The Coffee Girl

“Patrick is just so amazing.” That was the same sentence I had been hearing for the past hour, each time thinking that Rachel was talking about Kaner. No, she had fallen for the other Patrick on the team. The one that didn’t have drama flying at him left, right, and center. The one that would give her a life empty of any heartache or confusion. Me, on the other hand, I couldn’t quite say that about where I was at this moment. “He is such a sweet guy.” Rachel flipped over on my bed, her eyes staring up at the ceiling in a dream-like daze as I pretended to be reading my magazine. I hadn’t told her about what happened with Jonathan and decided it was better to keep it that way. She didn’t need my drama ruining her high. It was like a virus, the drama, spreading onto anything it came in contact with. I wasn’t going to let that happened to my best friend.

“Yeah,” was all I could say in response to her one hour lecture about how Patrick was so sweet and funny and handsome and normal. Yesterday I had gone to Sharpie’s house without any expectations of any guy and now I was sitting in my room, wondering what the next step was. Was Jonathan going to call me? He hadn’t called all day. Should I call him? Had he told Kaner? Something like this wouldn’t be stressful with anyone else, but Jonathan managed to always make everything ten times harder than it should be.

Rachel turned to look at me. “Are you okay?” I nodded and forced out a meek smile whilst mindlessly flipping through the magazine pages. I was looking down, but no words were sinking into my brain. There was only one thing running through my mind; Jonathan. God, I hated him sometimes! Anyone else and I wouldn’t be feeling like this. It was just something about him, something confusing yet enticing that I couldn’t get enough of. Rachel eyed me suspiciously. “Ookay...” I continued pretending I was reading an article. “Are you coming to the Hawk’s game today?”

Crap! I’d forgotten they had a game. It seemed strange that just one day after Christmas they had to go back to their jobs; back to the men they were on the ice. I continued flipping through pages and shrugged, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. I wasn’t ready to face Jonathan, but if I didn’t go Rachel and Patrick would realize something was wrong. “I guess.” That seemed like a suitable reply.

Rachel smiled. “Good. I thought we’d go a bit earlier while they’re practicing to wish them luck.” Wow, I’d never seen her so excited about hockey before. Actually, I’d never seen her so excited about anything before. I shrugged again, nervousness taking over my entire body.

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Rachel and I walked into the almost empty arena side by side, both looking out for two different Blackhawks. The sound of sticks hitting the puck and skates on the ice echoed throughout the stadium, bouncing off the walls and making me feel even more uncomfortable. I used to be the one walking in confidently, waiting to see Patrick with that smile on his face, or even just to exchange a few friendly words with Jonathan. Now, Rachel had taken over that role. She moved forwards briskly, stopping behind the Plexiglas to stare out at the team. Patrick was the first one to skate towards us, followed by Sharpie who immediately started a conversation with Rachel. In the distance I saw Jonathan stick-handling the puck with skill and precision. Once his gaze moved towards me I felt my stomach tighten. I waved at him and he skated up to Patrick and me.

“How do you guys feel?” I asked. I meant it in terms of the game they were about to play, but I noticed Jonathan’s shoulders slightly stiffen.

Patrick nodded. “Pretty good. I’m sure we’ll take the Caps no problem.” He flashed his friendly smile and I couldn’t help but smile too. I then looked at Jonathan who—even for him—was being extra quiet.

“You nervous?” I asked him. He licked his lips, his eyes not moving away from my face. The tension we had between us before was nothing compared to what was going on now. Patrick looked from Jonathan’s sever face to my hopeful one.

“About the game?” he asked for clarification. I nodded awkwardly. He flashed a look at Patrick and straightened up. “No, I’m not nervous about anything.” Patrick eyed us once more before being called back to the ice by the coach, leaving Jonathan and I standing alone. I gulped loudly and let my eyes trail up his red uniform until it reached his face; those dark, unreadable eyes staring down at me.

“Well,” I said with a small sigh, trying to break the silence between us. It shouldn’t be like this, not after we’d shared a kiss on Christmas. Not after everything we’d been through. Not after we’d seen each other at our worst. “Good luck.” Mustering what bit of confidence I had in me, I reached my hand out, searching for his. Immediately, Jonathan backed away and let his head scan the ice in case anyone had seen. My heart seemed to fall at this motion. Jonathan regretted the kiss; that much was obvious. I’d always thought of him as strange and distant, but not a man to go back on something. He usually knew what he wanted and made it clear to everyone else, but now, as we stood together, I had no idea what all of this mean. “Okay,” I said with a lick of my lips. “Bye.” Whatever expression I had on my face, Jonathan must have noticed it because his nostrils flared and his lips thinned into a line. Turning around, I tried my best not to let my emotions take over. He didn’t say anything so I just walked over to Rachel and plastered on a fake smile.

“I should probably get back on the ice,” Sharpie said as he waved at me. I quickly wished him good luck before he skated back to his team and prepared to do a few more drills before the game.

Rachel’s eyes bore into mine for a moment. It was so hard keeping everything from her. “Cal, what’s wrong?” Whatever expression i had with Jonathan, it must have still been evident on my face. She placed a hand on my upper arm and manoeuvred her head to get a better look at me. I tilted my face away, hiding myself from her prying eyes.

“Nothing,” I replied. I couldn’t tell her what was going on without breaking down right then and there. The one thing that I had been trying to deny myself since I’d first met Patrick was seeping into my mind with each passing day; I felt something for Jonathan. Something strong that I didn’t even understand. And to be turned down by him like that—after he’d given me a sliver of hope at the party—made my heart feel like it had dropped into my stomach. Daring a glance out onto the ice, I noticed Jonathan’s gaze focused in my direction. I quickly spun around and moved up to the seats.

