Love, Aspen

As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I shouldn’t have said them. Instantly, both Matt and I were stiff with awkwardness. I looked up at him and then my eyes darted away from his. I focused on putting my cigarette out. I heard him swallow. I looked up again.

“I wanted to—“

But before he could finish, I had my right hand on the side of his face and had my lips firmly planted on his. It wasn’t long before he had his tongue tracing a line across my bottom lip. I leaned into him and braced one hand against the concrete patio, grabbing a handful of his hair with my other hand. I felt his hand on my waist and I could taste the smoke on his breath. A car rushed by and Matt pulled away.

I looked up at him and I suddenly felt like a little kid. I felt like I had done something I shouldn’t have done. I quickly looked away and wiped my dirt covered hand on my bare leg. He stood up and held a hand out for me. No sooner we were inside the apartment, he had his mouth on mine again. He sat down on the edge of the couch and pulled me into him. He had both of his hands wrapped firmly around my middle. He kissed my mouth, my cheek, my chin and my neck. I straddled one of his thighs as his lips met my collar bones. His hands gripped the hem of my tank top. I let out a long breath.

I felt his calloused fingers against my stomach, his thumbs rubbing my skin. Goosebumps rose over my stomach and he raised my shirt up over my belly button. He looked up at me and I willed him to go on. He slowly lifted my shirt up over my head and I leaned down, pressing my lips against his again. His hands trailed lines up and down my bare back and my skin pressed against the cotton of his t shirt. He breathed against my mouth and placed a trembling hand on my neck.

“Matt?” I asked quietly.

His breathing was quick and fast. Nervous. “Yeah?”

I brought my hand up and placed it on top of his, not saying another word. I put my head against his and smiled. “What the fuck are we doing?”

“I’m not sure.” He said, his voice trembling. He wrapped his other hand in mine and leaned back so I fell on top of him onto the couch. “We can stop if you want.”

I looked away from his face and wound my fingers in between his. “I just don’t want to go too far.”

“I won’t make you go any further than you want.” He whispered. He kissed my mouth again and pulled away. “I can stop.” He paused, kissing me again. “Anytime…” He stopped again and kissed me. “You want.”

I laughed and kissed the side of his mouth. “I don’t think I want you stop.”

He wrapped an arm around my waist and tucked it into the back of the underwear that I was wearing. His other hand was interlocked with mine and we lay there, me half naked and him wearing his t shirt and boxers. We laid there and we breathed and we were quiet. Despite me telling him I didn’t want him to stop, he had stopped.

“So should I tell you I want you to stop and you won’t?” I asked playfully, running my finger along his jawline.

He sighed loudly, smiling. “I just don’t think we should jump into anything.”

“Matt I’ve known you for like four years.”

“I know.” He said. “I just don’t want either of us to get all rebound-y on each other.”

“I’m not rebounding.”

“I know you’re not.”

I was quiet for a minute. “Courtney really fucked you up, huh?”

He moved his hand out of the top of my underwear and rested it on my side, doing his best to focus his line of sight anywhere but my face. “I guess so.”

I pulled my hand out of his and sat up. He reached up for me, but I moved away from him and reached down to get my tank top off the floor.

“Aspen.” He said quietly, sitting up. “I don’t mean to—“

I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.”

“It’s just—“

I turned towards him, now covering my chest with my arms. “I fucking get it okay.” I laughed. “I know.”

To this, Matt said nothing. He only looked out of the window and sighed loudly. I picked up my shirt and walked into Matt’s room, closing the door behind me. It wasn’t that I was pissed off at him. Like I had told him, I understood. Trusting someone sexually is hard. Especially when you’ve been hurt before. I was just frustrated. I wanted to open up to someone and I wanted it to be Matt.

Who was I kidding? I wanted sex.

I grabbed the handle to the door and pulled it open, walking back out to the living room. Matt looked up at me, questioningly.

“I think your clothes are in the dryer.” He said quietly, trying not to stare at me.

“We don’t have to have meaningful sex.” I said quickly. “I just want to have sex. I want to fuck.”

I watched as a laugh formed in his throat and traveled out of his mouth, a flash of his teeth and the sound of his voice harsh. “Aspen, I’m not just going to fuck you.”

“Why not? You fucked Kelsey.”

“I have respect for you.” He snapped, getting off the couch. “Put a shirt on. Have some respect for yourself.”

Now I was torn. I wanted sex. But I wanted Matt. I wanted something, I just wasn’t sure what.

“Come on Matt. It’s not like I’m that important to you. We could just be like friends with benefits or something.”

