Inside of You

I seriously didn’t expect him to be here so I just stood there dumbfounded. I blinked away from him without greeting him back and looked at my mother who was looking at me expectantly. I didn’t want to say or do anything that might cause a scene yet so we just walked to the car in complete – and awkward – silence.

I got my bags into my mother’s car with the help of John but even if he didn’t help me, I still would’ve gotten everything in the car. I nodded my thanks to him and then got in the back of the sedan that my mother has had for probably four years now. She was never really one of those people who wanted everything new. She was contented with what she had. Sadly, I was nothing like her. An example of which is that I wasn’t contented when I had John as a friend. I wanted him to be something more with me but that never happened. Instead, he just jerked off with some other girl making me too envious that I ran away and now, the friendship John and I had blew up into the tiniest pieces. I don’t think things will ever be the same between us.

John took the driver’s seat while my Mom took the passenger’s seat. I checked my phone as the car drove off in the pavement. I had ten messages from different modelling agencies. They wanted me to go to a photo shoot to model some clothes for them. I didn’t answer any of them since I knew I wouldn’t be able to my job for some time.

“So Olivia, how have you been?” My mother asked keeping her eyes out the window.

I looked up from my cellphone that just kept buzzing as I answered her. “Um, I’ve been better,” I said careful with the words I chose to use.

My mother turned in her seat to face me. Concern filled her eyes and that got me worried. “Well, you look prettier and I think you’ve shed some pounds,” she said with a smile. I smiled right back at her and looked at the rear view mirror just to see that John had his eyes one me.

I shied away and looked out the window. I was always body conscious but not to the point where I starved myself for anything. I sighed softly to myself and let the rest of the ride drown in silence as I plugged my ears with my earphones and turned on my iPod shuffle that I used for jogging and for times where I just wanted to drown myself in music. Just like now.

All Time Low started playing and I felt myself getting drowsy. I wasn’t really able to sleep much last night. I only slept for two hours in the flight and I hardly slept the day before that due to endless photo shoots. I needed to get away from that. I needed to find myself again and rediscover what I’ve lost this past year. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I should reconnect with everyone I’ve grown to know in my life, does it?

It seemed like only seconds passed before I had someone shake me awake. My sister, Andrea – Andy for short – pulled me right out of the car and let the hot Arizona breeze hit me before I was ready to face it.

“I’ve missed you so much!” she said hugging me tightly. I hugged her back just as tightly but I just didn’t have that much strength in me to really squeeze her.

John and my mother were unloading the car. I was about to go and help them but Andy started dragging me into the house. I looked back to see my mother smiling and telling me that it was fine. I mouthed a thank you and then got into the front door that seemed too familiar. I was back in the house I grew up in and right now, it just felt good to finally be home.

It was peaceful in the living room where I plopped down in the couch. But it wasn’t long until Andy started talking endlessly about everything that was happening in her life. She and I used to be really close. She’s now 16 and I’m roughly 20 and it seems as if nothing’s changed at all. She was still the same old kid that I trusted with everything. She knew exactly what I felt at a certain moment and she knew everything about me. She also knew about John but I don’t know maybe after a year, she forgot about everything I told her.

She was just in the middle of saying something when all of a sudden she saw someone come up behind me. I turned back just to see John smiling at me. It took everything in me not to smile back but I just ended up smiling anyway. Why was life bitching out on me now?

I turned back to Andy who was smiling evilly. “What’s with the smile creepy smile?” I asked biting my lip.

“Oh, nothing.” She told me and I narrowed my eyes at her. “Okay, okay, look,” she whispered before looking around and seeing that John wasn’t in the room anymore. She sighed before saying, “John’s been pretty fucked up lately-”

“Language, missy,” I reminded her as she rolled her eyes. I wasn’t really big at cussing but I knew how to curse when I needed to.

“Anyway, when he came back from tour and realized that you weren’t here,” she said pushing my shoulder with her finger harshly, “he got all panicky and asked me where you were. He was really worried about you, you know. And I’ve got dirt,” she said mocking those popular stereotypes on TV. It was a thing we used to do before when we had something to tell each other. I don’t really know why we did it but we found it fun so it became a thing of ours.

“Okay, spill,” I said playing along.

