Sequel: Painting Flowers ›
Status: Completed!
What You Do to Me
009.
I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache, which only increased as I remembered the events of the night before. Groaning, I rolled over onto my back and stared at the white ceiling of my hotel room. If only my mind could be like that – plain, clean, empty, simple. Instead it felt like a Jackson Pollock painting looked – splotchy and with too many things going on at once. Zillions of thoughts ricocheted off my skull, bouncing back and forth too quickly for me to really nail one down and work out one of my many problems. And Travis had merely added to this frenzy.
Why did he have to kiss me? Why did he need to make it abundantly clear that he had feelings for me when I wanted nothing more than to be friends? And why the fuck did I, for one infinitesimal second, enjoy it??. There really was no way to explain it, and that infuriated me even more. I just wanted answers, no more questions - not about Alex, not about Travis, not about where the fuck Maggie disappeared off to last night, leaving me with the most awkward situation I have ever been in (although she would be getting an earful when I finally found her). My mind and stomach were twisted into knots, comprised of guilt, confusion, and desperation. I just wanted it to end.
“Oh, you’re finally up,” Eric said, emerging from the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. “You missed breakfast, but I stole a muffin and banana for you.” He motioned to the coffee table where the aforementioned food sat. I had no appetite this morning. “Are you alright?” He asked at my lack of response.
“I don’t know anymore,” I admitted, and continued to stare at the ceiling. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.” I could feel him staring at me, but he stayed silent.
“What are you up to today?” I asked, trying to turn the focus away from me. I didn’t really want any more sympathy, what I wanted was someone to smack me and yell ‘snap the hell out of it’. Eric was not someone who would do that, though.
“A bunch of people are going to play paintball, but that isn’t exactly my thing. I’m thinking I’ll just find a park and read for a bit. Want to join?”
I shrugged. “I think I’m just going to hang out around the hotel. Maybe go down to the pool or something. I need some alone time.”
Eric nodded and didn’t say anything else. I continued to lie there as he gathered his things, before heading out the door. We had a day off; I should have been happy, thrilled really, to go out and hang with my friends and not have anything I had to do. Instead, I didn’t want to do anything, but lay in bed. It sucked.
Gathering all my energy, I got out of bed and pulled on a bathing suit and grabbed a towel. I wasn’t going to spend my day off inside, no matter how conflicted I was feeling about my life. It was a beautifully sunny day; the least I could was take advantage of it. I had finished eating the muffin and thrown the banana into my bag for later, and was in the middle of brushing my teeth when there was a knock on the door. I froze, toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, and peered out of the bathroom around to the room door. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew who it was, and I did not want to deal with him. There was another knock, and, panicked, I jumped back further into the bathroom, trying to be as quiet as possible. I felt pathetic for hiding from him, but there was no way I was starting my day off like this.
After another 30 seconds, when there was no more knocking, I spit into the sink and cautiously padded back out into the bedroom. I sat down on the bed in silence, wanting to wait a few minutes to make sure he was really gone before I left and possibly ran into him on the way to the pool.
Knock knock knock.
I squeaked in surprise at the loud pounding on the door. There really was no denying whoever was outside. They wanted to see me and they wanted to see me now. Swallowing hard, I stood up and went over to the door, as quietly as possible, and peered through the peephole. Exhaling in relief, I opened the door.
“Thank God,” I sighed, as Quinn smiled down at me in greeting.
“Well, good morning to you too, sunshine.”
“Sorry, I thought you were Travis,” I replied with a groan.
“Oh, did you want him?” Quinn asked. “I just passed him. Oi! Travis!”
“No!” I cried, grabbing the front of his shirt and yanking him into my room and slamming the door shut behind him. “I don’t want to talk to him,” I hissed, pushing him down on to the couch in the lounge.
“Why not?” The Irishman asked, giving me a questioning look and readjusting his shirt. “Oh, do you have a crush on him?” A bright smile appeared on Quinn’s face. “I’m going paintballing with the guys later, I could put in a good word for you.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I fought the urge to smack him.
“You will do nothing of the sort. I do not like Travis in that way at all.” I used my most threatening tone and Quinn clearly got the message, as he held up his hands defensively.
“Alright, chill. I won’t say anything. What crawled up your arse and died?”
“Did you have fun at the party?” I asked, ignoring his question.
“Oh, fuck me, it was a delight,” he beamed. “I’m happy I got to sleep it off a bit though.”