He walked past me, completely refusing any eye contact with my body or my face. “You’re too young.”

I followed him into the bedroom. “That didn’t stop you from pulling my shirt off earlier.”

“Aspen, I’m not going to have sex with you.”

“Why not?” I cried out, much like a child.

“Because!” He yelled, turning around. “You fucking act like that! You’re not even mature enough to be having sex, Aspen. You don’t just walk up to some guy and be like, ‘I want to fuck.’ What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m not mature enough?” I snapped. “Since when the fuck did you decide what my maturity levels are? And you’re not just some guy, Matt. I’ve known you for four years and I trust you!”

“Why do you even want to have sex with me?” He asked quietly.

And I thought about it. And I wanted to tell him it was because I loved him, but I wasn’t even sure if that was true. I loved him to an extent, but I wasn’t sure if it was the type of love that came from appreciation or affection. I wanted it to be the latter, but I didn’t want to lie to him. I didn’t know why the fuck I wanted to have sex with him, I just wanted to.

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t kissed anyone like that in a while. And it seemed like maybe you were enjoying it.”

“I was. I did.” He said softly, still turned away from me. “I just don’t think that I am ready for that type of relationship and I don’t want to use you, Aspen.” He grabbed my shirt off the bed and handed it to me. “Come on, put your shirt back on.”

I didn’t bother with it. I sat down on the bed and sighed loudly. “I’m that girl, aren’t I?”

“What girl?”

“That girl. The one you’re friends with and all that, but you’d never have a relationship. It’s because you think I’m fucking crazy, isn’t it?”

“Aspen.” He half laughed, half sighed. He sat down next to me on the bed and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him. “There’s nothing wrong with you, all right? It’s me. I have crooked dick and I’m embarrassed and I don’t want you to see it.”

I laughed now, rubbing my nose.

“See!” He said, looking down at me. “You’re already laughing. Can you imagine if I actually showed it to you?”

“You don’t have to show it to me.” I smirked, looking up at him.

“Aspen.”

“I’m just kidding.” I laughed. “That was a joke. I swear.”

“Good.” He said, handing me my shirt again. “Will you please put this on? You’re making me uncomfortable. I feel like the cops are going to knock on my door and bust me because you’re underage.”

I slapped him on the arm, but put on my shirt anyway. “I’m sorry for acting like such a freak.”

He shrugged. “I’m sure we all get a little freaky at times.”

“Obviously you don’t.” I smirked.

He looked over at me. “Am I going to have to endure all of these prude jokes now?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “It depends on my mood I guess. You totally just cock blocked me. I mean, seriously. I just got out of jail and I haven’t had sex in like seven months and you get me all hot and bothered and then—“

“Oh my God!” He laughed, standing up. “This is so inappropriate. I should not even be talking with you about this right now.”

I stood up and pinned him against the dresser. “Why is talking about sex inappropriate?” I grinned. “Is it because you want it just as bad as I do, but you feel like it’s wrong? Promise I won’t tell anyone.” I said, holding my pinkie out.

“Aspen.” Matt groaned, looking up at the ceiling. “Please don’t do this to me.”

“I’m not doing anything.” I laughed, holding my hands up in the air. “I’m an American, I have freedom of speech, you know.”

He walked away from me, waving me off. “I know. I know.”

I had the grin still permanently stretched across my face. I wrapped my arms around myself and watched as Matt walked into the kitchen only to realize he left the cigarettes on the porch. I heard the sliding glass door open and when he didn’t invite me to come outside, I realized I might have made him slightly uncomfortable.

I knew that Matt hadn’t rejected me just because I was underage or because of stupid Courtney. I think he genuinely felt like it was wrong or too early for him and me to be messing around with each other. Which, I guess was partly true.

But the way that it felt when he kissed me was fucking everything compared to any other person I had ever kissed in my entire life. I felt like when I kissed Matt, I was being kissed because he wanted to kiss me, not because he was trying to get off or because he was too high to know what he was doing or because he needed to get off.

And maybe I shouldn’t have been so pushy and so needy. But I felt like nothing between us was going to happen unless I acted needy, like I really had to have him. I knew he wanted me back. He just didn’t feel right about it. And I understood that completely, but that didn’t change the fact that he had gotten me turned on and now I could do literally nothing about it.

I felt like giving him the guilt trip again with the whole Kelsey thing. But it was obvious to me that was not going to work anytime soon. And so maybe if I just continued my ‘inappropriate’ talk, I could break him down.

I wanted sex.

And I wanted it bad.