When I Nearly Lost You.

“Charlotte it’s time for us to get back out there.”

We are currently at Goodwin Mall, shopping when my friend Paige turned to face me. It’s August and it’s the summer holidays. I should’ve expected this. Though the consequences of the two previous August romances were still in my head,I was somewhat reluctant to "get back out there" as Paige put it, especially the one when I was sixteen.

“Paige, what's the matter with you, you’ve got a boyfriend?” I say laughing.

“Well, you haven’t got one have you?” Paige shoots back.

“Well, I-.” I stammer, trying to come back with a witty retort..

“My point exactly. You need a guy Charlotte.”

“You’ve got to get over Alex. Enough is enough.”

I turn away and stare at the display, breathing deeply. It’s been 4 years since Alex went to university. I was fourteen when he went. Don’t look at me like that! We weren’t together then! His mum, Mrs Roberts and my mum were best friends when they were teenagers, but they ended up losing contact. When we were shopping one day, I noticed that my mum wasn’t by my side and I turned around to see two women squealing and hugging each other. After they’d both calmed down they explained that they’d been friends for years and it had been 18 years or so, since they’d both seen each other. I was about 12 at the time. My mum invited them over and that’s when I saw Alex. He was sixteen at the time but I know at the time that it was childish crush.I mean, i blushed whenever i saw any sort of guy!

But when I was sixteen he came home from his University.He was studying Politics.But he didn’t come home after his first year. Mrs Roberts said that he’s spent the first year with his friends. His parents had thrown this big welcome back party and I had been dragged there. Literally dragged. It took both of my parents to get me to go to this party. I think I was PMSing that time. It was the summer holidays and I wasn’t really pleased that I had to go to their house.

He opened the door actually. I was blown away when I saw him. He’d changed. I think he was shocked to see me. I wasn’t exactly the most skinniest person the last time he saw me, but my sudden interest in dance mats soon took care of that. In some ways it was satisfying seeing his reaction. I brushed past him and walked in smirking.

He came over and we chatted catching up. I felt really happy for some reason that he was talking to me. When it was time to go, he pecked my cheek. I remember blushing and turning around to walk out of the door. I think that was when I started really developing feelings for him. It’s silly isn’t it? He pecks me on my cheek and I start falling in love with him.

Anyway, the last two years I’d casually dated other guys. I could never give them the full me. It seemed that there was something holding me back. I discovered the real reason last week.

But last week, His mum was over at our house and I heard her talking about Alex. She was saying that fallen hard for this girl. That he thought it was love.

That just about killed me. He was in love with a girl and that girl wasn‘t me. I’d ran upstairs .I couldn’t bear hearing anymore. I’d thrown myself onto my bed and closed my eyes. I felt empty and my heart felt heavy. I’d fallen for him, damn it! I’d hit my pillow wishing that I hadn’t. How could I have fallen for him? I remember questioning myself. He was only supposed to be a crush. I called Paige and recalled the conversation that I’d overheard. She’d calmed me down. She was Edinburgh at the time and she told me that we had to set up a shopping trip for when we got back. I suppose it was time for me to move on.

“Oooh, look at him” squealed Paige.

I looked at him and felt nothing. I mean, yeah sure he was hot. I’ll agree to that, but you know I couldn’t feel that magnetic pull. That tingly feeling you get.

“Paige can we go home now?” I plead.

“Wait, I want to go to Miss Selfridges. I want this dress that I saw in their summer collection.”

“Fine but I really want to get home.”

We walk towards Outfit. I’ve got to say I’m kinda glad that Paige dragged me in here as I see all the new outfits. I start looking through the racks of clothes and find a couple of dresses that I like.
I came across a floor length gown. The short bodice sequined with silver intricket patterns. Stark and noticeable against the black silk of the dress. It reminded me of a dress I’d purchased two years ago.

My parents were having a big dinner party and I had to be there. It had been the end August and Alex was due back to go to University. I was 16 turning 17 that week. I’d been told that under no circumstances could I wear anything that was above the knee so I had to go shopping and buy something elegant. I was just coming down the stairs when my dad was admitting Alex and his family in through the door. Alex had came in first and had glanced up. The stunned gaze and the little smirk that was hovering on his lips froze as I glided down the stairs, his dark blue eyes following my every movement. My mother had commented on how it looked like Alex was a star struck boyfriend who’d came to collect his date. I blushed and told my mum off.

I walked into the living room and was immediately accosted by some friends of my parents inquiring on how my studies were going. I’d clenched my teeth and tried to politely answer their queries. I felt a hand upon my shoulder and I turned around to see Alex standing there. I excused myself and turned to face him. He motioned for me to follow him and led the way to the giant oak tree at the back of our garden, where a weathered bench was positioned. He motioned for me to sit down. And we both sat with two feet of space between us.

“So what’s up, Alex” I queried nervously.

“You look amazing and you this glazed look in your eyes so I thought I’d come over to rescue you” he replied softly.

“Oh. Well thanks” I said quietly.

We sat in a companionable silence, both of us unwilling to rejoin the party. I glanced around the garden fondly remember all the times I’d been here with Paige or when I needed somewhere to think.

Alex turned to me and said “You’ve changed, Charlotte”.