“You were downing them pretty quickly,” I agreed.
“And,” he said grabbing my hands and pulling me down onto his lap. “I have to thank you for something.”
His arm wrapped around my waist and I felt myself relax into his warm body. Quinn and I had always been affectionate with one another – something I couldn’t really be with Eric or Holden. Sometimes, you just needed to cuddle, and Quinn fulfilled that duty for me.
“Oh, yeah? For what?”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise as a faint blush crept onto his cheeks. Quinn O’Connell was not one to blush. He bit his lip in embarrassment before sheepishly smiling up at me.
“For introducing me to Sierra.”
It took me a moment to remember that before Travis accosted me in the hallway, I had shoved Sierra and Quinn together – unceremoniously and not with the intention of setting them up, but whatever works, right?
“Really?” I asked, suddenly feeling happier than I had all morning. “You and Sierra?”
“Well, yeah,” he shrugged. “I mean, we danced for a bit till I sobered up and then we got to talking...she’s a great girl.”
“Ok,” I said, sitting back down on the couch so I could get a good look at him. “I’ve never heard you talk about a girl you were interested in where you’ve only said ‘she’s a great girl.’ There is usually something in there about her ass or boobs.”
Quinn shrugged again. “I mean, they were fucking fantastic, don’t get me wrong, but I actually wanted to talk to her rather than just sleep with her. And like, even now, my stomach feels all strange thinking about her. Is that weird?”
“No, sweetie, that’s a crush.”
Quinn grimaced. “I don’t do crushes.”
I sighed, thinking of the irony that was me giving out relationship advice. “Well, just get to know her a bit more and maybe she feels the same way, you never know. Just don’t screw it up by trying to get into her pants too early.”
“Oh, I didn’t say I didn’t sleep with her,” he replied, trademark smirk reappearing once more. “That girl has energy, let me tell you. Must be all that organic shit she eats.”
“Wait, I thought you said...”
“I said I wanted to talk to her too, not just sleep with her. I didn’t say I didn’t sleep with her. Pay attention, Jen!”
I rolled my eyes and laughed at him. Quinn really was too much sometimes. He flashed me a cheeky smile before standing up.
“I’m off to paintball with some of the guys. Feel like coming?”
“No, I’m going hang out by the pool I think. By the way, have you seen Maggie?”
“Seen, no. Heard? Yes. I walked by her and Holden’s room on the way here, and let me just say, be happy they wait till we get to hotels to get it on.”
I frowned deeply at the image that involuntarily filled my head. “Gross.”
Quinn chuckled and kissed me on the forehead. “See you around, Jen.”
“Wait!” I said, just as his hand was on the door. “Is...is Travis going to be with you?”
“Don’t think so. Hunter said he wasn’t feeling well, and when I past him in the hallway he looked a little worse for wear.”
“How so?” I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.
“He looked like he ran into a fist with his face.” Wow, way to hit the nail right on the head there, Quinn.
“Oh. Okay.”
“Alright, well, I got to go, but I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, Quinn.”
“Cheers!”
Once Quinn was gone, I finished gathering my things and as stealthily as possible made my way down to the pool. It wasn’t very crowded, but nonetheless, I hid myself behind a pair of large sunglasses and a Rolling Stone magazine. I didn’t swim, I just wanted to lay in the sun and soak up the rays, hopefully eliminating my almost sickly pale skin.
But the longer I sat there pretending to read and people watch, the more I thought about the previous night, the more I realized what a coward I was being. Exhaling, I rubbed my face with my hands, trying to clear the guilt from my conscience. It wasn’t really working. I should never have hit him, and I definitely shouldn’t have punched him.
I closed my eyes and visualized the night before, trying to justify my actions. Travis had been drunk and although he had pushed me against the door, his kiss wasn’t forceful or rough in anyway. In fact, it was gentle, sweet, and full of emotion. Which, at the time, made it all the worse. For the split second I enjoyed the kiss, it was because it reminded me of how Alex and I were once upon a time. That was the way Alex had kissed me, and it was that same thought (which for a moment had made me inexplicably happy), which brought me crashing back down to earth. The boy kissing me wasn’t Alex. Alex would never kiss me again. Instead, I had an annoying redhead attached to my lips.
