Bursting Red

The hot water spilled over me like a dream. Scrubbing away all reminders of the heat, the fire, his words. All of it I wanted gone. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate his words, no one had ever said something so romantic to me and for that, I was endlessly flattered. But he was different. Or better yet, changing into something he wasn’t. It was only in times like this did he act slightly normal, like the Deidara I did know and love.

We had just arrived in a nearby village and all I had heard was the talk of the explosion in the hidden cliff village. We found a small but comfortable room and I excused myself for the shower just for the sake of being away from the world for a bit. He didn’t mind but he looked at me with worry in his eyes. I was past clean by now but not yet ready to see him. That was the biggest problem, it was only when I was away from him was I able to question everything. When I was around him, all I could think is how much I needed him. How much I loved him. A small knock on the door sounded and I called out to let him in. “Are you alright? You’ve been in here for a while.”

“Yeah, I was just getting out actually.”

“Would you leave the water running then?” I agreed and he left. I wasn’t kidding anyone, he saved me. He’s given me all that he could and here I was questioning it. Even though the water was nearly scalding hot, I managed a shiver. With the towel tightly wrapped around me I left the bathroom and was met with a rush of chilled air. I looked up and smiled at Deidara. He was shirtless and without pants, but still wearing his undergarments. I had to avert my eyes away from his chest where I had seen previously he had stitched shut a much larger mouth. “Nezumi, what’s wrong?”

“Deidara…Uh, I…” I glanced up at him and lost my courage. “I need to get dressed.” I mumbled. His mouth formed a tight line and he looked away awkwardly.

“Right.” With that being said he walked away towards the shower, leaving me to my own humiliation.

“Dammit!” I cried out when I heard him get in. I flopped down on the bed pathetically, shaking. Why couldn’t I just say it? I loved him, I truly did. So why couldn’t I just spit it out? I got dressed in a hurry and wrapped the thin blankets around my frail body. I was nearly asleep when I heard the bathroom door creak open and a wave of humidity floated through the air. The bed shifted under his weight and he joined me in the small bed.

“Are you awake, un?” He asked in the silver shadow of the moon, the ghost of his touch breezing against my arm.

“Yes.” I replied shortly, breathing in the soft and sweet smell of the soap. His hair was damp and it fell against my shoulder as he bent over me to kiss my cheek. I turned to lay on my back, his elbow propping him up above me. Brushing a few copper strands from me eyes he smiled down at me softly This was Deidara, not the man I saw earlier so bent on destruction. “I need to tell you something.” I said quietly, not even I was sure I could muster the courage up to tell him. He raised an eyebrow at me and frowned, moving farther away from me. Strangely, my mind stumbled back to what home used to be. Kaa-san and Tou-san, I couldn’t help but wonder if they still thought of me. Probably not, not after what I had done to our family name I guess I wouldn’t blame them. He saw the trouble in my eyes and his own gaze softened, brushing his hand against my cheek I noticed that he had bound his hands for my sake. Something he only ever did when he was feeling gracious.

“Tell me then, hm.”

I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. “Thank you Deidara, thank you for everything.” It was all I could say and when I cast my eyes back towards the sheets I knew he caught on to my lack of confidence. But he knew I would say whatever it was when I was ready. His hand crawled up my neck and tangled itself in my short, wild hair and when his hot breath hit my neck I couldn’t help but sharply intake my breath. Between Deidara and I there was a fine line distinguishing intimacy from romance. He was romantic in a sense he held me during the night and kissed me in the morning. We weren’t really intimate. There was no love making, no mega intense kissing, nothing. It‘s not that I didn‘t want to more or less I didn’t know how to put it into action. Putting aside the occasional wet dream I had, being involved sexually with Deidara was nearly unfathomable. I wanted it but could never picture myself actually committing to it.. And I knew he felt the same in a different way. He saw me as this innocent little girl that he didn’t want to take advantage of. It’s not to say he absolutely didn’t want it as his occasional hinting never went unnoticed but he never took it farther than soft touching and risqué kisses.

He was inching closer to that fine line though, judging by his sudden jump in heart rate he was feeling a bit more uptight than usual. I turned my head to face his and intently he was searching my face for any positive sign. “I wouldn’t do anything you didn’t want, un.” Him saying that only made things worse. I didn’t want to make the decision because then it might not ever happen. And I didn’t want to be unfair to him. Was this a relationship? Or something other? I was rambling to myself and I knew it was only to avoid answering him.

“What do you want Deidara-kun?” He looked up at me from the spot on my neck he was toying with and smiled sweetly at me.

“I want you to be happy.” That was all the reassurance I needed. Brushing his hair out of his face I couldn’t help but laugh when he grinned at me. Deidara would always be Deidara, no matter what happened. His headband was gleaming in the moonlight from the table behind him and in it I could see the reflection of the moon. I needed him, his protection, his love. I needed it all and I believed then and there he could give it to me. “Are you, hm?”

