Love, Aspen

I was in front of the mirror in the bathroom, scrubbing Cassie’s number off my arm. Matt and I had gotten into a fight about it last night and he hadn’t talked to me about it. I woke up this morning and there was a note on the table that let me know he was recording at John’s house and there was a party over there later tonight if I wanted to come. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be anywhere near Matt at this point. I wanted to support him and be there because I knew that he was excited about the album, but he’d gotten so fucking worked up yesterday and we hadn’t even talked about it yet, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be around him. I had about an hour before the party started and I figured that I should scrub off Cassie’s number, pull on some clothes and find my way over to John’s house.

I grabbed the cellphone off the counter and called Aly. “Hello?”

“Hey Al, it’s Aspen. You going to John’s tonight?”

“Yeah, I’m already here.”

“Fuck.” I gritted my teeth.

“Matt left the car there for you to drive. He said you knew how.”

“Bastard.” I snapped. “Are you around him?”

“Yeah, hold on.” I heard the phone passing between hands and Matt’s voice came through the receiver. “Hello?”

“Matt, how do you expect me to get to John’s tonight?”

“I left the car for you.” His smile leaked through the line.

“I can’t drive that fucking thing.”

“You can too.” He laughed.

I snapped at him. “I don’t think you’re funny Matt. This is bullshit. You spent all night being pissed off at me, you’re gone when I wake up and then you leave me that fucking death contraption to drive to John’s house? Is this a god damn joke?”

“Babe, I’m sorry for getting upset with you yesterday.” His voice quieted. “I was just jealous, alright? I want you to be here tonight with me and I promise we will talk about what happened yesterday later. I know that if you just calm down, you can drive the car to John’s. You’ll be fine, okay?”

I sighed loudly. How did it even work out that Matt was able to calm me down so easy all the time? It was like he only had to say three or four words and all of a sudden, I was no longer crying or angry or yelling. I was completely fine.

“I really don’t want to drive the car. Can I walk?”

“If you want it to take you two hours.”

“Can’t you just borrow Craig’s car to come and get me? Can Aly come and get me?”

I heard him chuckling again. “You will be fine. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye.” I groaned.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“I love you.”

I smiled to myself. “I love you too.”

I put the phone down and walked into the closet, dressing myself quickly. I had on a pair of skinny jeans and I tore the sleeves off of one Matt’s old t shirts, pulling it on. It hung to my knees and I merely shrugged and yanked on the dirty converse I had been wearing the day of my interview. I went back into the bathroom and ran my hands through my hair. It was wavy and faded and it looked like shit, but I didn’t mind. I got close to the mirror and stared at my own eyes, thinking of how much better they would look with some make up, but I ignored the fact.

I went back into the living room, grabbed the keys off the counter and stuffed the phone into my pocket. As I walked towards the car, I got a nervous knot in my stomach. I really did not want to drive this god damn car to John’s. I was fucking terrified. But since I had been put up to the challenge, I felt like I had to do it. I got into the car and took a few deep breaths, reminding myself which positions meant which gears and to let off the clutch slow and soft. I killed it twice before the car rumbled to life and I carefully got it into reverse and killed it once more in the middle of the lot. But I managed to get it started again. My hands were shaking as I made my way to John’s and I kept it in second the whole time, because both times I’d tried to shift it into third, the gears grinded and the car shuddered. I could feel the phone vibrating in my pocket, but I merely ignored it.

I pulled up to John’s house and there were cars all over the place. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and saw Matt in the yard, looking at me with a grin so big that it was obvious he was making fun of me. I slammed it into park and got out.

“You ball sucker.” I snapped, a smile sneaking out of my mouth.

He laughed even harder. “Ball sucker, huh?” He got into the car. “Let me park this and then you can bitch at me all you want for making you drive it.”

I watched as he easily parked it and then got out, tossing me the keys. “I don’t want these.” I laughed.

“Why not?” He asked, tipping his head back to exaggerate the swig he was taking out of his beer. “You need to be my designated driver. I’m getting drunk tonight!”

I grabbed him by the wrist and turned him to face me. “So you’re not mad at me anymore?”

He shrugged. “I dunno if I was mad in the first place. Like I said, it was me. I got a little jealous.”

“I don’t understand why.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “I don’t know Aspen. I don’t want to talk about it right now, okay?” He kissed me on the cheek. “Can we just have fun tonight and talk about it tomorrow?”

“I guess so.”

He smiled at me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him. “You guess so?”

I laughed. “Yes that’s fine.”

We walked into the house and it was a quiet party. Not necessarily how I envisioned the whole ‘party’ thing. People were drinking and there was music, but most of it was older people. In the crowd, I could pick out Matt’s band members and I walked past Aly and Craig a couple of times.

Matt walked up to John and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey dude I’m gonna peace out. My girl showed up with the car.”

I felt confused and looked at Matt strangely, but didn’t say anything.

“I throw a party for you kids and you just bail on me?”

“I know.” Matt laughed. “I’m sorry dude. But I’ll see you another time, yeah?”

“Of course. Take some alcohol with you! I’ve got way too much.”

