A City of Fools

The screaming ended before the tears did and the rest of the day flashed before her eyes. The sirens, the screams, the phone call to her mother—she didn't remember anything. The only thing on her mind was the sight of her brother's body, pale and blood-less, blood surrounding his body. An officer had torn her away from his body, her hands and forearms covered in blood, some streaks on her face, streaks on her pants.

Somewhere along the line, her mother had packed her a bag and told her to stay with Lauren, but all of it was a blur. She woke up the next morning, eyes puffy and face red, from crying all night. Somewhere near four am, she fell into a fitful slumber, if only for a few hours. She woke up the next morning to Lauren and Jack arguing in the hallway. She had dealt with arguments that were supposed to be hidden her whole life; theirs was just one more to add to the list.

“She's not going to school today, Jack,” Lauren said, her voice soft.

“What if she wants to? You know, a distraction?” Jack asked. “Alex and I can distract her, you know?”

Lauren sighed. “Her brother is gone, Jack. She's not going to want to talk to anyone. Especially not Gaskarth—“

“So you're going by last names, too?”

“Jack,” Lauren sighed again, “she's my best friend. She's not going to want to talk anyone.”

Jack nodded. “I guess you're right.”

“I know I am.”

“But Alex really does know what she's going through,” Jack said.

Lauren scoffed. “Oh, really? How?”

Jack paused. “I...can't tell you. Best friend business.”

“Sure.”

“I wouldn't say it for fun, Lauren. Maybe you should stay here with her, too, you know? In case she wants someone to talk to,” Jack suggested.

Lauren shook her head. “No. I know Eli better than anyone and she'll want time alone.”

And Lauren was exactly right. Eli didn't want to talk to anyone.

+

The faces blurred together, one sad look after another, one apology after another, a plethora of condolences and 'our thoughts are with you' and Eli was fed up. She'd had enough. Her mother was standing next to her in a gaudy dark gray dress and white sweater, delicately dabbing at her eyes so she didn't mess up her makeup. Eli didn't care; her eyeliner was smeared and she was fairly certain her mascara was clumped on her eyelashes.

But the last thing she was worried about at her brother's funeral was her appearance.

She tugged on the bottom of her jacket, attempting to straighten it out for the fiftieth time that hour. She was upset, clearly; she was surrounded by people who never gave two shits about Gabe when he was alive and now that he was gone, they came out of the woodwork to give her their meaningless apologies. They didn't care. They just wanted to know the details. And it was none of their business.

With a sigh, she tore herself away from the line of huggers (she was never really a fan of hugs anyway—except for Gabe's but those days were over) and made her way to the back. She sat down in the last row, head down, hoping people got the message to just not talk to her. A minute passed before she felt a pair of arms wrap around her shoulders. She thought about pushing them away but didn't and looked up at her assailant, smiling when she saw it was her best friend.

“Hey, boo,” Lauren said quietly, before walking around the chair to sit down next to her best friend. She still had an arm wrapped protectively around her shoulder. “Anything I can do?”

Eli just shook her head before wrapping her arms around her best friend's waist, burying her head in her shoulder. There was nothing anyone could do; nothing was going to bring her brother back and she would never understand why he did it. So there was no point. She just wanted a minute of comfort, maybe two, before having to stand up and give a damn eulogy in front of people she didn't want to see.

“Jack, stop fidgeting,” Lauren whispered, trying to keep her voice down.

“But this tie is so awkward,” Jack protested, reaching up to loosen the fabric before sitting down next to Lauren.

“Be quiet,” Lauren said, pointing not-so-subtly to her friend.

Jack nodded sympathetically. “Do you wanna talk about it, Eli?”

Eli shook her head.

“She's not going to want to talk about it, Jack,” Lauren said. “What did I tell you?”

“That was days ago! Maybe she wants to talk about it now!”

“She doesn't.”

Eli shook her head again.

“But. I mean, does she even know why?”

“Jack!” Lauren punched his arm. “She doesn't want to talk about it!”

“But what if—“ Jack started before his girlfriend shot him a glare. “Okay, okay, she doesn't want to talk about it.”

