Inside of You

JOHN

I watched Garrett walk out of Andy’s room with nothing but a disappointed look on his face. He shook his head at me as if saying that there was no hope at all. How could he say that, though? I mean I thought they were like better friends than most of us.

I shoved those thoughts aside as I watched Jared and Pat go inside together. Ten minutes later, they came out with relieved faces. I was confused at this point. Should I head inside or not? Before I could decide, I saw Kennedy and Olivia come in from the east wing. I smiled at Olivia before getting up. She seemed a tad bit happier and I was glad that she took her mind off of what was happening.

“Anything new?” Olivia asked me, watching the room intently. The door wasn’t open enough to peer inside if you were far away from it.

“Garrett just walked out on us,” I told her. Her eyebrows knitted together.

"I'll be right back." She swiftly made her way to the exit leaving me to have no choice but to head inside Andy's room.

Kennedy disappeared suddenly so I couldn't put it off much longer. I walked inside her door like it was no big deal. But fact of the matter is that I had a pretty heavy heart and that was not a good thing.

I shrugged my nervous thoughts away as I sat by her side.Seeing her in such a fragile state made me think that about everything that's been going through her head but that was kind of impossible seeing that she probably had a lot of things going on up there. But here I was procrastinating my time away. If I wanted to make this right, I should probably get a head start.

"Uh, hey Andy," I said quite nervously as I watched the monitor beep. It was the only spud inside this room and it scared me to death because any second now, it could go off and all chances of Olivia being truly happy again could turn to dust.

"I know that we've had a pretty rough past. I'm sorry that what you wanted to happen between us didn't work out. I hope that's not why you're here. It's just...I love your sister so much -- I don't think I have to explain much further because you can already tell -- and I can't just leave her at any opportunity possible. I know she's the one for me and I really hope you can see that," I paused briefly, hoping to get some response but got nothing. "I really do hope you take into some kind of consideration what your sister is doing for you. All she wants is to protect you and be the sister you long for her to be but seeing as you tend to push her -- if not, everyone -- away, it's been hard for her to show you her concern. Let us all in to your life again Andy and we'll give you another shot. We want to see you get better and we can't help you if you don't let us-"

"Oh save your sob stories for someone who cares," Andy rambled.

For a second, I thought I was hearing things but the moment she turned in her bed with her eyes open, I knew that she was awake. I was going to get up to call Olivia but she was quick enough to stop me.

"Look John," she started, "I'm never going to be the person everyone wishes me to be. I know it's hard to understand but that's the way I truly feel and I hope in one way or another, you'll understand. Mind games are a part of who I am and frankly, I don't care if people hate or love me. I am who I am and if you don't like it, then it's your loss."

"You're kidding, right? You expect me to believe all that BS right there?" I asked rhetorically. It was weird that I actually censored my profanity but I've always thought of Andy as a little girl so I guess it was appropriate somehow.

"Oh John, you have so much to learn," she said in a sing-song voice as she sat up from her bed. "I live for drugs and alcohol alone-"

"You've only been taking them to cope with your losses, Andy. It's not your way of life." I didn't care that I was actually using a stern voice on her. I'd do anything to get her to listen to me.

"But that's where you're wrong, Johnny. I'm in love with drinking and smoking. Injecting myself with shit is also pretty cool. Makes me feel all doctor-like which is kind of awesome in a way," she said.

"Maybe in your world it'd seem cool but look at what it's done to you. Are you seriously happy with the way things are right now?" I asked, hoping to get through to her but I only got angry.

She started to laugh as she caught my initial reaction. I wanted to hide my anger but I couldn't . How could she be so selfish? Why does she intend to be this way? Doesn't she see a brighter outcome without all the shit she's been shoving into her system? But then again, I've been told that once you take too much, you can never get enough. I just wish Andy had more self-control.

"I've always been happy, John. But it's not necessarily due to what's been happening in my life. It could be because of other things," she explained as she looked around the room. She just couldn't stop smiling and it was freaking me out.

"Then why try to kill yourself?" I knew this one shot through her like a steel blade but I just had to know.

She stayed silent for a few seconds but when she finally thought of an answer, she smiled even wider -- almost as if she was possessed by the devil.

"I thought it was a fun thing to do. Besides, I was pretty bored," she said as if it wasn't a big crime to go and take your own life away.

"Why don't you go watch TV like every other normal person?" I asked seriously with a hint of sarcasm. Sadly, she only got the sarcasm bit since she started to chuckle.

It was awkward to be in this situation right now. Actually, it was kind of scary. She was acting so strangely and I didn't know what I could do or say to make things better for her. I wish I did though.

She placed her head back on her pillow and shut her eyes. I guess that was my cue to leave so I got up and got out of the door. I saw Kennedy about ready to take my place. I patted him on the shoulder once as he walked inside.

I tried to think of ways to help her but the only thing I could think of was rehab. Would Olivia go for it though?