All my frustration from the night boiled to the surface, and was almost immediately joined by the anger and hurt that I had been holding within me for the past five months. My hatred for Alex and how he made me feel surfaced with a vengeance. Blinded by rage, embarrassment, and every other unhappy emotion, I had pushed Travis’s body away from angrily. Instead of Travis’s shocked face, I saw Alex’s, the night he left, the night he said that it was all just an infatuation, that he never felt anything real for me. And I punched him, hard. I threw my all my weight behind my fist, but Travis’s height helped him a bit as my angle wasn’t perfect.
I had caught his cheekbone, and in his drunken stupor he stumbled back, hand pressed tightly to his face. I expected him to yell at me, to curse, to storm off angrily, but none of that happened. He just stared at me, wide eyed and bewildered. I stared back for a moment or two, before the realization of what I had done hit me and in a panic I let myself into my room, shutting the door on the stunned singer.
Once safely inside of my room, I made straight for the shower, not even bothering to strip off my clothes before stepping into the steaming water. Standing there, soaking wet and shaking slightly in emotional exhaustion, I realized just how pathetic I had become, how I had let Alex Gaskarth completely consume my life, when I wasn’t even a passing thought in his. I also realized that it needed to end. I had been making a half-assed effort with Maggie, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere. I needed to change, and soon, before I had a complete and total breakdown. Alex wasn’t worth that. He had made that much clear when he drove away from me that February night. He wasn’t worth any of my time.
I shook my head, trying to get any and all thoughts of Alex out of my mind. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was definitely something I could work on. Alex was a personal issue, but I had a more public one I needed to take care of, and sitting next to the pool wasn’t really making any progress with that.
If Travis was still here, I could just go up and apologize to him now. It would be over in ten minutes, tops. If he wasn’t there, I could just send him a text or an email. Not as personal, true, but I made the effort by walking up to the room, right?
As I made my way back into the hotel and back up to the fifth floor, I tried running over what I would say to him in my mind, that’s if he would even talk to me at all, but still had not thought of anything slightly appropriate by the time I reached his door. It didn’t matter though, I knew I had to apologize, as there was no point in trying to avoid him for the rest of Warped Tour.
Sucking it up, I knocked.
He answered after a few seconds, and Quinn was right, his face did look rather rough, the result of a combination of high intensity alcohol consumption, a fist to the face, and a hint of what was most definitely heartbreak. I knew that look all too well. It stared back at me from a mirror for nearly half a year. Wincing at his hurt expression, I held my hand up in a lame wave.
“Hi,” I said softly, not sure if he was going to slam the door in my face. “I...um...well, I...”
“Come in,” he said, opening the door wider for me to enter. Now, I had not planned on this. I had not expected to cross the threshold, where opportunities for escape were few and far between if I completely shoved my foot in my mouth. But my body worked on autopilot, and entered the hotel suite even though my mind was screaming for it to stop. The lounge area was still a mess from the previous night, so Travis led me to what I assumed was his bedroom. It was still fairly messy, but not nearly the disaster area the lounge was, and he motion for me to sit on the end of the bed with him. I sat down, twiddling my hands nervously in my lap.
“Travis, I came over to - ”
“Jency, I’m sorry,” he spit out, looking up at me with sad, blue eyes. “I’m really, really sorry. I can be a complete idiot sometimes and I never should have - ”
“Wait,” I cut him off, completely dumfounded. “You’re apologizing?? Travis, I’m the one who punched you, which was absolutely crazy of me and you have no idea how bad I feel. So, I’m sorry.”
“Yes, but you wouldn’t have punched me if I hadn’t have kissed you.”
“True, but Travis you’re a really nice guy and totally didn’t deserve that. I’ve just been...really stressed lately, I guess.” I glanced up at him and saw he was looking down at me was caring, understanding eyes. Why did he have to be so nice when I was such a complete douche?
There was a moment of silence before Travis spoke again, this time with caution in his voice.
“I forgive you Jen, even though I think I deserved it. Can I...can I ask you something though?”
“Of course,” I replied before thinking, relieved to have gotten his forgiveness so quickly.
“What exactly happened, you know, with you and that guy?”
I looked up him fully now, surprised he would ask and even more surprised that I wanted to tell him. I guess I felt that I owed it to him, as some sort of explanation as why I acted the way I did, why I was such a bitch. Maybe he would understand. He was after all, an outside of sorts. Everyone else who knew the saga of Alex and me was there, saw it unfold. Travis, however, could maybe come in with a fresh perspective, with new advice.
