Inside of You

"Get away from me," I said getting a hold of my senses. I wasn't about to let this freak hurt me again. This was my city and in here, I'm in control.

But no matter how I tried to convince myself that courage was the best thing to have right now, it shied away and hid somewhere deep inside of me.

He touched the small of my back and I flinched violently. I spun on my heel and slapped him as hard as I could before getting myself out of the kitchen that was filled with dozens of people. I didn’t want to turn back or see if he was following me. There were too many people in here and I really didn’t want to make a scene.

I found Kennedy watching a few guys try to chug more beer than the other. I decided to stay and watch because at least I felt safe with him. I couldn’t stand being alone. The fact that that guy who raped me from New York was here scared me but I didn’t want to make such a big deal out of it. I mean wanted to tell someone badly but I was scared not only for how they might react but also what they might do. They might get themselves hurt in the process and I really don’t want anything to happen.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Kennedy asked as soon as he realized that I was standing right beside him.

“I couldn’t find Adam or anyone else and I didn’t want to be alone so I came over here,” I told him and watched as he smiled.

“That Adam guy…” he trailed off, “something’s seems off about him,” he muttered to himself.

“Why does everyone seem to think that?” I asked but somehow, I was starting to feel the same way they did.

Adam didn’t happen to set this all up, did he? I mean wasn’t he my friend? Wasn’t he surprised when I told him everything? I was starting to doubt him and doubt our whole relationship. I wasn’t the deal he was talking about to his ‘client’, was I?

Suddenly everything clicked into place and I realized that I was being played all along. But what did Adam have on that psychopath? Did I need to help him? Wait, why am I thinking about helping a guy who set me up? I should really hate Adam. But somehow, all I feel towards Adam is scared. I’m afraid because he might have gotten himself tangled up in a really messy situation and he has no way of getting out of it – except me. But was helping him worth it? Would I risk my own life to save another? I might be kind-hearted but I wasn’t that in to martyrdom.

Kennedy didn’t seem to have an answer so he turned and watched a new set of guys flush beer down their throats. It was sort of amusing but I had a lot of things in my mind right now. I needed a distraction but in a party like this, it’s hard not to be afraid. I mean anything can happen and no one would care like at all about your whereabouts or your name.

I looked around and saw him standing in a corner just staring at me. He was drinking from a red plastic cup. He winked once and I swear I was sick to my stomach. I turned back around and realized that Kennedy had disappeared. I bit my lip as I maneuvered my way outside the living room and into the back porch. The garden was pretty large and dark. It was going to be hard to find me here.

A lot of people seemed to be having the time of their lives. They got high and laughed as if their voices couldn’t get any louder. They had nothing at all to worry about and that got me jealous.

Without giving much thought to it, I decided to walk towards a circle of guys and girls who were taking drags off of each other’s cigarette. One of them saw me approach and started to smile weirdly.

“Hi there, pretty lady,” this one guy said. He extended his arm and handed me the cancer stick that he took to his mouth a few seconds ago. “Here, take a drag,”

“What is this?” I asked eyeing it like it was the first time I saw it but really, I’ve been on weed for quite some time.

I don’t know why I try to lie to myself. I mean steer clear of drugs and cigars, really? I’ve been living under the influence while I was in New York but I don’t really remember what happens right after. That’s why I always pretend like nothing happened. Sometimes, I tell myself I’m crazy for trying to convince myself that I don’t need it. I don’t even know what my mentality on all of this is. Maybe I’m bipolar. Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

I took a heavy drag and blew the smoke out in rings. The guys stared at me in disbelief. I guess I really can fool people with the way I look.

“What’s wrong? You seem surprised,” I said with a smirk as I returned the stick to him.

“Guys, I think we have a new member!” he exclaimed and they all circled around me laughing and snorting like lunatics.

We started to play pass the cig in a matter of seconds while laughing our asses off. It was fun while it lasted but by the time I was completely crazy and out of this world, John came and picked me up. I swear I felt like a kid who did something wrong and he was my dad. He really did not have authority over me but I continued to let him push me around. Why was I so stupid?

John pulled me deep into the backyard where a small forest was situated. The coast seemed to be clear so when he thought we were far enough away, he led me around a tree with the biggest trunk I think I’ve ever seen and exhaled loudly. If we were in a cartoon, smoke would’ve come out of his nose. I laughed as I thought about John heating up and emitting smoke. That would’ve been crazy.

