Mutiny Below

Jayce

I bit my bottom lip as I folded my arms and stared at the bag on the bed. It had two outfits and some pajamas. I finally sighed and dropped my arms as I walked out of the bedroom. My thoughts were still jumbled, as they had been for the past several days. I knew this was the only way to clear them. I was just worried about what would happen after the clearing.

I found John in the living room. Garrett was lounging on the couch with him. The two of them were watching some comedian on the TV, but both their eyes glued to me when I stepped in front of them.

“Hey Jayce! It’s been awhile. How are you doing?” Garrett immediately sat up, as well as John. I could tell John had been confiding his worry in Garrett. It was obvious in the tone he used and in the way he was looking at me.

I mustered a smile, the best I could. “Hey Gare.” I weakly responded, but it was enough. John’s eyes widened to the size of saucers and Garrett grinned like a goof. “Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a moment, John?”

“Of course, baby.” John jumped up and put his arms around my waist as he guided up both to the kitchen. His eagerness made my stomach drop. Garrett gave us another wide ass grin before turning his attention back to the television.

John didn’t let me go once we entered the kitchen. In fact, he squished me to his chest once we were alone and buried his face in my hair. I leaned my forehead against his collarbone and closed my eyes briefly.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” He finally muttered and exhaled with relief. I frowned because I knew different.

“John,” his name came out in a tiny child-like voice. I swallowed hard and pulled away from him some to look into his green eyes. He was smiling a little, though there was still some concern in his features.

“What’s the matter, baby?” He pushed some of my hair behind my ear and rested his forehead against mine. I couldn’t remember a time where he’d called me ‘baby’ more than once. It just wasn’t John.

I took a deep inhale and shifted my gaze from his eyes to a tuft of his hair that was sticking out. “I have to go to Phoenix tonight.” I breathed the words and tried not to watch as his face scrunched with confusion.

“Is everything okay? Did something happen? Has Adam called you?”

I licked my lips and tried to keep my voice steady as I let one more treacherous lie slip through. “My mom called, actually. She said she needs me early, some kind of charity dinner she wants to put together.” I shrugged and faked nonchalance.

John’s eyebrows furrowed together. “You’re going to a charity benefit?” The skepticism was there, as I had guessed it would be.

“If I do this, I may get next week’s dinner off.” I again, attempted to smile, hoping it didn’t come out like a grimace. John bit his lip and stared at me for a while, making my anxiety start to rise. Then he nodded.

“I guess that’s not such a bad trade off.” He cupped my cheek in his warm hand. “When are you coming back?”

“Friday-ish.”

He chuckled and dipped his head down closer to mine. “I don’t want you to be gone that long. I miss you, Jayce.” He spoke softly and earnestly, making my heart melt.

“I’ll be back.” I promised and then bit my cheek. Who knew what I’d be like when I got back was the real worry here.

“I know.” He whispered and then ever so slowly and tenderly, he pushed his lips against mine. It was like our first kiss, cautious and loving. It was just like John. I smiled honestly as he pulled away. “You want me to help you pack a bag.”

“I’ve already got one put together.” He frowned for a second but then sighed.

“Okay. You have to leave right now?” He pouted and blinked those green eyes a couple times. I smiled sadly and was about to say yes when Garrett interrupted us.

“Uh, she doesn’t get to leave until Nick’s shows done.” He declared and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the name.

“Will you stay to watch the rest of Nick Swarson’s show, babe?” John pleaded and I rolled my eyes.

“My limit is two hours, boys.” I warned and then giggled as he kissed my cheek.

“Eh, there’s only about fifteen minutes left.” Garrett shrugged as he grabbed a beer bottle from the fridge and headed back for the living room. “I’m pushing play whether you guys come out here or not!” He yelled and I giggled again as I slipped from John’s arms. I reached for his hand and he locked our fingers as we joined Garrett out on the couch.

Garrett was totally wrong about the fifteen minute thing. The show didn’t end for another hour and forty-five minutes. After that hour though, Nick entered the apartment. My whole body tensed though I tried to calm it in John’s embrace. Our eyes locked for a few seconds, when he first walked in, but then he stormed off to the guest room. Garrett asked if he was on his ‘man period’ and John snickered while he nodded.

The last forty-five minutes were hell. I couldn’t stop thinking about Nick being just a room away. I couldn’t stop thinking about how John was surely noticing my body frozen next to him. Nick or John? It ate at me for what felt like hours.

I ran from the apartment as soon as the credits rolled. I gave John a small kiss, Garrett a hug, and I successfully ignored Nick. The drive to my parents house was depressing at first. Until I screamed fuck at the top of my lungs with the windows up in an empty parking lot. After that I was able to roll the windows down, turn the radio up, and sing/scream along with all my energy. It made the time fly by faster.

Once I got to the large house, I almost regretted my decision to come. Nick or John? I groaned and entered the back door like so many times before. Surprisingly, I found my mother crying at the kitchen table. We booth froze and stared at each other like frozen deer in headlights.

She was the first move, minutes later. “Jayce, I didn’t know you were arriving a whole day early.” Her mouth fell into a straight line as she quickly wiped away the tears and smeared makeup. I was still struggling to close my mouth when she stood up and started fixing her hair. “The least you could do was call and warn us.” That snooty stuck-up tone snapped me out of my daze fast.

“What’s going on?” I threw my bag down and crossed my arms.

My mother simply raised her eyebrows. “What are you talking about Jayce? I have no time for games.”

