Bastards of Young

“You seriously put Hall and Oates on a tape for me,” Billie was slicing onions for the meatloaf we were making as the guitar to “You Make My Dreams Come True” started to ring out from the boom box speakers. “Mike and Tre will throw this out the window.”

“If they throw it out the window I’ll deck ‘em into the next Tuesday after you guys get back,” Billie chuckled as I slid my freshly chopped peppers into the bowl. “Besides, how could I not after you woke me up singing it the other morning?”

“That was a private moment for us,” he looked at me the way my mom used to when I’d talk in church. “Never to be discussed.”

“Tracy thought it was adorable.”

“Fuck, you told Tracy?”

“She especially liked that dance you had for it.” I then did a bit of said dance while mouthing along with Hall. It involved a lot of pelvic thrusting and pointing – totally rock star.

Billie was grinning and even blushing a little, despite himself. “You are so getting angry sex tonight.” I stuck my tongue out flirtatiously as a response.

After putting the onions in the bowl, he jumped up on the counter and watched me mix everything together in silence. “You Make My Dreams Come True” eventually came to an end and suddenly “Something To Du” started to wail throughout the kitchen. “Fuck yes,” Billie exclaimed as Paul sang about boys being boys.

“I think it we’re ready to put it in,” I said spreading everything out in a cooking pan. Billie opened the oven door and I slid the pan in carefully, taking note of the time on the clock above us. “Cool,” I said shutting the oven up, “We’ve got forty-five minutes to kill.”

“Grab the boom box,” Billie was in the process of extracting two beers from the refrigerator as he spoke. Kicking it closed he lead me into the living room where he allowed himself to drop down on the couch.

“Good idea,” I put the boom box on the coffee table in front of us and took the Bud he was offering me. “Something to Du” gave way to “Andorra” by a band Billie had put on that tape for me before we got together.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said simply. He pushed his foot against mine and I leaned my head on his shoulder, taking his hand.

“I’m going to miss you too.”

He took a sip of his drink. “What’s your parent’s address?”

“5647 Abberton Way. Why?”

“I figured since we’re going through there I could stop by and meet them....”

I nuzzled into his shoulder grinning, “They’d love that. Just don’t mind Jimmy – he’s an ass to all of my boyfriends.”

Billie laughed a bit, “Noted.”

I put my Bud between my knees and reached up under his shirt to rub his stomach. “And don’t let Mom and Sam corner you about marriage and all of that crap. They tend to do that… I’m sorry in advance.”

“I dunno, sounds like a pleasant subject to me,” he said gently squeezing my hand.

I cringed a little on the inside, but tried to play it off as if everything was cool as I grunted an acknowledgment. A little bit since the back room conversations and way more than a little bit since he told me he loved me, Billie had been dropping references and hints at marriage and family and all that other terrifying stuff, but it was always during nice moments when I felt like total bitch for saying anything. It could never be when I was annoyed that he left dirty dishes out or when he wouldn’t go apartment hunting after promising me he would.

Truthfully as terrified as I still was about them leaving, a small part of me was glad the 24th was only six days away so I could get some time to breathe. Tracy’s voice suddenly popped in my head as I recalled what she said about being on the same page. As I bit my lip and then opened my mouth I really hoped this was the right decision. “Billie?”

“Yeah?”

I paused for a second trying to think about the right way to say it, “You know I like you way more than any boyfriend I’ve ever had, right?”

“I’ve surpassed Glen from 10th grade bio now,” he sounded amused as he asked and took a sip from his drink.

“You run circles around him,” his chest seemed to puff a little, which made me almost not say what I needed to. “But, um… fuck I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” I felt him sit up more, so I got off his shoulder and rested a hand on his knee. He looked way more serious than I had ever seen him before and once again it felt as if tiny hands were gripping my throat, preventing me from speaking. “Its just I really can’t handle the marriage and family talk right now… and I’m not trying to be a bitch or start something… its just… fuck, Billie we’ve only been at this for a month. Can we slow down just a bit?”

The look on his face wasn’t readable, but I got the gist that what I said hadn’t gone over well when he said, “You’re the one who wanted to speed up,” accusingly.

“I didn’t mean to go from 0 to 60 in like 3 seconds, though,” I was trying to keep my voice even and maybe even a little pathetic. A first full blown fight a few days before he left was the last thing on my list of wants.

“My mom and dad were crazy about each other after a month,” his voice was getting louder.

