Dear God

So far the cook out had been going well, though Brian and Johnny seemed to be avoiding Clary like she had the plague. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, letting her breath out and walked over to them. Her heart was beating in her chest and she felt like it was going to beat out of her ribcage, something she hadn’t felt since she had met Matt. This was different, though, this made her feel light headed and nervous. Everything relied on this, she knew that she had to act cool and mature; no matter what happens she still had Matt, but she wanted to get along with his friends. She knew they blamed her for putting Matt in jail, and yes it was her fault.

“Hey,” She spoke, her voice cracking a bit. Her cheeks flushed as she cleared it and went to speak again. “I know you both don’t like me because Matt is in jail,” she stopped and took a breath, “because of me. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t want it to be like this. My mother caught us and called the cops, if I could redo that night I would. I wish I would have known that my mother was there and that she was going to do what she did. I’d give my life just to trade places with him.”

She finished her little speech and couldn’t look up, tears threatening to spill from her eyes and down her cheeks. Johnny was the first one to speak.

“You’re right, it is your fault that our lead singer, best friend is in jail. You’re the reason we can’t do what we love and probably never will. Because he fell in love with you, he lost everything. And now you’re carrying his bastard child.”

Each word was like a slap to the face, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks and her mascara and eyeliner running. She didn’t hide the fact that she had let his words get to her, they went straight to her heart like a dart to a dartboard; hitting the bullseye.

Johnny turned his face from her and made his way away from her, not wanting to be in the same vicinity as her. Brian looked at the young girl before him, his heart breaking as he thought about McKenna, his little sister. What if she were in Clary’s shoes would he judge her as harshly as he was with Clary? His mind was racing with thoughts as he brought the dark, brown bottle to his lips and took a swig of his beer. He swallowed it and awkwardly stubbed the toe of his shoe on the concrete of the patio.

“Hang in there kid,” he finally uttered and, after, walked away.

That didn’t do anything to appease Clary’s tears or her broken heart. She didn’t care that she wanted this cookout, she couldn’t stay there any longer so she fled. Fled through the sliding glass doors and out the front door, both Zeke and Icky barking as the wood slammed shut. Blindly she made her way through the neighborhood and to the busy streets of the small town, her feet carrying her to some destination. She just wanted to get lost and to wallow in the pain of self-loathing. All the sudden a sharp pain hit her, making her wince and grab her stomach. She couldn’t be going into labor yet, she wasn’t ready. That and the fact that it wasn’t her due date yet. She was only a few weeks away. Another sharp pain stabbed through her stomach and she winced, trying to take deep breaths; her knees buckling, hitting the pavement hard.

“Miss are you okay?” Someone asked her, stepping up to her.

“Does it fucking look like I’m okay?” She snapped, the pain making her edgy, something wet flowing down her legs and her eyes going wide. “Shit, my water just broke!”

The person that asked if she was okay began to panic and pull out their cell phone, calling 911 and for an ambulance. A crowd had gathered around him, an elderly shop owner coming out with some towels and a pan full of water. Dipping in one of the towels she began to dab at Clary’s forehead.

“It’s alright dear, I know what I’m doing. This is all just a precaution, we don’t know when the ambulance will get here; all this traffic congestion might hinder them a bit.”

Clary could only nod before another contraction hit her and a cry of pain slipped through her lips.

Everything went by so fast, the next thing Clary knew she was in the hospital room and holding the small bundle in her arms. The little girl gave a yawn, her hand curled into a fist by her face. Tears of happiness clouded Clary’s eyes but there was a damper in the atmosphere as Matt couldn’t be here. Zacky, Jimmy, and Adrian had showed up and she was thank for that. Zacky handed Adrian a camera and went picture crazy, documenting the day Annabel Lee Sanders was brought into the world, the pictures were going to be sent to Matt when Clary was able to see him.

Right now, Clary was resting as Zacky and Adrian cooed over the baby. Jimmy having fallen asleep on the pull out couch. That is what Clary was supposed to be doing, sleeping, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t stop wishing that Matt were here to see Anna born. Quiet tears slipped down her cheeks as she heard the people talking around her. Oh how she wished things were different and that her mother would have listened to her, before calling the cops. Her life had turned upside down and it was all because she loved someone society deemed a predator. He wasn’t one, everything was out of love and she couldn’t fathom why they wouldn’t see that; she knew that every single one of them had been in love at one point.

“Ree, I know you’re not sleeping,” Adrian’s soft voice broke her thoughts as her soft fingers began to wipe away the tears that had fallen.

Clary couldn’t say anything for the fear that she would break down entirely, something she had been trying to hold in this whole time.

“You know he’d want to be here,” Zacky told her, rocking the little girl in his arms; the girl asleep with no cares in the world.

“I know,” Clary spoke, more tears falling. “I just wish things were different, Zacky. I wish we would have met when I was older, I wish my mother would have listened."

“Listen, don’t waste your breath on what ifs. Things happen for a reason, I don’t know what this reason would be but they do. You just need to think positive and raise this little girl. Once Matt is out he’ll come for you I know that. He loves you so much.”

I gave him a small, watery smile, “Thank you, Zacky.”

He nodded his head and went to lay the precious little thing in the small bed, a nurse wheeling her out of the room and to the nursery, that way they could monitor her and get everything settled, plus they wanted to let Clary sleep. They all told the guests that it might be a good idea if they cleared the room and let her get some sleep, all of them saying their good byes as they trooped out the door. Clary frowned once they were gone and finally broke down, the whole works. Tears, hiccups, snorts of trying to breathe filled the room; it wasn’t pretty but she needed this. The pent up feelings felt like she had a weight on her shoulder and this was her only way to release them. Finally she had cried herself to sleep, body shaking a bit, her breathing a little uneven and lilted.

Her heart monitor was going crazy, not wanting to cause I scene she began to take deep, calming breaths. Finally the room became quiet again and the only sound was the beep of the heart monitor and her sniffles. She had never felt more alone than she did now. She missed everyone, she missed him, she missed her baby girl, most of all she missed the simple life.