Inside of You

From the moment Andy got into ambulance to the time we stayed in the ward to wait for any results, I couldn’t stop thinking about what might happen if I lost her. Thoughts raced through my head. Tears wouldn’t stop falling. My life finally hit rock bottom or maybe even lower than that. I don’t even know what I did to deserve this kind of punishment. And what’s worse is our aunt never came back. I have no idea where she is and how to contact her. I wish I had some kind of adult guidance in this situation but life’s given me no choice but to move on by myself.

One thing I was thankful for was John. He never left my side no matter how many times I asked him to go home and get some rest.

“I’m serious John,” I said after trying to persuade him for the millionth time. “You should go home and get some rest. You probably have some stuff to do tomorrow and I don’t want to keep you from whatever it is you’re going to be doing.”

John squeezed the hand that he was already holding and made me turn to face him. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying with you no matter what.”

I bit my lip as the anxiety continued to build up inside me. I knew that I should be hoping for the best but I’ve had my hopes up too many times that I can’t even begin to think positively.

A minute later, the doctor came out and called out my name. I immediately stood up and walked swiftly to the doctor who had some information about Andy’s condition.

“Is she alright?” I asked eagerly. John kept his hands on my shoulders, asking me to calm down.

“We can’t say right now,” the doctor mentioned, “All we do know is that she’s lost a lot of blood and her heart’s malfunctioning-”

“What can I do to help?” I know it was rude to cut the doctor off midsentence but this was a life or death situation so I guess there’s an exception.

“Nothing for now,” the doctor paused to look at the chart, “We just have to observe it for a few days before calling anything.”

“But she’ll be fine, right? I mean her heart’s not completely damaged, is it?” I said, wanting to barge right into the emergency room to see exactly what’s going on.

“We hope for the best, Ms. Harper.” And with that, the doctor went back into the emergency room leaving me even more worried than I was before.

I turned back and wrapped my arms around John. I guess John was right. I really didn’t want to be alone right now and I’m just glad I didn’t persuade him enough to hit the road back to his house. I know I’m being sort of selfish for taking some of his time away from him but I don’t know. I just can't do it all on my own.

We walked back to our seats as we waited for more news. I knew it was going to take hours but I didn’t want to leave the hospital. I was pretty tired but I didn’t want to close my eyes. I didn’t want to miss anything. Who knows, maybe the doctor would come bursting out of the doors in a while, telling me that she’s going to be okay.

After a while though, my eyes had become too heavy to bear and sleep took over.

***

I woke up at about 10 in the morning. It took me a while to notice that I was actually on a bed and it wasn't just any bed. It was John's. Anger rushed inside me as I got up and tried to find him. He was in the bathroom taking a shower. So I knocked wildly at the door hoping he'd come out. I was scared shitless and I just hope that the reason we're here right now is because Andy's back home as well but that's hardly possible. Her condition isn't suited for home confinement.

"John! Get the fuck out of the shower and take me to the hospital!" I yelled. I didn't want Andy to wake up knowing I didn’t bother to check up on her. It's the little things that matter when it comes to her so if I want to mend our broken relationship, I have to sacrifice a little bit more.

John walked out of the door seconds later with only a towel covering his waist down. I wanted to turn away since I was probably blushing hard but there was no time for that. If I wasn't facing any situation right now, I would've wanted to head right in the shower with him but I just had to have my mind set on other things.

"Baby, please calm down. The doctor just called and told me that she's doing fine and her cells are dividing, replacing all the blood she's lost. She's going to be asleep the whole day," he said calmly as he cupped my face in his hands. I wanted to melt into his touch but my mind couldn't stop racing.

“What about her heart?” I asked.

“Doctor said that it was a false alarm of some sort and then he spoke in some kind of medical language that my brain couldn’t process,” he mentioned, trying to make me laugh. I smiled in appreciation instead.

"Thank you for the information but I don't want her to know that no one bothered to check up on her while she was asleep," I said, taking his hands from my cheeks.

"But why?" he asked, grabbing my hand as he drew me close.

"John, she's my sister and I'm the only family she's got. She can't go through her life on her own. She won't make it without guidance. That's why I have to protect her even though she completely irritates and infuriates me." I wish she'd heard what I just said. I wanted her to know everything. I needed to prove everything to her.

