Bastards of Young

In the house they were blasting “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” as Billie and I laid out on the concrete side walk, sharing a cigarette and looking at the few stars visible. Green Day wasn’t supposed to play for another hour. Adjusting myself to that I could nuzzle my head into his shoulder I commented on how his birthday was coming up. “You shall finally be a man!”

He laughed, “I’ve technically been a man for a while now.”

“Nope, you’re still a boy in my eyes.”

“Well, I can change that image right now,” he had that evil look in his eye that led to evil things… like kissing and sex and you know, fun.

“Mmm, side walk sex. Hot.”

“Or you know, I kind of have to go and there were some nice bathrooms in the house. I know that’s more your thing.”

I gave him a playful shove and half rolled over in laughter slash embarrassment. “Shut up!”

“What,” he rolled onto his side and propped his head on his hand. “I just wanna please you, babay.” Leaning in he kissed the side of my neck and while I did enjoy it, half of me wanted to hit him for real. All week we had been hanging out and acting like a couple only to have Billie run back to the safety of “taking if slow” anytime things started to get serious.

As he continued to give my neck some well deserved attention and his hand started to massage my thigh I decided enough was enough. “Billie?”

“Mmm?”

“Stop.”

He yanked back with lightening speed. “What? What did I do?”

“I can’t do this,” I said sitting up.

“I’m sorry; what did I do,” he sat up as well and reached out to rub my arm worriedly.

“This,” I exclaimed throwing my hands in the air. “This acting like a couple, but we’re not. We’re just friends with benefits and honestly, I feel like that fucking cheapens everything. You started this! You came to me saying you were a dumb ass for not being with me! What the fuck is going on?”

Billie suddenly really did look like a little boy in my eyes. “I…I just don’t want to rush things.”

“Then stop with the hand holding and the kissing and the love song mix tapes disguised as you trying to get me into obscure bands – don’t think I didn’t notice!”

“That was really just the tape I promised you! Christ!” We silently seethed at each other. Finally, Billie broke the silence. “I don’t want to fuck and get all serious too fast and end up like my last relationship. I really liked her and shit just hit the fucking fan and now… we can’t stand each other. I want you in my life one way or another – I’m just trying to be careful.”

I put my hand on the side of his face and stroked his cheek with my thumb gently. “Billie, it would be a lot easier on me if I stayed single,” his face fell. “But, I want to give this a shot. At the same time I’m not going to wait around forever for you. We have to have some faith in each other.”

He stared at me without a word; I could see his gears turning, though. I laid back down on the concrete with a sigh. He was still silent as I took a drag from the cigarette a minute later. As I exhaled he finally moved to lie back down next to me. I passed him the cigarette and started to think this was his answer. My insides felt like a trash compactor was squeezing them together the longer the silence was held.

Just as I was about to go inside, he spoke. “Well.”

“Hm?”

“Let’s do it.”

I turned my head to face him. “Really?”

“Yep. You’re right. Let’s make this whole thing legitimate.”

I grinned and looked back up at the sky. “Okay, sounds good to me.”

Billie stirred next to me and I felt his lips being pressed against my temple. I grabbed his hand and marveled at how it all felt so different now. “So, what now,” I said after a while of silence. Billie didn’t skip beat.

“Blow job in Mike’s car?”

“Okay.”

“Are you serious?”

“Sure, that’s what girlfriends do for their boyfriends.” I was going to give him a kiss, but he already had me on my feet, being dragged to the car.

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The energy in the room as Billie and the guys ripped through their songs. The stage was just a corner of the living room, but they commanded it like they were in the middle of a stadium. People were crammed together like sardines from wall to wall and a couple dozen had been turned away since it was a private party. It was surreal to see so many people coming to hear my friends and talk about them before the show the same way I talked about Superchunk. Fierce pride goes hand in hand with having a great band come from your home town and Green Day was a great band. As they bashed through “Welcome To Paradise” I couldn’t help, but kind of regret not giving that weirdo from my sister’s college a bit more of a chance. Good music’s a fine exchange for sex right?

Behind me Jeff was in his own zone as he flailed about and Tracy to my right kept poking me every time Billie looked our way. A few of the guys’ other friends were on the other side of me, shoving each other and laughing. Rob, a gangly Black guy that Mike worked with, put his arm around me with a drunken stagger.

“I like you,” he shouted above the music, “but if you hurt Mike… I’ll kill you. No offense, but he is a good guy!”

“That’s sweet,” I laughed nervously, “but I’m with Billie!”

“Oh, well fuck… sorry,” with that he went back to his unsteady pogoing.

When they played their last song I fought the urge to go running to Billie, gushing like some dumb bands' girlfriends I always made fun of at home. Instead, I stood patiently waiting for the crowd to disperse so I could get through. When I got to the boys they were taking apart Tre’s kit. They tensed as I approached. “You hated it, didn’t you,” Billie said sadly.

“No! Why would you think that?”

“Because if you liked it you’d be freaking out right now – I know your music habits.”

“I just don’t want to look like a bimbo girlfriend, trying to show off or something.”

“But I want you to be a bimbo girlfriend right now!”

Taking the cue I flipped out and threw my arms around Billie’s neck. “Oh my GOD! You guys were amazing! It was so surreal to see you up there with all of these kids admiring you! The whole time I just kept think about that “Alex Chilton” line. You know, ‘What’s that song, I’m in love with that song.’ I just loved it. I love you guys!”

“Fuck yeah, we’re awesome,” Tre shouted it as a ‘Well, duh,’ statement.

“I’m glad we could entertain,” chimed Mike.

Billie just grinned contentedly and continued to pack up his gear.

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An hour later we both stood at the steps of my apartment, making out before Billie left. Pulling back I muttered, “You’re staying tonight,” near his ear as I kissed his neck.

“I am?” Despite his teasing tone, there was a slight quiver in his voice.

“Yep," I pushed my forehead to his as I looked him in the eyes. "I need your snores.”

Billie chuckled and kissed me lightly. “Okay. I miss yours too.”

“Oh, shut up,” I said giving him a shove before turning and running up the stairs, laughing.

“Accept the truth,” Billie exclaimed with laughter saturating his voice too and the THUDTHUDTHUD of his footsteps pounding behind me.