For The Love of The Game

It was currently five in the morning, and I was sitting on the edge of the bed while Cristiano slept peacefully behind me. I had been crying for the past hour to myself, disappointed and ashamed at my weak will that Ronaldo had broken once again. Sergio would be furious, and Fernando…I don’t even know what he’ll think, but if he really feels the way Sergio told me he feels about me, then he’ll be hurt. I felt filthy, so much that I couldn’t even bring myself to look in the mirror. Cris would be up in an hour, he was always an early riser, 6 AM sharp to start his morning rituals. I quickly and quietly got up; taking the sheet that was wrapped around me with me. I jumped in the shower, coming out not even 10 minutes later. I pulled my hair up in a ponytail and put on my clothes from the previous night. Walking out of the room without looking back, I headed towards the elevators. I turned on my cell phone as I entered the lobby. My phone vibrated consecutively as all the missed calls, text messages and actual phone messages started to come in. I rolled my eyes seeing Sergio’s name show up about 10 times in my list of missed calls. Addison was the one that had sent me text messages just asking if I was okay and to call her whenever I got the chance. I honestly did not feel like talking to anyone, so I didn’t bother calling. I got the receptionist to get me a car to drive me to the hotel figuring I’d speak with the girls later. I sat in the car when it finally arrived and went ahead to listen to the messages I had…all Sergio…saying the same thing. ”Karmen, cuando consigue esto, por favor me llama hermanita. Nosotros todavía tenemos que hablar del aeropuerto. Permita que sepa que está bien. Te quiero siempre.” (Karmen, when you get this, please call me baby sister. We still have to talk about the airport. Let me know you’re okay. I love you always.) I couldn’t help but to let silent tears run down my cheeks as I shut my phone and wiped the tears away vigorously as we pulled up to the hotel. I thanked the driver and paid him before getting out.

The elevator ride to the team’s floor seemed like it took years. The ding that erupted notifying me that I’d reached my destination finally rang clear. The doors opened and I walked onto the carpeted floor, feeling my stomach turn as the comfort of my heels clicking on a hard surface were no longer filling my ears. I took a deep breath before knocking on the door of the room I needed to be in. I heard shuffling before the sound of locks unlocking. Sergio swung the door open in just a pair of shorts, his hair ruffled in different directions, a confused look plastered on his face. I tried so hard not to look upset in front of him, but the frown wouldn’t leave my face, and when the tears started again I felt Sergio pull me into his arms, holding me tightly as I started sobbing into his chest. This was the same way he comforted me the night our parents died, of course nothing could compare to the loss of my parents, but having this broken heart was close enough. Sergio held me, kissing the top of my head and caressing my hair back as he whispered that everything would be okay, he would take care of everything. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to with everything I had in me. He pulled us apart and walked me inside, having me sit on his bed while he dug through his luggage. He pulled out a shirt and a pair of his training shorts. He walked over, handing them to me with a small smile. “I know you don’t want to wear that dress right now.” I slowly nodded as I took the clothes from him, looking around the room, not seeing Fernando anywhere. “He got up to go run earlier. You can change and then just you and me can talk if you want, or we can just sit together, it doesn’t matter.” He gave me a reassuring smile. I gave him a small smile back as I got up to go to the bathroom and change.

I took my heels off, placing them against the wall. I pulled my dress off, looking at myself in the mirror for the first time this morning. My makeup was running around my eyes and my hair was in a sloppy ponytail. I let my eyes wander down my body, stopping at my waist as I let my hands trace the handprint patterns that were slowly starting to bruise around my hips. Cristiano wasn’t violent; he just got a little rough sometimes and couldn’t control his grip. This wasn’t the first time, but it had been months since I last had these handprints on me. They never seemed painful until now. I quickly pulled Sergio’s shirt on, not wanting to linger over them anymore and pulled the shorts on afterwards. I opened the bathroom door to see Sergio sitting on his bed, back against the headboard. He looked over at me, patting the area to his right, wanting me to come sit down. I walked over and took the seat, getting as close to him as possible while he slung his right arm over my shoulder, holding me against his body. “Now tell your big brother what’s wrong. Tell me everything that’s bothering that pretty little head of yours.” I sighed, taking his left arm into my lap, turning it over and tracing the roman numeral seven tattoo on his forearm repeatedly, and occasionally tracing over our parents initials around the number.