It didn’t take me long to convince myself, and it seemed that all I had really needed all this time was to talk about it, out loud, rather than just in my head. As soon as the words formed in my mouth, I couldn’t prevent myself from say them. I told him everything, from the broken window to my birthday, from Disney World to the night Alex left. I even told him every thing about my dad, my mom, and my high school boyfriend. I left nothing out, except for Alex’s name. I never forgot for a second that Travis and Alex were pretty good friends, and I wasn’t going to make it awkward by making it some weird triangle thing.
It felt therapeutic, getting it all out of my head and off my chest and out into the open. The words seemed to hang there in the air between Travis and me, as he soaked them in, listening intently. Not once did I have a feeling he was fighting back his ADD and losing concentration. He was all ears, and I appreciated that.
By the time I had finished, my hand was encased in his, being squeezed reassuringly. Travis’s blue eyes bored into me, but I was laying everything out in the open, so they would find nothing hidden.
“So. Yeah. Fun story, right?” I asked sarcastically, pulling my hand away. I appreciated the gesture, but I didn’t want him to get any inclinations that I had romantic feelings for him. We were just friends.
“Jency,” he started, following me as I stood up off the bed. “I’m sorry. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you know I’ll be here.”
“Thanks, Travis,” I replied sincerely. “I really needed this, so really, thank you.” He began to smile, but I saw him wince immediately. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” I groaned, reaching up and rubbing a finger gently along his bruised cheekbone. “Do you want me to get you some ice?”
“No, it’s okay,” he waved me off. “Believe me, I’ve had worse bruises than this in my life time.” He paused for a minute, looking at me with that now familiar sparkle in his eyes. “I do have an idea to how you can make it up to me, though.”
“How?” I asked, with a suspicious smile.
“Get lunch with me?”
I paused for a moment. “Just as friends?”
“Just as friends,” he confirmed. As I looked up at him, I felt better than I had in the longest time. Maybe it was because I just gotten it all off of my chest, or maybe because someone wanted to honestly hang out with me, and wasn’t just asking out of sympathy or duty, which is how I knew my bandmates all felt.
“Sure,” I agreed, causing his smile to grow. This time, the pain didn’t stop it, and his grin reached his eyes. I smiled back. This could be my new start. I was no longer going to be a pathetic loser pining away for a boy who didn’t give a damn. I was taking control of my life, and I was going to enjoy myself.
Why did he have to kiss me? Why did he need to make it abundantly clear that he had feelings for me when I wanted nothing more than to be friends? And why the fuck did I, for one infinitesimal second, enjoy it??. There really was no way to explain it, and that infuriated me even more. I just wanted answers, no more questions - not about Alex, not about Travis, not about where the fuck Maggie disappeared off to last night, leaving me with the most awkward situation I have ever been in (although she would be getting an earful when I finally found her). My mind and stomach were twisted into knots, comprised of guilt, confusion, and desperation. I just wanted it to end.
“Oh, you’re finally up,” Eric said, emerging from the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. “You missed breakfast, but I stole a muffin and banana for you.” He motioned to the coffee table where the aforementioned food sat. I had no appetite this morning. “Are you alright?” He asked at my lack of response.
“I don’t know anymore,” I admitted, and continued to stare at the ceiling. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.” I could feel him staring at me, but he stayed silent.
“What are you up to today?” I asked, trying to turn the focus away from me. I didn’t really want any more sympathy, what I wanted was someone to smack me and yell ‘snap the hell out of it’. Eric was not someone who would do that, though.
“A bunch of people are going to play paintball, but that isn’t exactly my thing. I’m thinking I’ll just find a park and read for a bit. Want to join?”
I shrugged. “I think I’m just going to hang out around the hotel. Maybe go down to the pool or something. I need some alone time.”
Eric nodded and didn’t say anything else. I continued to lie there as he gathered his things, before heading out the door. We had a day off; I should have been happy, thrilled really, to go out and hang with my friends and not have anything I had to do. Instead, I didn’t want to do anything, but lay in bed. It sucked.
Gathering all my energy, I got out of bed and pulled on a bathing suit and grabbed a towel. I wasn’t going to spend my day off inside, no matter how conflicted I was feeling about my life. It was a beautifully sunny day; the least I could was take advantage of it. I had finished eating the muffin and thrown the banana into my bag for later, and was in the middle of brushing my teeth when there was a knock on the door. I froze, toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, and peered out of the bathroom around to the room door. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew who it was, and I did not want to deal with him. There was another knock, and, panicked, I jumped back further into the bathroom, trying to be as quiet as possible. I felt pathetic for hiding from him, but there was no way I was starting my day off like this.