“I know.”

“You’re parents were married after two!”

“We’re not our parents, Billie,” maintaining eye contact was getting harder as the look in his eye got harsher. “We’ve got to find our own way through shit.”

“Well, at least admit I’m not fucking crazy for feeling this way.”

I scrunched up my face, “I never said you were!”

“Well, that’s how I fucking feel! I feel like I’m a psycho freak because I feel so fucking intense and you seem like nothing’s different,” he had stood and was pacing the room in agitation. He stopped and turned to me, “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

He had tears welling up in his eyes and it felt like my heart had exploded. Standing I crossed over to where he was as Generation X gave way to Van Halen. I ignored the look in his eye as I wrapped my arms around his neck and began to kiss every inch of him I could in hopes that this would take away the pain he was feeling. “Nothing,” I breathed between kisses, “You’re perfect.” The whole time he wouldn’t let me get near his mouth and his arms hung limply by his side. After a while I gave up and rested my head in the crook of his neck. “It me that’s broken,” I mumbled sadly.

“I need to get out of here,” he said hoarsely, stepping back.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as he pushed past me and walked to the door, grabbing his jacket along the way. “What?”

“I just need some air,” he flung open the front door.

“Are you--?” I was cut off by the slam of the door being shut. I stood numbly in the middle of the living room, looking at the door, long after the tape had clicked to a stop. The only thing that got me going again was the smell of burning meat loaf. Opening the oven door I surveyed that the damage wasn’t too bad, just some crispy edges. I heated up some corn and green beans to go along with the meatloaf before loading up a plate and putting it in the refrigerator for Billie to have later – I couldn’t bring myself to eat.

Leaving everything out, I went to my room and laid on my bed staring at the ceiling. It felt like reality had walked out the door with Billie and I was just in a place between or something. I couldn’t feel anything. After what felt like hours I heard the door open and close. Scrambling out of bed I went running into the living room only to be met with Tracy’s surprised gaze.

“You look terrible…,” she said letting her bag slip from her shoulder. Looking around she raised an eyebrow and asked where Billie was.

“He left,” came a voice that sounded vaguely like my own. Before I knew what was happening Niagara Falls was pouring from my eyes.

“Shit,” Tracy suddenly had her arms around me. “Did you brake up? What the fuck happened?”

“He’s upset that I haven’t said ‘I love you,’ back. He thinks I think he’s crazy,” I sobbed into her shoulder as she rubbed my back. Suddenly, I couldn’t stand it anymore. Pulling back I grabbed my own jacket and walked out the door saying I’d be back soon. It had to be close to one in the morning, but I didn’t care. This had to be settled.

The bus was taking forever so I decided to just walk the four miles to the squat. The night air felt good on my burning face and I was relieved to see a small lamp light still on at the squat as I approached it an hour and a half later. Taking a deep breath I knocked loudly. After a minute the door opened.

“Woah, Jean,” Jeff said dazedly. “Fucking A, woman, come in!” He stepped aside and I walked with a small hey as I looked around the room expectantly. Mr. Dixie was curled up on the couch and Tre sat next to her obviously stoned.

“Heeeeey, Georgia Peach,” he greeted with a dazed smile. “Billie’s in the basement.”

“Thanks,” I said making a beeline for the basement. It was colder downstairs than it was outside and I could barely see a thing as I made my way across the room to Billie’s door. Halfway there I tripped on something squishy and fell hard on the thinly carpeted floor. There was a loud, painful grunt from behind me. “I’m so sorry,” I said looking behind me at the dark lump.

“Jean?” I recognized the voice instantly and my heart leaped into my throat.

“Hey, Billie.”

“What the fuck are you doing here,” he sounded more surprised than anything.

“Trying to save our relationship… what are you doing out here?”

“Some fucker changed the lock on my door.”

“Oh.”

We were silent in the dark for a long time as I tried to carefully plot out what I should say next and quickly realized I had no idea what to do.

“So,” Billie said with an annoyed tone, “relationship saving words would be good about now.”

“I want to be with you,” I said deciding to just be honest. “I don’t want to say ‘If we’re together next year,’ anymore. I just want to make next year happen… if that makes sense. I…I just want to be that old couple sitting on a park bench that other dumb kids like us admire as they pass by, you know? But, the thing is… all that takes time to build and I don’t want to cut corners just because we’re both feeling so whacked out on each other right now.” I wait for a response, but Billie kept quiet. Not knowing what to do I continued my train of thought. “I mean, I might love you now and am just too dumb to realize, but what I do know is that when it feels right to say those words then the wait will have been worth it. And I know I need to be more patient with you and not get so scared over shit – I’ll work on that. But, I’d like it if you tried to stay patient with me too.”