"The guys think differently though," John muttered.

"Please tell me you disagree with them," I begged, looking deeply into his eyes.

It took him a while to answer me back. He thought long and hard about it and for a while there I thought he was going to say what I wanted to hear. "I don't want to lie to you," he said.

"I know where you're coming from but this is my chance to make it right with her and I don’t want to waste this opportunity,” I said, wanting to break down. I stopped myself before I felt the first tear coming on but even if it didn’t come out, John knew exactly how I was feeling.

“I guess you’re right,” he finally gave in, “But it’s only right for everyone else to be there because we’re probably part of why she’s in the hospital right now.”

I merely agreed to what he said but I guess I couldn’t stop them from asking for forgiveness even though the fault wasn’t really on their side. The only thing I’m actually scared about is meeting Garrett and Kennedy again.

We got into the car after John changed into some clothes. I kept silent as we drove inside the car but with John singing along with the radio, it wasn’t all too quiet. Once we got to the hospital, I got out as soon as John switched off the engine. I guess I was hoping for Andy to be awake already but when we got to the room where she was being held, she was unconscious. The doctor said that it was okay to talk to her though since she was able to hear what was going on. The last time that happened, it didn’t go all that well. My mother woke up and gave me her final words before she went ballistic and eventually passed away.

John and I sat on the stools beside Andy’s bed. I didn’t know what to say to her. I just told her that I was by her side but I doubt she’d wake up for that.

Minutes later, the rest of The Maine filed into the room. Kennedy, Garrett, Jared and Pat had shock written all over their faces. They stared intently at the gauze wrapped around her wrists before making their way over to where John and I were. Jared and Pat were the first to give me some cheer.

“She’ll get through this,” Pat tried to say. But I knew that they were just saying that for the sake of making things more comfortable for me. From what John had told me, they didn’t really like Andy as much as they used to before I came or whatever.

Garrett looked like a lost kid. He sat silently on the couch along with Kennedy who was keeping to himself. I can see that he had some deep anger set inside his eyes but he knew better than to make a scene at this point in time.

“Guys, I think it’s about time we try to apologize,” John started to say. Everyone’s heads perked up and I saw some eyebrows rise but I understood exactly why they held those kinds of faces.

“But we didn’t do anything wrong,” Garrett spoke suddenly. I looked at him but he refused to look at me. It was pretty awkward. I just hope we get through it.

“Well maybe you wouldn’t want to say it loud but I’m sure deep inside, we have something to apologize for. So here’s the deal, we’ll do this one by one. The rest of us will be waiting outside. Garrett, you start,” John ordered.

Garrett didn’t whine about being first. I think he was kind of relieved though that everyone was heading out of the room so that he could talk to her in private. Once we were outside though, Kennedy tapped on my shoulder and stopped me in my tracks.

“Can I talk to you in private for a while?” Suddenly, he has this nervous look on his face. I didn’t want to go talk to him alone but I had to. I had to get this over with whether I wanted to or not.

I excused myself from John and walked down the hallway with Kennedy who inhaled and exhaled harshly. We stopped right in front of an empty ward and sat on chairs.

I swallowed hard before I turned to face him. “What’s this about?”

“Look, about that phone call yesterday,” he started, “I had nothing to do with it. Andy told me that it was meant for Garrett who was supposed to burst into my house and do something stupid. Please believe me-”

“Kennedy, I believe you but what happened yesterday...” I trailed off, not wanting to continue.

Kennedy didn’t seem to catch on to what I wanted to say. He was staring at me with hope in his eyes. It was going to be hard to let him down.

“What about it?” he asked after a minute.

“Well, I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I mean you’re a great kisser, don’t get me wrong but I think it was more a mistake than it was anything else,” I rambled, biting my lip as I waited for his reaction.

To my surprise, he had this large smirk on his face. I thought he was going to snap in a second but he seemed relieved for some reason.

“Don’t worry about it, Liv. I was about to say the same thing but I really didn’t know how to word it out. I’m glad you said it first or else I would’ve blown our friendship out into the solar system,” he joked.

I chuckled as I gave him a hug. “So are we good?”

He nodded and we started to walk back. I was glad that at least one thing turned out right today. Maybe this is where life starts turning right for me. But then again maybe this could be similar to a roller coaster ride. You get really high up before you come crashing down hard.