After another 30 seconds, when there was no more knocking, I spit into the sink and cautiously padded back out into the bedroom. I sat down on the bed in silence, wanting to wait a few minutes to make sure he was really gone before I left and possibly ran into him on the way to the pool.
Knock knock knock.
I squeaked in surprise at the loud pounding on the door. There really was no denying whoever was outside. They wanted to see me and they wanted to see me now. Swallowing hard, I stood up and went over to the door, as quietly as possible, and peered through the peephole. Exhaling in relief, I opened the door.
“Thank God,” I sighed, as Quinn smiled down at me in greeting.
“Well, good morning to you too, sunshine.”
“Sorry, I thought you were Travis,” I replied with a groan.
“Oh, did you want him?” Quinn asked. “I just passed him. Oi! Travis!”
“No!” I cried, grabbing the front of his shirt and yanking him into my room and slamming the door shut behind him. “I don’t want to talk to him,” I hissed, pushing him down on to the couch in the lounge.
“Why not?” The Irishman asked, giving me a questioning look and readjusting his shirt. “Oh, do you have a crush on him?” A bright smile appeared on Quinn’s face. “I’m going paintballing with the guys later, I could put in a good word for you.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I fought the urge to smack him.
“You will do nothing of the sort. I do not like Travis in that way at all.” I used my most threatening tone and Quinn clearly got the message, as he held up his hands defensively.
“Alright, chill. I won’t say anything. What crawled up your arse and died?”
“Did you have fun at the party?” I asked, ignoring his question.
“Oh, fuck me, it was a delight,” he beamed. “I’m happy I got to sleep it off a bit though.”
“You were downing them pretty quickly,” I agreed.
“And,” he said grabbing my hands and pulling me down onto his lap. “I have to thank you for something.”
His arm wrapped around my waist and I felt myself relax into his warm body. Quinn and I had always been affectionate with one another – something I couldn’t really be with Eric or Holden. Sometimes, you just needed to cuddle, and Quinn fulfilled that duty for me.
“Oh, yeah? For what?”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise as a faint blush crept onto his cheeks. Quinn O’Connell was not one to blush. He bit his lip in embarrassment before sheepishly smiling up at me.
“For introducing me to Sierra.”
It took me a moment to remember that before Travis accosted me in the hallway, I had shoved Sierra and Quinn together – unceremoniously and not with the intention of setting them up, but whatever works, right?
“Really?” I asked, suddenly feeling happier than I had all morning. “You and Sierra?”
“Well, yeah,” he shrugged. “I mean, we danced for a bit till I sobered up and then we got to talking...she’s a great girl.”
“Ok,” I said, sitting back down on the couch so I could get a good look at him. “I’ve never heard you talk about a girl you were interested in where you’ve only said ‘she’s a great girl.’ There is usually something in there about her ass or boobs.”
Quinn shrugged again. “I mean, they were fucking fantastic, don’t get me wrong, but I actually wanted to talk to her rather than just sleep with her. And like, even now, my stomach feels all strange thinking about her. Is that weird?”
“No, sweetie, that’s a crush.”
Quinn grimaced. “I don’t do crushes.”
I sighed, thinking of the irony that was me giving out relationship advice. “Well, just get to know her a bit more and maybe she feels the same way, you never know. Just don’t screw it up by trying to get into her pants too early.”
“Oh, I didn’t say I didn’t sleep with her,” he replied, trademark smirk reappearing once more. “That girl has energy, let me tell you. Must be all that organic shit she eats.”
“Wait, I thought you said...”
“I said I wanted to talk to her too, not just sleep with her. I didn’t say I didn’t sleep with her. Pay attention, Jen!”
I rolled my eyes and laughed at him. Quinn really was too much sometimes. He flashed me a cheeky smile before standing up.
“I’m off to paintball with some of the guys. Feel like coming?”
“No, I’m going hang out by the pool I think. By the way, have you seen Maggie?”
“Seen, no. Heard? Yes. I walked by her and Holden’s room on the way here, and let me just say, be happy they wait till we get to hotels to get it on.”
I frowned deeply at the image that involuntarily filled my head. “Gross.”
Quinn chuckled and kissed me on the forehead. “See you around, Jen.”