“With you I am.” I responded shyly, looking at him through my lashes.

“Then that’s all I need, hm.” What a jerk. He flung himself backwards away from me and laid with his hands behind his head, that slick grin never leaving his face. He opened one eye and looked over at me, laughing at the expression on my confused face. “Something wrong Nezumi-kun?”

“Yes.” He raised an eyebrow at me and his grin faltered slightly. Before he could ask further I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my mouth against his. “Nobody likes a tease.” I said lightly, pulling away from his sweet mouth. He took that moment to wrap his arms around me and look me in the face.

“I wasn’t teasing, I was waiting, hm. There’s a definite difference.” He laughed and playfully nipped at my ear before rolling me around so he could straddle my hips. I was nervous but managed to hide it well. Thank god I was also quite worked up as well or else it wouldn’t have worked so easily. “Now, now Nezumi…you’re being rather outgoing, hm?” His head dipped down and he licked my lower lip quickly before pulling away and delivering another smug smile. “So tell me what your next move will be onna.”

I never said he was a proper gentleman.

It was extremely out of character for me but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try to make this work for now. I moved my hand up his arm and tangled it in his blonde hair. I was wondering if I was going to hurt him if I pulled too hard but I stopped myself from rambling again before I could start. His hips moved forward slightly and I tensed and nearly stopped breathing when I felt something hard press against near my inner thigh. This was really going to go that far? My body pushed my mind out of this and I reacted as naturally as I could. My back arched and a soft sigh escaped my lips as he pressed harder. “Deidara-kun…”

“Is this what you want?” This was nothing like the time in the alley when our nerves had gotten over stimulated. I stopped then, because I had a reason to stop. There was no excuse to hold me back now, we were alone as ever and the timing was nearly perfect. I stilled for a small second and looked up into his young face. Being torn between two options was never something I liked. “Nezumi-kun?” And I knew. I placed a slender finger to his lips and made a small shushing sound.

“This is what I need…Deidara…I-I think I love you and I’m-I’m willing to give you everything!” It came out so fast I wasn’t sure he understood. Until his mouth crushed mine in a fit of heated passion. He said something in a rush into my parted lips. I didn’t understand but really, I didn’t care. His hips moved harder and it was almost painful as he pressed his excitement into my leg. His hand moved up to the hem of my shirt and he tugged. It was being pinned down my his stomach and he broke away from the kiss to look at me and make sure it was okay. It came out just a whimper but that was enough for him. He pulled the shirt up over my head and tossed it carelessly to the ground.

“You’re beautiful Nezumi. A work of art. My work of art.” He muttered, glazing over my body with heavy eyes. I blushed but he couldn’t see it in this dark light. His eyes looked almost grey and with another soft sigh his fingers were brushing at my heated core. I couldn’t take it. I had hardly even ever dreamed of being touched so raw and so tenderly. This was panic, chaos, and complete bliss. I didn’t know whether to squirm in sickness or delight. “Relax.” He muttered, frowning at my subtle reaction. It wasn’t what he was looking for but he understood. Without warning he slipped two fingers in, gentle and yet invading I opened my mouth in a silent swear.

It was no wonder Kaa-san never wanted me around boys. They were absolutely filthy.

My hands clenched at the sheet and I almost trembled to imagine what anything bigger then his two slender fingers would feel like. I knew he wanted to be more careful but he couldn’t. The rush of heat was too much to contain and his hands were moving harder and faster, it hurt.

It hurt in a comforting sort of way. Was this love?

Forcing my eyes back open I looked at his face. Concentration and determination. It could be mistaken for something passionate and I wanted desperately to take it as such. After all, he hadn’t said he loved me back.

But at least I found comfort knowing he had probably thought it at the time.

His fingers pulled out suddenly and he held it up in the silver light, a small smirk playing at the edges of his crooked mouth. “Ah Nezumi-kun, I see you’re bleeding. Does it hurt, hm?”

“A small bit but it’s nothing to worry about.” I said heavily. I lied, it hurt terribly so. He had gone too rough and although it was enjoyable the pain from his force had nearly smothered the pleasure. “Are you going to…” I began. He brought his attention away from his hand and he stared at me curiously.

“Would you like me to?” When he saw my eyes shift direction he nodded quietly and crawled back towards me. I was cold but when he cradled me within his arms I was caressed by his raging body heat, I felt bad. I wanted to, to some extent. I was scared and dammit, I wanted so desperately for him to say he loved me. My naked body was tightly in sync with his hardly clothed form. It was appealing and yet, startling. When I wanted to sleep all I could do was think.

Deidara, Deidara, Deidara.

He was like an addiction. He was my opium and without him I would lose my mind. But he was so terrible for my well-being I really should have known better. It was easier to sleep when I turned over, burying my cold face into the crook of his neck. The natural smell of his skin lulled me into a soft and gentle thought, things were going to be fine.