“I’m your best friend,” Rachel said, following me up, “you know you can tell me anything, right?”

I smiled back at her. “I know...just not now.”

In a weird understanding between best friends, Rachel nodded as we sat down in our seats and waited for the game to start. Today, however, was probably the first time I would ever say I hated such good seats. With Jonathan only feet away from me, his number 19 Jersey mocking me at such a close distance, I just wanted to leave. But I couldn’t do that to Rachel and Patrick.

“Jonathan is looking at you,” Rachel’s voice whispered in my ear, snapping me out of my depressing thoughts. Low and behold, Jonathan’s head was cocked over his shoulder in my direction. I felt my stomach knot at the sight of him. Quickly, he turned back to look at the ice. His expression was the same as the first time I’d met him; mysterious and completely perplexing.

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The stadium was quieter now as everyone began filing out into the parking lot. Rachel and I had waited for the majority of people to leave before making our way to the change rooms to congratulate the guys on their win. The least I could do was tell Patrick he did an amazing job. So, this is what it felt like to be so brutally rejected. I didn’t want to think of Jonathan let alone see him, but I had to suck it up and accept that—like in hockey—you win some and lose some. After everything I’d gone through with him though, I just wished that this was one I hadn’t lost. For some unexplainable reason, I began smoothing out my Kane jersey, as though it would do anything to change the current situation. With a few knocks on the door, Sharpie opened and flashed a perfect smile at Rachel and I. Simultaneously we congratulated him then I waited for Patrick to come to the door next. In the background I could see Jonathan slipping on his sweater and quickly looked away, not wanting to be met by his eyes.

“Hey,” Patrick called, immerging from behind Sharpie to wrap his arms around me in a hug. I hugged back, feeling myself somehow give into him. He pulled away and smiled. “Told you we’d beat the Caps.”

I chuckled. “I didn’t doubt you for a second.”

“Good,” he laughed, “Hold on; let me go get changed and I’ll be back.” I nodded, watching him walk back into the change room. Next to me, Sharpie and Rachel were keeping up an intense conversation; one where their eyes were locked and lips fixed into permanent smiles. How simple it had come to her. She didn’t have to deal with college meat heads or wandering around in the rain. There were no tears shed or hearts shattered. I was envious of my best friend because all she needed to make her life perfect was an introduction and sweet ‘hello’.

“Calli,” The deep voice made me tear my gaze away from Sharpie and Rachel shamefully. Looking back at the change room door I realized it was Jonathan standing in front of me, his hair wet from the shower and his eyes dark like chocolate.

“What?” I asked, trying to make my voice as acidic as possible. I slowly backed away from the door, forcing him to come out too. I didn’t want Sharpie and Rachel to hear whatever conversation was going to occur. Running a hand through his hair, Jonathan scanned the hallway once then took hold of my hand and pulled me after him, stopping as soon as we hit a small nook in the wall big enough to fit two. Without any words, he pushed me back against the wall and leaned his head down towards me, our lips meeting. I felt my stomach jolt and my heart begin racing to the point where I thought I was going to pass out.

Confusion was beyond what I felt at this point. Did he like me or didn’t he? Were we friend or more? Were we even friends, for that matter? So many questions and no answers. His hands dropped to my hips and I raised my arms to his neck. I wanted to stop it, hold the upper hand in this situation, but couldn’t. Every part of me just melted into him.

Slowly, he pulled away and smiled down at me. A genuine smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle. He tugged on the base of my jersey. “I have to get you one of mine to wear,” he whispered. I looked down at his hand that suddenly seemed comfortable in touching me when three hours ago he’d acted like I had some infectious virus.

“Jon,” I said in a serious tone, “you have to stop this.”

His smile faded into his usual frown. “Stop what?” I pulled my arms away from his neck and moved his hands away from my hips.

“Stop toying with me,” I replied. Jonathan licked his lips and leaned back against the opposing wall of the nook. “I don’t know what you want.” I waited in silence for him to say something—anything that would make me feel better. My eyes outlined his face, the crevices that made up who Jonathan Toews was. The full lips and dark eyes that seemed to know too much for their own good.

“I...” he sighed and pushed up off the wall to lean towards me. “I want you.” His voice was soft as he placed both hands tentatively on my waist. “I just—I know I have a weird way of showing it.” That was an understatement. “You’re different, Calli, in a good way and in a bad.” This definitely wasn’t making me feel better. Noticing my uneasy expression he lifted his hands and placed them on the wall next to my head, as though trying to keep me in place. Was it that obvious that I wanted to run away? “Good, because I never thought girls like you existed...” his breath tickled my ear, sending a warm tingle up my spine. “Bad, because you make me feel things that I’m not comfortable with or ready for.”

I ran a hand through my hair. It was all making sense now. “And that’s why you don’t want anyone to know.” Jonathan breathed deeply and let his head fall. “So they won’t think that the captain is going against his better judgement.” I pushed sideways against his muscular arm, urging him to drop it and let me go. He didn’t protest, just let it limply fall to his side. I didn’t need what Rachel had found to be happy, especially if it was causing me so much pain. Jonathan was stubborn and until he was ready to admit that and stop it, I didn’t want to have to deal with it anymore. Moving back out into the hallway, in clear view of Sharpie, Rachel and now Patrick, who had come out to find me, I said, “Let me know when you come to a decision.” Then turned around and left.