The Life of a Teenager

I don't understand why some people would say that life is beautiful.

I can understand that there are beautiful things in life, and that some may misconstrue that as life itself being a beautiful thing, but for me, life is scary.

I've just started at a new school, and I'm scared absolutely shitless.

Teenagers are ruthless, from my experience, they kick you when you're down. Which, as you can imagine, sucks.
Not all people do this, some help you and try to make you see that life isn't so bad, but my experience with people hasn't been the best.
Life doesn't seem like something that people can enjoy, it seems like something that people want with all their hearts to enjoy, but end up being alone and frightened instead. In case you didn't guess, I'm a pretty big pessimist.

I'm scared to grow up, I'm scared to go to school, but mostly, I'm scared to live.

Growing up means more responsibilities, which means more people are relying on you to do things correctly, but I struggle to do things correctly now! And some people would say 'you're a teenager! You're allowed to make mistakes!' but my worry is that when I'm not a teenager anymore, and I make a mistake, what can I blame that mistake on? Nothing. That's what. If I make a mistake once I've 'grown up', then that's it. That's a mistake that I can therefore be blamed for by others. And I don't particularly like getting blamed for things, it makes me feel really ashamed and sad.

Going to school under normal circumstances would already be pretty bad, (I don't mean school subjects, I mean the pressure and stress of doing well and trying to fit in with societies image) but now, add on a new school. In this school, I have one friend whom I trust. I have more acquaintances, by she's really my only friend friend. And she just got a boyfriend, so now she's pretty much abandoned me most of the time to text him, and walk home with him, and hang out with him outside of school, and use all her credit on him.
Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, and they like each other, so I'm really happy for her. It's just, I wish that she'd make some more time for me, not that much time, I understand that she has a job, and a boyfriend, and an annoying grandma at home to look after her whilst her mums in hospital, I just want one or two afternoons a week, that's it, just some days where she doesn't need to see her boyfriend, or go to work, or get home before her grandmother yells at her for being late.

Maybe I'm being selfish.

I just miss her, that's all, I miss it when we hug, and when she says how much she missed me, even though we saw each other a few hours ago. I miss when she wasn't always at work, or telling me about how amazing her new boyfriend is. I really miss it.

I'm scared of life, because living means making your own choices. It means deciding things for yourself, being independent, helping yourself, and choosing people to trust.

Life scares me shitless, but I guess I'll just have to pull through.