“John likes you,” she said slowly as I rolled my eyes.

“I know that, I mean we’ve been friends since-”

“I’m not saying he likes you as a friend,” she interrupted and I stared at her with an eyebrow raised. “That’s right sis, he likes you likes you,” she told me.

“Sure, he does,” I said sarcastically and she sighed heavily.

“I’m serious. He told me,” she said feeling all smug that she and John still had some kind of relationship going.

“Yeah, like how many months ago,” I said reminding her about the time I’ve spent away from Arizona.

“But he hasn’t moved on, dude,” she said but I didn’t believe her.

“Look, dude, he’s probably out there right now jerking off with some other girl. I don’t want to be the next in line,” I told her and she pressed her lips together so that it was in a line.

“He hasn’t been with anyone since you left and he came back from tour,” she said leaning on the side of the couch and putting her legs up so that she was facing me fully.

“And how would you know that?” I asked her crossing my arms as I took my shoes off and brought my legs up on the couch as I sat like an Indian.

“I asked the guys to spy on him,” she bragged and I just shook my head at her.

“Does anyone else know about this thing you said about John?” I said not wanting to think for a second that I had a chance to be with him.

“What thing? About John liking you?” she asked making everything obvious. I rolled my eyes as she laughed. “They all know about it and they’ve been waiting for this day for a very, very long time.”

Just then, the door swung open and four familiar faces walked in. Three of them had big smiles on their faces as they came to say hi but the other one didn’t seem too happy at all.

“We’ve missed you so fucking much!” Kennedy said hugging me first.

“Hey, how come he gets to curse without you reminding him about his language?” Andy complained placing her feet down so Kennedy could sit between us.

“Because I’m 20 and you’re 15,” he said sticking his tongue out at her. I laughed not knowing what else to say as I got up and gave Jared and Pat a hug.

“You have a lot of explaining to do,” Pat said releasing me from the bear hug he and Jared were giving me.

“Yeah and you owe us multiple hang outs,” Jared said ruffling my red hair.

“Okay, okay,” I said pretty excited to catch up with them.

I walked up to Garrett knowing he was anything but happy to see me. I was about to say something but then he pulled me into a hug. “Don’t ever leave like that again,” he whispered into my ear.

Garrett was the one who helped me through everything on tour. He was the friend I was quite lucky to have. He was the one I really missed. I mean I missed each and every one of them but Garrett was somebody who definitely stood out. When I left, I cried not only because I wasn’t able to bear with John and whatever it was he was doing with those girls. I cried also because I knew I wouldn’t be able to see Garrett anymore and that maybe all our memories would just get flushed down the toilet and neither of us would remember them. But I haven’t forgotten.

“I’m so sorry,” I said burying myself in his chest as I started to cry.

He stroked my hair repeatedly and soon I grew oblivious to everything around Garrett and me. It was as if we were the only ones in the room. Garrett walked me up the stairs and led me to my room where we were all alone.

I was sitting on my bed wiping my tears away. He grabbed the chair that was right in front of the dresser and placed it right in front of me but the chair was facing in front of me and he sat on the chair backwards. He rubbed my tears away hoping that I would start explaining myself.

“Why did you do it?” he asked stroking my cheek.

I looked up at him as fresh, hot tears started brimming in my eyes. “I just couldn’t take it anymore,” I told him and he shook his head and placed leaned on the chair with his hands on the top of the chair and his chin on top of his hands.

“You knew I was there for you. We could’ve gone through it together,” he said watching me intently.

“But I just couldn’t stand being with him in the same place, let alone sleep in the same bus for how many weeks.” I told him and he stood up and sat right beside me on the bed.

If you’re asking, no, Garrett and I were never together as a couple. Maybe there were times where we cuddled in a bed but it was purely because he cared about me and we were friends. It was never anything more than that. We just felt comfortable with each other.

We both lay down on the bed with him holding me in his arms. I placed my head on his chest and listened to his breathing. I missed this.

“I just wish you never left,” he told me as he played with my hair.

“What’s done is done, Garrett,” I told him and just laid there with him letting the silence fill the space between us.

I never really planned on regretting anything but right now, that’s not going so well for me. But at least now, I was with the people I loved. I was back home but with a heavy heart.Regret is taking over me.