“What is wrong with you?” he screamed at the top of his lungs.

I breathed in the smell of nature and smiled the place seemed really peaceful. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’re high,” he said as a matter-of-factly. “What’s not to get about that?”

“So I smoked stick of weed. I’m still alive, aren’t I?” I said trying to make a point.

He only got mad at me for it though. Why doesn’t anyone get my sense of humor? I mean am I the worst joker on this planet? I know a lot of people who could make noses bleed by trying to say something funny.

“Look I have no idea why you’re trying to waste yourself away here but I just thought you were better than this. I thought you spent your life looking at the bright side instead of drowning in the dark. You have to get out of this before its too late,” he said in a very disappointed tone.

“You must think I’m some kind of monster now, huh?” I asked as I sank down and leaned against the tree. I didn’t really care about what he thought about me but having someone else tell me what they thought of me sorta mattered. Wow, I am losing myself in all of this.

“I don’t think you’re a monster. I just think you’ve lost yourself and you need to find a way to get back up and stand your ground,” he said sitting right beside me. He seemed to calm down but I knew that he didn’t let go of it completely let go of it yet.

“But what if I told you that the girl you knew was nothing but a complete lie? What if I told you that she was only putting up a strong front to flaunt to everyone? What if she’s been drowning all along but no one dared to help her resurface?” I asked. I didn’t even know why I was talking this way.

“Then I wouldn’t believe you,” he told me as he turned his head so that we were only inches apart. “I would say that I knew Olivia Harper better than you did and that I knew that she was an amazing person and that she’d rather waste her life in permanent happiness than waste her time getting a temporary fixation that’s bound to burn out.”

“Well you’re wrong,” I replied but even I knew that those words were nothing more than mere lies to show that I wasn’t that weak. But in reality, even a feather was stronger than me.

“Snap out of it, Olivia,” he said regaining the anger that was lost for only a moment. He got up and was about to walk away but of course, he had to turn back around and say something. “I don’t want to have to lose you again. If you get yourself stuck deep in all this crap you’re letting on then let me tell you that there’ll be no way to get you out of it. When you were in New York, I knew that there was a chance that you’d find your way back home – back here with me – but this is a whole other dimension. You’re slipping into the dark side and not even I know how to convince you to take a sharp turn and ride the easy way out.”

Okay, he was talking in riddles but I think I got what he meant. I hate how weed can make my attention really stubborn. I can’t seem to focus on anything for a really long period of time. All my thoughts keep wandering around my head like nomads who don’t find settling in one place satisfying.

“Just promise me you won’t lose yourself,” John said once more before leaving.

I started to feel the weed slip away. I started to feel tired. I might as well crash out here and let the bugs eat me alive. I didn’t want to move at all but when John was out of sight and silence filled the air, I started to feel really scared. My imagination was acting wildly and was playing tricks on me. My breathing became hard to control and all of a sudden, I heard a branch crack somewhere in the area. There were footsteps headed towards me.

Did John feel guilty for what he said? Was that even him?

“John? Are you out there?” I asked aloud but no one answered.

“I’m sorry but you’re friend decided to go back to the party and have a drink leaving you all alone for me.”

My heart started pounding erratically and all of my senses heightened. But I was still fatigued. I tried to get up but he beat me to it. He ran towards me and kept me on the ground by gripping my wrists. I screamed as loud as I could. I kicked and shouted for help but all he did was laugh.

“You should never have come here with Adam,” he said nipping on my neck. I swear to God I wanted to throw up.

I tried to shrug him away but it was no use. I was stuck. Tears spilled from the lids of my eyes as I tried to think of a way to get myself out of his hold. I tried screaming but no one was there to hear me out.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I said sobbing uncontrollably as I tried to knee him away from my body. But that did no good.

“You don’t have to worry about anything else,” he whispered into my ear. “I’ll take really good care of you,”

I was beyond disgusted with myself and I was overly tired. I never should’ve taken a drag. I just kept screaming and screaming hoping that someone would come and save me before anything else happened.

Just when I was starting to lose hope, footsteps crunched the leaves behind the trees. Someone dashed out of the darkness and threw that psychopath off me but before I could get up, my head started spinning and my vision started to blur. I was out in a matter of seconds.

But I was safe and that’s all I needed to know.