“Wait!” I said, just as his hand was on the door. “Is...is Travis going to be with you?”
“Don’t think so. Hunter said he wasn’t feeling well, and when I past him in the hallway he looked a little worse for wear.”
“How so?” I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.
“He looked like he ran into a fist with his face.” Wow, way to hit the nail right on the head there, Quinn.
“Oh. Okay.”
“Alright, well, I got to go, but I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, Quinn.”
“Cheers!”
Once Quinn was gone, I finished gathering my things and as stealthily as possible made my way down to the pool. It wasn’t very crowded, but nonetheless, I hid myself behind a pair of large sunglasses and a Rolling Stone magazine. I didn’t swim, I just wanted to lay in the sun and soak up the rays, hopefully eliminating my almost sickly pale skin.
But the longer I sat there pretending to read and people watch, the more I thought about the previous night, the more I realized what a coward I was being. Exhaling, I rubbed my face with my hands, trying to clear the guilt from my conscience. It wasn’t really working. I should never have hit him, and I definitely shouldn’t have punched him.
I closed my eyes and visualized the night before, trying to justify my actions. Travis had been drunk and although he had pushed me against the door, his kiss wasn’t forceful or rough in anyway. In fact, it was gentle, sweet, and full of emotion. Which, at the time, made it all the worse. For the split second I enjoyed the kiss, it was because it reminded me of how Alex and I were once upon a time. That was the way Alex had kissed me, and it was that same thought (which for a moment had made me inexplicably happy), which brought me crashing back down to earth. The boy kissing me wasn’t Alex. Alex would never kiss me again. Instead, I had an annoying redhead attached to my lips.
All my frustration from the night boiled to the surface, and was almost immediately joined by the anger and hurt that I had been holding within me for the past five months. My hatred for Alex and how he made me feel surfaced with a vengeance. Blinded by rage, embarrassment, and every other unhappy emotion, I had pushed Travis’s body away from angrily. Instead of Travis’s shocked face, I saw Alex’s, the night he left, the night he said that it was all just an infatuation, that he never felt anything real for me. And I punched him, hard. I threw my all my weight behind my fist, but Travis’s height helped him a bit as my angle wasn’t perfect.
I had caught his cheekbone, and in his drunken stupor he stumbled back, hand pressed tightly to his face. I expected him to yell at me, to curse, to storm off angrily, but none of that happened. He just stared at me, wide eyed and bewildered. I stared back for a moment or two, before the realization of what I had done hit me and in a panic I let myself into my room, shutting the door on the stunned singer.
Once safely inside of my room, I made straight for the shower, not even bothering to strip off my clothes before stepping into the steaming water. Standing there, soaking wet and shaking slightly in emotional exhaustion, I realized just how pathetic I had become, how I had let Alex Gaskarth completely consume my life, when I wasn’t even a passing thought in his. I also realized that it needed to end. I had been making a half-assed effort with Maggie, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere. I needed to change, and soon, before I had a complete and total breakdown. Alex wasn’t worth that. He had made that much clear when he drove away from me that February night. He wasn’t worth any of my time.
I shook my head, trying to get any and all thoughts of Alex out of my mind. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was definitely something I could work on. Alex was a personal issue, but I had a more public one I needed to take care of, and sitting next to the pool wasn’t really making any progress with that.
If Travis was still here, I could just go up and apologize to him now. It would be over in ten minutes, tops. If he wasn’t there, I could just send him a text or an email. Not as personal, true, but I made the effort by walking up to the room, right?
As I made my way back into the hotel and back up to the fifth floor, I tried running over what I would say to him in my mind, that’s if he would even talk to me at all, but still had not thought of anything slightly appropriate by the time I reached his door. It didn’t matter though, I knew I had to apologize, as there was no point in trying to avoid him for the rest of Warped Tour.
Sucking it up, I knocked.
He answered after a few seconds, and Quinn was right, his face did look rather rough, the result of a combination of high intensity alcohol consumption, a fist to the face, and a hint of what was most definitely heartbreak. I knew that look all too well. It stared back at me from a mirror for nearly half a year. Wincing at his hurt expression, I held my hand up in a lame wave.
“Hi,” I said softly, not sure if he was going to slam the door in my face. “I...um...well, I...”