“I’m just starting to think we’re looking for two different things…,” I could just barely make out him scratching the back of his head. "I mean I know it freaks you out, but if you meant what you just said then would it really be all that bad if we talked about our future at least a little?”

I thought for a second, “No, it wouldn’t. I guess that’s an area I need to work on and I will. For you. But, could you also just try to take it easy a bit more too? We’re only in our early 20s… we’ve got time.”

He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, gently after a while, “Deal. And I’m sorry about storming out… I guess you’re learning a lot about my temper lately, huh?”

“Yeah, but we’ll work on that,” I kissed him with a little more passion, biting his lower lip as I pulled away causing him to make a weird noise in the back of his throat that I always found hilarious.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said huskily as he placed a hand under my arm and guided me off the floor and up the stairs. We said quick goodbyes to Tre, Jeff and Mr. Dixie before exiting the house. Outside Billie took my hand and started in the opposite direction of the apartment.

“Where are we going,” I looked back in the waiting for him to realize his mistake.

“Some place special,” he tugged my hand so that I was more in line with him. After several minutes of walking we ended up in a park with a half finished gazebo that had no roof near the out skirts of town. “Mike took me here to do acid the other day and the whole time all I could think about was how cool it’d be to have sex here.” The moonlight was bright enough so that I could see the wide grin on his face as he took off his jacket and spread it out on the gazebo floor.

“We’re going to get killed by a hobo or something,” I said looking around the dark park nervously.

“Nah, this is the richer part of town. Hobos would kill the aesthetic,” he was sitting on the jacket, arms spread in an invite for me to come to him. Sighing, I put a foot on either side of him and got on my knees so that we were facing each other. As he started to plant small kisses on my neck and jaw line I started thinking about how he had looked at the apartment and how those tears had been my fault. Leaning my face so that instead of my neck, his lips met my own I attempted to put everything I had into the kiss until he pulled back panting heavily. “Hold on, I’m going to lose it before we even get started.”

Laughing and feeling no mercy I pulled him back and began to nip playfully at his lip as the noise in the back of his throat made its second appearance for the night. Slowly removing his shirt I made my way down to his collarbone and applied pressure in a circular motion with my thumbs on his hips. “Fuck, Jean,” he said with frustration dripping from his voice.

A few minutes later I put my hand on his stomach before anything could get started. He looked down at me expectantly. “Don’t take your eyes off mine,” I said removing my hand from his stomach and placing it on the side of his face.

“Okay,” he whispered. It was scary feeling that connected to some one as he kept his promise and never once even blinked, but it was good scary… an addictive scary and as things got more intense it was amazing to watch the life radiate in his eyes. “Holy fuck,” he gasped as he eased him down on top of me at the end. I could feel our hearts pounding against each other as he gave me a simple kiss on the neck before cradling into me more.

“I know,” was all I could think to say as I rubbed the back of his damp head. Rolling off of me he rubbed his face.

“That was crazy.”

Shaking, I brought my own jacket across us in a vain attempt at warmth. Taking the hint, Billie hugged me as close as possible to his body. “You okay,” he asked worriedly.

“Yeah, just cold,” I said through chattering teeth.

“Let’s go back to your place and get warmed up again,” we both got up and started to dress.

“I don’t know that I can go again, babe,” I said half joking.

“Ha, ha, you know what I meant,” he said as he finished zipping his pants and held out his hand. I finished tying my shoe and rose to taking his hand.

“I made you a plate of meatloaf if you’re hungry,” I felt sheepish saying it.

“You did,” he sounded surprised as we started walking.

“Mmhm, it’s in the refrigerator at home. I’ll heat it up when we get back.”

“I harbor great romantic feelings for you,” he smirked as I realized what he was trying to do.

“I appreciate those feelings more than you know,” I then decided to try my own hand at meeting him in the middle. “I like Jack for a boy’s name.”

“That’s a pretty name,” he said giving my hand a squeeze.

“How bad do you think we’ll screw up our kids,” I said jokingly.

Billie laughed as he kicked at a rock, “Oh, they’re fucked.”