Eli felt herself laugh lightly, something she hadn't done in days, and she lifted her head from Lauren's shoulder. She wiped at her eyes, brushing away a few stray tears. “Thank you,” she said softly.

Lauren smiled. “I'm glad his idiocy amuses you.”

“Hey!” Jack pouted. “I am not an idiot.”

“You're a lovable one,” Lauren amended, rolling her eyes.

Eli smiled softly as she looked around the room again out of curiosity. Her eyes narrowed as they landed on a figure in the back and she frowned. “What the hell is Gaskarth doing here?”

“Ugh, you girls and last names,” Jack muttered.

Lauren silenced him with an elbow to the ribs. “What is he doing here?” she asked, turning to face her boyfriend.

Jack shrugged. “You know my thoughts on the matter.”

“I don't want him here,” Eli said. “Make him leave,” she told Jack.

Jack rolled his eyes. “I'm not asking my best friend to leave a funeral.”

“Jack,” Lauren started.

“I'm not doing it. That's all there is to it, Lauren,” Jack said, his tone final.

Lauren sighed. “Do you want me to do it, Eli?”

Eli shook her head. “No. No, I can do it,” she said, standing up and straightening the back of her dress. She sucked in a deep breath before she walked to the back of the room, to where Alex was standing awkwardly against the wall, fidgeting with his own tie. She stopped in front of him, meeting his eyes before giving him a once over. Okay, so he cleaned up nicely, in black jeans, a white button up, a black tie, and a black jacket. But that wasn't the point. “What are you doing here?” Eli asked, her voice not as strong as she would've liked and definitely not as harsh.

“I wanted to pay my respects,” Alex told her, surprising her with a tone void of malice.

“Why? You hate me,” Eli said, “you've made that abundantly clear. So why are you at my brother's funeral?”

Alex sucked in a deep breath. “Because I know what you're going through.”

“You have no idea what I'm going through,” she spat. “Just. Can you go? Please? I don't want you here.”

“I do know what you're going through,” Alex repeated, softer. “But I know you're angry—I was, too.”

Eli wanted to ask him to leave again; she wanted to kick and scream until he got out of her face. The last person in the world she wanted to see had shown up to her brother's funeral, just to mock her. She was furious; but more than that, she was tired. Tired of crying, tired of being sad, tired of everything and everyone. She couldn't do it anymore. She sighed before taking a step closer to him, arms crossed over her chest, and she leaned against him, resting her head against his shoulder.

Surprised, Alex hesitated before wrapping his arms around the thin girl in front of him. “I'm sorry,” he whispered against her hair. “I know sorry doesn't help and I know sorry will never bring him back. But no one should have to go through this.”

Eli scoffed. “Like you care what I'm going through,” she muttered.

“I care,” Alex said, surprising himself. He wrapped his arms tighter around her, running a hand over her back. “You won't be mad forever, Eli. One day, you'll wake up, and you'll be okay. It won't be anytime soon but I promise, it'll happen.”

She sniffed, running a hand over her nose, as she listened to Alex. He had never been nice to her, kind, compassionate, anything; he'd never been anything but rude. She was angry, he was right; angry that Gabe was gone, angry that her mother wasn't speaking to her, and angry at all the people who played nice when things got rough—especially when they were the antithesis any other time. She pushed herself away from his chest and frowned. “So, what? You're going to be like everyone else, now? Be all sad and sympathetic because my brother died?” she snapped.

“Eli—“

“Don't do me any fucking favors, Gaskarth,” she said before turning on her heel and walking out of the room. She was thankful her brother's visitations and funeral was the only one in the building as she slipped into the next empty room. She walked over to the wall, sliding down and hugging her knees to her chest. She didn't want to be there anymore.

“Eli.”

She heard her name being called and she just shook her head, hoping she would disappear into the darkness of the room. But she didn't.

“I'm not doing you a favor,” Alex said.

Eli looked up at the change in his tone; at least something was back to normal.

“Maybe you could suck it up for one day and actually accept the fact that I was trying to be comforting,” Alex snapped.

“I never asked for your comfort, Gaskarth.”