I rolled my eyes. “Why were you just crying?” Her eyes immediately dropped from mine, making me shiver. My mother had never been one to look away first.

“I’m not discussing that with you Jayce. Now why are you here so early?”

“Is it dad?”

Her lips tightened into a frown. “Jayce—,”

“What is it, mother?” I nearly yelled at her. All of my own drama was wearing me thing, which she apparently noticed. She sunk back into her chair and dropped her head in her hands. “Just tell me. It can’t be worse than what I’m dealing with already.”

She glanced at me, and for the first time I could remember, she actually looked worried. For me. Then she sighed and ran her hands through her hair. “This isn’t a conversation for you to hear, Jayce. I mean it’s absolutely,” she trailed off and bit her bottom lip.

“I’ve heard worse.”

She shook her head. “I haven’t been faithful to your father, Jayce.” My bones stiffened and my blood went cold. “I haven’t been faithful to him in a long time.” I suddenly regretted walking into this house a whole lot more than usual.

“It was an accident at first, but then it just kept happening, and now he wants to leave his wife for me. I can’t leave your father though. I love him, I really do. Things are just complicated. I don’t know if I should tell him now or die with my secret. I can’t leave him. That’s not an option.”

Tears slowly found their way from my eyes to my cheeks as she talked.

“Oh dear, don’t cry. It’s alright. Whatever happens, your father and I will work it out.” She reached out to cradle my head in her hand, but I left before she could. I ran to my room and I locked the door behind me. I stumbled into the attached bathroom and collapsed on the floor. No matter where I went, what I did, who I loved, it would always be there. Nagging me.

John or Nick?

* * * * * * *

Adam arrived not much longer. Of course he had the one extra key to my room so he had no trouble with my lock. I supposed mom called him to come comfort me, but he wasn’t up for much comforting. He strolled into the bathroom and sat down beside me. I was curled up in the fetal position while he leaned against the wall, staring blankly at the sink. We were silent for a long time.

“This is so fucked up.”

Complete silence consumed us. After a few hours he noticed my sniffling and glanced at my tears. He frowned and maneuvered so that my head was lying on his lap. He ran his hands through my hair and still stayed quiet while I fell slowly asleep.

When I woke up, Adam and I were in my bed along with Andrea, who looked like she’d been doing a lot of crying as well. Adam was in the middle, snoring like always, with his arms protectively around me and Andrea. I smiled a little at his typical big brother act, but then frowned. He was hurting too. He was just hiding it to be strong for me and Andrea.

I slipped out of the bed and went to the bathroom with a fresh set of clothes. I showered and changed, running a brush through my wet hair before sneaking out of the bedroom. It was dark out and when I checked the clock it read 3:20 a.m.

I continued to sneak out to the garage, where I got in one of my father’s cars since I’d left my keys up in my room. I turned the radio off as I drove. The Phoenix city lights never failed to shine beautifully, but after a while I drove away from the lights. I ended up at the old Country Club like always.

I didn’t bother with alcohol from the club, but instead I went straight to my little nook out on the golf course. It was surprisingly kind of chilly but that didn’t bother me. I leaned against my tree and I cried, like I hadn’t cried enough within the past week.

My heart thumped in my chest. It ached and it throbbed. It was missing the one thing I wanted most right now. It was irrational. I should have been able to take this hit and stand on my own two feet, maybe call my boyfriend for support, but that wasn’t what I wanted.

I wanted Nick.

I wanted him to make everything better with just the touch of his finger tips, because that’s what he did. Whenever I was around Nick, things were fine. I didn’t care about guilt and I didn’t feel pain. He just made me whole.

John or Nick?

My thoughts asked the question one more time, but my heart answered back. I gasped and wiped the tears away as I stared at the sky. I couldn’t be the selfish bitch I had been.

I stumbled several times as I ran back to the car. I had to drive to the nearest pay phone since I had conveniently left my phone with my car keys. I found change in the astray and dialed the number without hesitation. I knew this was finally the right thing.

“Hello?”

“I want you to meet me, please.” I begged.

“Jayce? What the hell, it’s like 5 in the fucking morning.”

“I need you, please.”

He sighed. “Okay, I’m on my way.” I sighed with relief. “Wait, where am I supposed to meet you?”

“Take Route 15 to Phoenix. Exit 226, you’ll see the big Ramona hotel on your left. Can’t miss it, I’ll meet you there.”

He hesitated for a moment. “Jayce, are you alright?”

My heart pounded in my ears as I smiled slightly. “I –,” the words stuck in my throat and I rolled my eyes. “I love you, Nick.” I hung up immediately after I said it. My hands were trembling, my pulse was racing, and my thoughts were numb as I got back in the car and sped off toward Tempe.

I started fidgeting as I got closer. My fingers went to my neck to mess with my necklace I hadn’t realized I was still wearing. My heart immediately sank as I touched it. It was the necklace John gave me.

I couldn’t be torn in two anymore. John would always be a part of me, but it was just different now. Nick completed me. I bit my bottom lip as I raised my left knee to the steering wheel and took my hands off of it so I could unclasp the necklace.

I remembered every time I’d asked John to take it off and I shivered. I could almost feel his fingers on my neck as I tried uselessly to unclasp it. I briefly closed my eyes as I imagined his smile and his soft eyes. I’d miss them, but I couldn’t string him along.

My knee slipped in that moment and the car spun to the left. My body froze in fear and I kept my eyes closed, still seeing that sweet look on his face. He was better without me.