“I don’t know who I love more right now.” I sighed again before continuing. “I didn’t mean to do what I did last night, but I was so confused. And when I saw Ronaldo, it was like everything was okay, and I didn’t think of Fernando once until I was standing in Cris’s hotel room, knowing that this was a bad decision.” I felt Sergio’s body tense around me once I mentioned Cristiano, but ease up again knowing that I could probably feel him because he was holding me. I looked up at Sergio who had his eyes closed, probably trying to calm his temper for my sake. “Sergio, I really missed him, but I know I can’t be with him anymore, I don’t want to be with him anymore, I really don’t, not after all he’s done. But I’m scared of not being with him and I don’t know if I can handle the fact that a part of my heart will still always love him and belong to him. I’m scared that I might not be able to move on.” Sergio let out a deep sigh and took a moment before responding as if he was choosing his words carefully, afraid that his thoughts may come out wrong.

“Karmen, you’re my little sister, you know I love you and I’d do anything for you. When it comes to your feelings, all I want is for you to be happy. You don’t know how happy I am that you’ve realized on your own that you don’t need Cristiano, even though you had to go through so much pain to come to the conclusion. That’s all a part of growing up though, learning from your mistakes. I know you don’t want to hear this, but no matter how hard you try, he will still be in your heart. You will be able to move on hermanita, with time. Everything takes time. You are one of the strongest people I know, emotionally, I know you’ll handle this well. You’ll get used to not having him around, and maybe, even having someone else around, what I said about Fernando…remember that?” I nodded my head thinking about Nando and slightly smiling, knowing I was blessed to have him around. “As for last night, cariño, just leave that to me, he shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that, Addison told me you were drinking.” I rolled my eyes, Sergio knew better than anyone that I could drink a lot and still know what was going on around me.

“Sergio.” He turned his head as if to say he wasn’t listening to me.

“Doesn’t matter, I still have a score to settle with that Porto about what he did before, and I’ll keep it on the field…I’m sure he won’t play on my side cause he’ll be scared…I may talk to Puyi…” Sergio trailed off coming up with a plan in his head. I shook my head and tossed his arm on his lap as I got up out of the bed and walked towards the bathroom to get my clothes and shoes. I walked back out, heading towards the chair that was placed by the little hallway that led to the door. As I hung by dress on the back of the chair and placed my shoes down next to it, the door to the room swung open, revealing a red-faced Nando with what looked like a paper in his hand. He looked up as I looked at him with a confused smile. He was red-faced with anger, I could tell from the frustrated look he was giving me.

“Fernando? ¿Qué es?” (What is it?) I asked to which he scoffed and threw the paper that was in his hand at me before running back out the door and out of the room. I picked up the paper, quickly glancing at it before I sighed, letting my head fall back. “¿Por qué?” (Why?) I yelled before dropping the magazine, running out the door after Nando. Just as I exited the room, I caught Sergio getting out of the bed and running towards me, wondering what was going on. “Nando! Fernando! Por favor espera, yo puedo explicar. ¡Fernando!” (Please wait, I can explain.) I ran to the elevators, watching as Fernando stepped in just as I got to them to see Fernando looking at me dead in the eyes as the doors closed in between us. I hung my head as Sergio walked up, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“He’ll come back, don’t worry, he just needs to calm down. I told you he liked you Karm.” I nodded before turning to face Sergio.

“I think I like him too…a lot actually, more than I thought I did before.” Sergio smiled at this statement, pulling me into a hug.

“Finally, a Spaniard I can trust!” I shoved him, scowling at him.

“Is that all you ever really cared about?” I questioned angrily. He dropped the smile, looking at me with a sincere expression.

“No. But you know how I feel about this topic, I’m just happy that’s all, and I can’t help showing it.” I shook my head and walked the opposite direction of his room. “Where are you going?” He yelled after me.

“Taking a walk, clear my head.” I replied without turning around.

“With no shoes?” I stopped and looked down at my feet, shrugging.

“I’ll stay in the hotel.” I didn’t have to turn around to see Sergio shaking his head, probably muttering to himself about how stupid I could be sometimes. I really didn’t care at this point, I had just made a realization about Fernando, and I needed to make sure I really felt the way I did, or if I was just guilty for hurting his feelings because of what happened last night with Cristiano. Speaking of…what was I going to do when I saw him again? I just up and left, and I still have things back at our house, so ignoring him is not an option. I had occupied myself so immensely in my thoughts that I didn’t realize where I was standing in the hotel after going down the flights of stairs until I looked up at the neon sign that flashed above my head. I had gone down the stairs and landed in front of the hotel’s restaurant. Noticing they were open as I looked inside seeing a familiar mop of blonde hair occupying one of the barstools. I took the opportunity to head on in, thinking I could explain a few things while we were both in a place that was open to the public eye. I took a seat at the bar right next to my friend, thinking it was never too early for a drink…and I could use some food...I would need something to keep myself from looking him in the eyes, I don't think I could bring myself to see his hurt expression again, not yet. He turned to me without a word. I looked down at my hands in my lap as I wrung them together vigorously before squeaking.

"Nando, I'm sorry."