Alex sighed. “I'm sorry that I was trying to be helpful. I know what you're going through, okay? How many times do I have to say that? I just wanted to...” he trailed off. “I don't even know.”

Eli rolled her eyes.

Alex walked over to her and sat down, less than half a foot away. He carefully reached for her chin and tilted her head up so their eyes could meet. “Do you always have to be so damn stubborn?” he asked.

“I don't want you here,” Eli whispered. “I don't want anyone here. I don't want to be here. I just want to go home, crawl into bed, and never wake up,” she said softly.

“I know,” Alex whispered, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her towards his chest. She fell between his knees, soft sobs wracking her body, and he wished he knew how to comfort her more. But he didn't. No one had been there for him after Daniel, so he didn't even know where to begin.

“I want it to go away,” she told him, pulling away to look into his eyes. And okay, fine, maybe he was adorable and maybe he knew it, but he followed her when no one else did. Didn't that count for something?

“I know,” he repeated, running a hand over her hair, pushing a strand behind her ear. “I know, Eli.”

She sighed, running her forearm over her nose. She watched him for a minute, curious when he didn't look away, and she sucked in a deep breath. “Why are you here, Alex?”

“So you recognize that I have a first name?” he asked, a smile on his face, his tone light.

Eli felt herself smile.

“See? There you go,” Alex said, thumb running over the side of her face. “Nice to smile, huh?”

She shrugged and felt herself blush before looking down at her hands, which happened to be resting on Alex's knees. She moved them quickly so they were in her own lap before looking back up at him. Without thinking, she leaned in and pressed her lips against his; she could rationalize it one of two ways: one, she was depressed and needed comfort, or two, she just wanted to know what it would feel like.

But it definitely wasn't the latter. No, not at all.

Alex kissed her back, hand slipping down to her jaw. He was a teenage boy—of course he was going to kiss her back. Eli's hand found its way to his neck, pulling him closer as she shifted on top of him. For the first time in days, she felt better, even if it was for the wrong reasons. Alex's other hand fell to her waist, bunching up part of her dress and pulling her on top of him, across his waist.

Eli shifted, causing Alex to fall back against the floor; but it didn't ruin the moment. His hand slipped further down, past her dress to rest on her thigh; a sigh slipped past her lips and Alex took that as encouragement to keep going. A strand of Eli's hair fell from the braid and brushed the side of his face. Alex smiled through the kiss before pushing it away. Eli's hand rested on his chest as his traveled further up her leg, brushing across the soft material of her underwear, barely slipping beneath it. Eli moaned into the kiss and that's when it happened.

Alex was brought back to reality and he pulled away, their lips parting, their breathing uneven and heavy. He sucked in a deep breath and just looked at her; her green eyes wide, her cheeks flushed—she looked scared. He pulled his hand out of her dress and shook his head.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “I, uh—“

“Why did you stop?” Eli asked.

Alex sighed and ran a hand over her hair again, a gesture that could only be described as affectionate. “Because this shouldn't be happening.”

“Right now or at all?” she asked, confused. She was hurt, of course she was; she had been rejected when she needed someone the most.

“Eli—“

“I don't fucking understand you, Gaskarth,” she snapped; on top of feeling rejected she was also furious...and embarrassed. Two emotions she didn't handle that well.

“I said I was sorry—I never should have let it get that far,” Alex said before standing up slowly. “I'm sorry, but you would've regretted it.”

Eli scoffed. “Don't tell me what I fucking feel, Gaskarth,” she told him, standing up and fixing her dress. “Just stay the hell away from me.” She turned on her heel and walked out of the room, fixing her hair as she did so. She stopped in the doorway of her brother's funeral and looked over the crowd, spotting Lauren. She walked over to her quickly, glad she didn't miss anything, and sat down in the uncomfortable, plastic chair.

“Are you okay?” Lauren asked, giving her a once-over.

Eli nodded. “I'm fine.”

“You sure?”

She nodded again.

“Liar,” Lauren whispered. “But I won't make you tell me...yet,” she added, sending her friend a reassuring smile to let her know she was only half-joking.

“I kissed Alex.”