Inside of You

I pushed everything aside just for him. I gave up practically my whole life just to get to know him and maybe a little bit more than that. We were friends. Best friends, to be exact. But there was one big problem in this picture: He had my heart and didn’t even know it.

He dropped it in the ocean and walked away. He didn’t even watch it flow out there to see if anything happened to it. I hated myself for absent-mindedly handing it to him but what else can I do? I didn’t even know my heart was with him.

So because of all this, I ran away. I packed my belongings and walked to a different state hoping to start a new life. But they were getting bigger and it was hard not to hear about him and his band from other people.

It’s been about one year since I left. I didn’t bother to answer his calls or any calls for that matter. I got a new number and threw away the old one. I didn’t want to look back and maybe realize that I made a mistake. I’ve gone too far to look back now.

But I’m not going to lie. Every single day of my life, I spend a little extra time just to think about what they were doing, where they were and if they were doing just fine without me. Maybe they didn’t even remember me anymore. Who knows?

So I got up this morning to the sound of the pilot saying things I couldn’t comprehend through the plane’s intercom. All I knew was that the plane now landed and everyone was getting up of their seats and heading out the door. I was in Arizona.

I was here not because of them but because my mother begged me to come home. I didn’t really understand why she wanted me to come home seeing that I’m now 20 years old and there was no special occasion but I couldn’t turn her down after everything that I’ve gone through with her and the rest of my family. It would just be plain wrong. So here I was trying to make up for lost times hoping that she could forgive me and hoping that I wouldn’t run into John O’Callaghan or the rest of The Maine.

I got out of my seat after unbuckling the seatbelt and grabbing my hand carry in the over head cabin. I travelled long hours to get to here from New York. I wasn’t sure about how I was going to take the heat. Hopefully I hadn’t forgotten how it felt.

Once I was ready with everything in hand, I got off the plane and went into the terminal to grab the rest of my bags. I was going to be here for about a month since I had nothing better to do and I had some money to spend from the job I had back in New York. Okay so since we’re talking about my job, I might as well put it out there. I’m a model. There I said it. I didn’t really get why I was so ashamed of that but just seeing my face on magazines or banners in websites just creeped me out. I mean I loved posing for pictures and stuff but I just didn’t want to see the results. Yeah, I’m weird like that.

I had a lot of luggage with me so I had to get one of those pushcarts they had in the terminal. I had a lot of family back here in Tempe and it’s been a year since I last saw them. I didn’t even come down here for Christmas or New Year or any birthday due to how busy I was and I felt guilty for that. But there was another reason as to why I didn’t want to come home for the holidays. I didn’t want to have to face the faces I left while they were on tour back in the day where everything was just too much for reality to take.

Everything felt so unreal then but it all had to end some time right? Well that surreal experience ended when John started hooking up with random girls who wanted to get into his pants. It was the first time I went on tour with them and I was looking for a fun time. John and I have been best friends ever since we were kids. We were next door neighbors and we used to hang out a lot. I knew that he never wanted to take it to the next level because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship blah, blah, blah and at that time, I didn’t want to either but as soon as we hit the road, it was different. It was stupid but I was really jealous. Like extremely jealous to the point where I thought I’d never make it through the day. But I made it through a month before I ran away. They were out a party and I told them I didn’t want to go after a long argument and they just let me be. But that was their first mistake. That night, I packed my bags and ran away. No notes, phone calls or text messages. I left without leaving a trace of myself behind. I left but my heart didn’t come along with me. It was still there in John’s hand but he didn’t know it was there so he took it for granted.

I saw my mom as soon as I got all my bags and stacked them on the cart. She had a big smile on her face and ran to me as soon as I was near enough.

“Olivia Cassandra Harper, I’ve missed you so much,” my mother said embracing my slim figure.

Now maybe I was a model but I wasn’t one of those die hard anorexic ones that ate a grape or maybe even less than that for lunch. I eat a balanced diet and run around my block every day. Well maybe I eat a lot of fast food but exercising and my fast metabolism help me a lot.

“I’ve missed you too, Mom,” I said tucking a strand of my red hair behind my ear.

“You’ll never believe who came with me to see you,” my mother said making me think. Maybe it was my cousin, Danielle.

I was just thinking about who it was when suddenly, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around slowly before reminding myself why I chose to run away and never look back.

“Hey,” John greeted with that same crooked smile that made my heart melt.Someone call the paramedic. I think I’m going to have a heart attack.