“Come in,” he said, opening the door wider for me to enter. Now, I had not planned on this. I had not expected to cross the threshold, where opportunities for escape were few and far between if I completely shoved my foot in my mouth. But my body worked on autopilot, and entered the hotel suite even though my mind was screaming for it to stop. The lounge area was still a mess from the previous night, so Travis led me to what I assumed was his bedroom. It was still fairly messy, but not nearly the disaster area the lounge was, and he motion for me to sit on the end of the bed with him. I sat down, twiddling my hands nervously in my lap.
“Travis, I came over to - ”
“Jency, I’m sorry,” he spit out, looking up at me with sad, blue eyes. “I’m really, really sorry. I can be a complete idiot sometimes and I never should have - ”
“Wait,” I cut him off, completely dumfounded. “You’re apologizing?? Travis, I’m the one who punched you, which was absolutely crazy of me and you have no idea how bad I feel. So, I’m sorry.”
“Yes, but you wouldn’t have punched me if I hadn’t have kissed you.”
“True, but Travis you’re a really nice guy and totally didn’t deserve that. I’ve just been...really stressed lately, I guess.” I glanced up at him and saw he was looking down at me was caring, understanding eyes. Why did he have to be so nice when I was such a complete douche?
There was a moment of silence before Travis spoke again, this time with caution in his voice.
“I forgive you Jen, even though I think I deserved it. Can I...can I ask you something though?”
“Of course,” I replied before thinking, relieved to have gotten his forgiveness so quickly.
“What exactly happened, you know, with you and that guy?”
I looked up him fully now, surprised he would ask and even more surprised that I wanted to tell him. I guess I felt that I owed it to him, as some sort of explanation as why I acted the way I did, why I was such a bitch. Maybe he would understand. He was after all, an outside of sorts. Everyone else who knew the saga of Alex and me was there, saw it unfold. Travis, however, could maybe come in with a fresh perspective, with new advice.
It didn’t take me long to convince myself, and it seemed that all I had really needed all this time was to talk about it, out loud, rather than just in my head. As soon as the words formed in my mouth, I couldn’t prevent myself from say them. I told him everything, from the broken window to my birthday, from Disney World to the night Alex left. I even told him every thing about my dad, my mom, and my high school boyfriend. I left nothing out, except for Alex’s name. I never forgot for a second that Travis and Alex were pretty good friends, and I wasn’t going to make it awkward by making it some weird triangle thing.
It felt therapeutic, getting it all out of my head and off my chest and out into the open. The words seemed to hang there in the air between Travis and me, as he soaked them in, listening intently. Not once did I have a feeling he was fighting back his ADD and losing concentration. He was all ears, and I appreciated that.
By the time I had finished, my hand was encased in his, being squeezed reassuringly. Travis’s blue eyes bored into me, but I was laying everything out in the open, so they would find nothing hidden.
“So. Yeah. Fun story, right?” I asked sarcastically, pulling my hand away. I appreciated the gesture, but I didn’t want him to get any inclinations that I had romantic feelings for him. We were just friends.
“Jency,” he started, following me as I stood up off the bed. “I’m sorry. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you know I’ll be here.”
“Thanks, Travis,” I replied sincerely. “I really needed this, so really, thank you.” He began to smile, but I saw him wince immediately. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry,” I groaned, reaching up and rubbing a finger gently along his bruised cheekbone. “Do you want me to get you some ice?”
“No, it’s okay,” he waved me off. “Believe me, I’ve had worse bruises than this in my life time.” He paused for a minute, looking at me with that now familiar sparkle in his eyes. “I do have an idea to how you can make it up to me, though.”
“How?” I asked, with a suspicious smile.
“Get lunch with me?”
I paused for a moment. “Just as friends?”
“Just as friends,” he confirmed. As I looked up at him, I felt better than I had in the longest time. Maybe it was because I just gotten it all off of my chest, or maybe because someone wanted to honestly hang out with me, and wasn’t just asking out of sympathy or duty, which is how I knew my bandmates all felt.
“Sure,” I agreed, causing his smile to grow. This time, the pain didn’t stop it, and his grin reached his eyes. I smiled back. This could be my new start. I was no longer going to be a pathetic loser pining away for a boy who didn’t give a damn. I was taking control of my life, and I was going to enjoy myself.
♠ ♠ ♠
Yay? Nay? What do you all think? I know that there are a ton of you out there, so I want to see more comments please!!Jency is (finally) getting out of her funk and we'll begin to see a bit of the old her that's been hiding for a while. Anything you guys want to see, need explained, etc? Lemme know!
Love youu alllllllll!
xx