He smiled. “Alright I can do that.”

On our way out the door, Matt grabbed a six pack of Mike’s Hard and followed me out to the car. I turned and looked at him. “What’s going on?”

Matt shrugged. “That party was lame so I figured I would just tell them that I was waiting for you to come pick me up because you needed my help with something.”

“Oh I see.” I paused as Matt shoved me away from the passenger’s door. “I’m just your scape goat, huh?”

He smiled at me. “Oh you’re more than that.” He tossed the alcohol in the backseat. “You’re also my driver.”

I got into the car and started it with ease this time. “I’m getting pretty good at this shit, you know.”

He grinned over at me and winked. “I know.” He paused. “You know how to get up to Table Rock?”

I looked over at him. “Yeah. Why?”

He nodded towards the road. “We’ve got some alcohol and some blankets in the trunk, any chance you’d wanna go camping?”

I laughed. “I guess so.”

“You guess so?”

“Yes.” I paused. “That’s fine.”

Both Matt and I threw the blankets down and spread them out, sitting on them. I rubbed my hands together and blew on them.

“You cold?” He asked.

“Not really.” I paused. “Are we really staying up here tonight?”

“I don’t see why not.” He smiled, cracking open two beers and handing me one. “You scared of bears?”

I took a swig of the drink and turned to him. “I’m scared of being murdered.”

He laughed at me. “I’ll protect you.”

We were quiet for a few minutes and then I set my beer down and leaned against him. “Are you going to tell me why you were so upset about the whole Cassie thing?”

He sighed. “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.”

“Matt, you’re the one that made a big deal out of it. I just want to know why it made you so upset. I mean, it wasn’t even that you were mad, you seemed genuinely upset about it and I just want to know what it is that I did that made you feel like that.”

“It’s not anything you did.”

“Cassie?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, Aspen. I have shitty self-esteem to begin with and just the way that she was able to walk up to you and be so confident that you wanted to talk to her, it just made me feel like a total fuck wad. And when you said that it had something to do with Courtney, I lied and said it didn’t. And it didn’t really; it just goes back to the fact that I don’t feel good enough. Y’know?”

I nodded. “I know Matt. And I didn’t mean for you to feel like that at all. I would never get with Cassie again or have sex with her again. Honestly, it was just something stupid that I did while I was in juvie. Now that I think about it, I don’t even know what I was thinking.” I paused. “And I want you to know that at this point, there isn’t anyone that’s better than you for me. I love you. I love the way that you smile, I love it when you wake me up in the morning, I love the playfulness of everything about you, I just love everything about you. You’re the fucking best, Matt.”

“You love the fact that I act like a fucking girl because I’m so insecure?” He laughed.

“Of course I do. I accept that fact about you Matt. Maybe along the way I can change that, I can make you feel like you’re worth it and that you’re awesome. But love isn’t about trying to change someone. It’s about accepting who they are.” I paused. “I would love to change the fact that you don’t think you’re as great as I think you are, but I can’t expect that to happen. The way you feel is the way you feel and I have to accept that in order to love you.”

As I turned to look at Matt, he pushed me down and planted his lips on mine. My beer spilled down my neck and I laughed, dropping the bottle to the other side of me. I felt his hand resting on my hip as he trailed kisses down my face and my neck, his tongue tasting the alcohol on my skin. I continued to laugh and he stopped kissing me, looking me in the eyes. I grinned up at him and tried to pull him back down, but he refused.

“I don’t want to lie up here and make out with you, Aspen.” He began.

I cut him off. “Are you going to pull that cock blocking shit again?”

“No.” He laughed. “I just don’t want to have drunk sex with you again.”

“You’re not drunk.”

He nodded. “I know.”

“So you just don’t want to have sex.”

He laughed and pulled me next to him. “I have issues with having sex after people pour their hearts out to me.”

“You’re a fucking weirdo Matt.” I paused. “And who even said I wanted to have sex with you?”

He looked down at me and kissed me on the mouth again. I wrapped my hands around his neck and he pulled away again. “You don’t have to say anything Aspen.” He laughed. “You like sex, don’t you?”

I laughed and bit my lip. “I love sex.” I was quiet for a moment and ran a finger down his jaw line, almost whispering. “But I love you more and if you don’t want to have sex, we don’t have to.”

“God damn it Aspen.” He chuckled nervously.

“What?” I asked. “What did I do?”

“That voice. That sleepy whispery voice. Do you even understand how attractive that is?”

I grinned to myself and whispered hoarsely, creepy even. “Oh you mean like this.”

He laughed and pulled me on top of him, intertwining our fingers together. “No, not like that.”

I leaned down close to his ear and whispered softly this time. “You mean, like…” I paused and planted a soft kiss on his neck. “This?”

“That’s it.”

I laughed as he turned his face towards me and connected his lips to mine, his hands going up my shirt and holding my rib cage, rubbing circles on my skin with his thumbs. He let one knee down and I rested my body between his legs, letting his hands wander and his mouth wander. His kisses became hungry and it wasn’t long before he’d taken my shirt off.