day.
Perfectly uneventful.
Joe’s visit was a little weird but then again- That’s Joe.
He told me to listen to my heart and I would know what to do.
Well.
There’s a problem there, Joe.
My heart’s not talkin’.
So I attempt to listen to my heart as I slowly doze off under the covers.
………..
I wake up suddenly.
I’m still under the covers but it feels late.
I throw off the blanket and look out the nearest window.
It’s nighttime.
I yawn and stretch.
I think I had a dream.
I think my heart was a plate of talking cookies.
It told me to eat it.
I’m not going to eat my heart.
That’s gross.
Patsy Cline has stopped singing.
I wonder what time it is.
So I go into the kitchen and check.
It’s a little after midnight.
I want to look at the stars.
Did my heart say that?
I don’t think so.
Maybe?
How do you know if your heart’s talking anyways?
I go out my front door and onto the grass of the front lawn.
It’s wet.
The sprinklers must’ve gone off.
I lay down in the cool grass.
The stars are somewhat visible in some places.
I wiggle my bare feet through the grass.
The stars don’t look like the observatory stars.
The observatory…
What are first chances?
What was Joe talking about anyways?
He just kinda started talking to me about chances.
Second chances.
And if second chances weren’t needed. Then first chances.
Chances. Hm.
Listen to my heart.
Yeah.
Listen.
My legs are itching to walk. So I get up and start walking down the sidewalk, looking up at the stars.
I go out walking after midnight.
Patsy Cline.
“I go out walkin’… After midnight… Out in the starlight… Just like we used to do.”
Who’s ‘we’, Patsy?
Who’s ‘we’, Shayla?
Heart?
Is that you?
I poke at my chest.
Alright. I’ll play along.
I went out walking in the starlight with someone.
Yep.
But who?
Someone who is… Gone.
Yep. Gone.
He’s not gone, Shayla.
I know, Heart.
But he doesn’t want me.
Second chances.
Second chances?
And what if someone doesn’t even need a second chance? What if they need a first chance?
Without knowing, I’m in front of his apartment building.
My legs are in cahoots with my heart I guess.
Right, Joe?
I walk in.
The doorman raises his eyebrows at me.
I walk over to him because I don’t know what room he’s in.
He sorta smiles like he knows me. “Hello there, little miss.”
I roll my eyes. “What room is… Riku Eraqus… in?”
Why does it hurt to say his name?
Can my heart tell me that?
His smile only widens. “Of course – I should’ve known. He’s in fifteen.”
“Thanks.”I turn around.
Creeper.
I find fifteen and knock on the door three times.
I hear a sound come from inside that sounds like something falling. Then the doorknob turns slowly and the door opens.
His eyelids are drooping and his hair is really disheveled.
What am I doing here?
“Tell me what happened.”
Oh. Well I guess that’s why.
Riku blinks hard and takes a deep breath. His eyelids aren’t so droopy anymore.
“Do you want to come in?” he asks, and it’s a little hard to understand him because he’s slurring his words.
I nod slowly.
What am I doing?
Riku steps to the side to let me in.
I walk past him.
And my heart speeds up so fast.
What am I doing here?
Riku closes the door and sits on the back of his couch.
“Do you want to sit somewhere?”
I shake my head.
What am I doing here?
“’Kay.” He sighs. “She came over one day. She invited herself in and sat on my couch and told me she missed me. She raked her fingernails on my arm and she wrung my neck out like a mop and she tried to kiss me. I fell off the couch and accidently kicked her in the face and then she left.” He yawns and stretches and I just now realize he’s shirtless. “And that’s what happened.”
I nod again. And then I look at the ground, still nodding.
What do I do now?
Is that all I came for?
To hear the words I already heard?
No.
That isn’t why I came.
“Why didn’t you kiss her back?”
“Because I didn’t want to. I still don’t want to.” He’s been looking at the carpet this whole time. “Because the whole time she was here, I wasn’t thinking about kissing her. I was thinking about how gross her face was and how it looked like a zit graveyard. And then I thought about you.” He looks at me. “And then I kicked her out of my house.”
I might’ve found some of this sweet or funny at any other time.
Heart? Are you happy yet?
“… Can you tell me why Kairi told me you kissed her?”
I guess not.
“She hates to see me happy.” He’s still looking at me. “She hates to see me with you.”
“Friends don’t do that,” I say. I know that Zermine wouldn’t do that.
“No, they don’t.” And that’s all he says.
And now my heart is full of things to say.
Things I can’t say.
Things I can’t say today.
Or tomorrow.
I miss you.
That’s what it really wants to say.
It wants him to hold me and miss me too.
I wonder if his heart wants to, too.
But then my heart wants to say something that I can say. Something I’ve been thinking about saying for a little while now.
“I’m sorry,” I say. And I look at the ground.
He stands up off of the back of the couch and leans down, trying to catch my eye.
My heart beats so fast, it hurts.
Why do I feel like I’m going to cry again?
I gather my courage and look him in the eye.
My heart beat speeds even more and it’s a big drum inside of me.
And then he just stares at me.
And he blinks once.
Then he takes a half-step forward.
“I’m sorry, too,” he says quietly.
Why is he sorry?
I’m the one who believed Kairi.
It’s not his fault.
So I say so. “It isn’t your fault, Riku.”
I said his name.
He says nothing. He just takes a really small step forward.
I want to touch him so bad it hurts.
I furrow my brow and sigh.
I bite my lip and just look at him.
“… I… I take back everything I said that day.”
And I miss you so much.
I missed you and I still miss you because the world isn’t right when you’re not mine.
“I, uh….. I….” He sighs.
“And I’m… I’m just sorry. I guess. That’s why I came… And… If you don’t want me here, I’ll go-“
And then he hugs me. Really tight.
And now I’m like a fricken flood gate.
I’m sobbing into his shoulder and I really hope he doesn’t mind that he’s getting wet.
And then I say something my heart wants me to say.
“I miss you,” I whisper.
He leans down and kisses the top of my head. “I’ve missed you, too.”
And I bury myself in his chest and I feel all the warmth flood back into my body.
I put my arms around him and hold him to me and I’m not even thinking about letting go anytime soon.
And his arms tighten around me, like he doesn’t want to let go anytime soon, either.
I’m not crying anymore.
That’s a good thing.
So I just let myself be in his arms, knowing he missed me and that maybe- just maybe- he’s still mine to hold.