“I know I have Alex, but you’re still the same” I chuckled, not noticing him edge closer. I turned to face him looking into the soft features of his face. The high cheekbones and the long thin nose. I looked into his dark blue eyes and slowly became enthralled. I was desperate to find something that would link me to him. To the man who’s captured my heart. To the man, who’s very presence made my heart beat faster. I looked at Alex’s face again and saw it inch close, his face leaning towards mine. I leaned in and gently closed my eyes. Then his Dad called out his name and we’d both quickly jerked back. I looked at Alex who was gripping the bench and was breathing heavily.

He turned to me and his expression expressed apology. I felt him get up and stalk towards to the front of the back of the house. I curled my arms around my body and stared at the patch of grass in front of me. The events of what just happened came back to me. I tried to comprehend what just happened.

I’d closed my eye whispered “Alex.” just as a tear had dropped of my eyes.

I jumped as I felt a hand upon my shoulder. I turned around to see Paige looking at me with pity. She touched my face to wipe away the tears that had dropped unknowingly.

“Wow. You fell for him really deeply,didn’t you.”

I nod my head gently letting go of the soft fabric of the dress, the tears spilling out. Paige wrapped an arm around me and led me out of the store. We both walked towards Paige’s car that she’s borrowed from her parents. I sat in and curled up against the seat, and closed my eyes as Paige drove. I opened my eyes to see the park where we both used to play when were younger.

She got out of the car and motioned for me to follow. We both walked towards the swings and sat down lucking around the isolated park despite the warm sunshine that August was supposedly boasted to bring.

“I never realized how badly it had gotten, you know.” Paige said quietly, gently swinging backwards and forth on the swing, that she'd sat upon.

“Paige, I don’t know why, i really don't know why. I feel empty inside and I know it’s not normal. I mean, come on what’s the matter with me. ” I cry.

“I can’t go out with a guy anymore, because I just think of Alex. I think of Alex when I go to sleep. I mean, I‘m eighteen, I‘m not supposed to fall in love, I‘m going to University in two weeks. I‘m meant to have a fresh start, but this…It‘s still there.” I sob out brokenly.

Paige gets up of the swing and holds me as I cry and sob out everything. The pain that’s taken over my heart and realization that I’m never going to get over, this breaks me. My friends have always said that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I fall in love to easily. I’ve often joked and laughed with them agreeing with them.

But I never thought that by the age of 18 that I’d be in love with him. Never in my life did I think that. I’ve always thought that when I’m in my mid-twenties with a stable job and income is when I’d be falling in love.

But I didn’t want to love Alex. This all consuming emotion was destroying me. I turned to Paige.

“Can we go home? And can I borrow your make-up kit, my face is a mess.” I ask.

“Here”, she passes me a tissue. I wipe my face and I breath deeply. I get up and walk towards the car and seat myself and start reapplying my make-up. Well just my mascara and eye-liner and lip gloss. She starts the car up and drives me home. I turn to her.

“Thanks Paige, I really needed that.” I turn towards the house and walk up the drive. I unlock the door and let myself in .

“Hey mum, I’m -” I freeze as I see the scene in front of me. Alex and his parents are sitting on the sofa and chatting with my parents. I suddenly remember what his mother and my mother had been discussing last week and cringe inwards.

“Hello, Charlotte” greets Alex, his voice deep.

“Hello, Alex, Mr and Mrs Roberts.” I murmur.

They both greet me and inquire on how I’m doing. I reply back in a dream like haze, unsure for the reason that they are here. I turn towards my mother and tell her that I’m going upstairs. I enter my room in a daze. Alex.Is.Here. Is God punishing me? I lay down on my bed, frozen in shock, There’s no room for tears. I’m all cried out, to be honest. I lift myself of my bed and lightly walk down stairs heading into the kitchen and throughout the backdoor. The sunshine is still out, even at 7 o clock in the evening. I walk towards the old oak tree at the back garden and sit upon the same weathered bench where I was about to have my first kiss with Alex. I curl my arms around body and close my eyes. The warm sunshine warms my face and body. I feel drowsy.

I feel a hand upon my shoulder and jump. It’s Alex. I jerk up and straighten myself .Damn he looks good. The shirt and jeans are molded to his body. Lean and no big muscles. I look at him lifting an eyebrow.

“How have you been Charlotte?” his deep voice brings back memories.

“I’ve been fine, Alex. How about you? You’ve finally finished University. Congratulations. Are you staying here or moving?

I don’t think I can bear it if I have to come here every holiday when I’m at University, to see him cuddled up with this girl that he apparently loves. Hell I wouldn’t be able to bear it either way if he was here and that I wasn't with him

“Not just yet. I just need to get some things sorted out with a couple of people.” he replies, sitting down on the bench and relaxing.

I don’t think it’s clicked that the last time we both were here, we were about to kiss.

“Do you remember the last time we were here.” Alex asks gently moving his head so his eyes could connect with mine taking my breath away. I avert my eyes, embarrassed.

Oh. Okay, he does remember. I play with my hands, unsure of what to say.

“Yes. Yes I do, Alex.” I bravely look into his dark blue eyes.

“Well, I didn’t get a chance to finish it off .”

He leaned towards me and joined his lips with mine. I feel an explosions as I lifted my hands to touch his hands which were holding my face.

I move back and lift my stunned eyes to his, and see his soft eyes warm eyes soft with something. I look Alex. He looks at me and smiles gently.

“That was worth the wait.” he whispers as he leans his forehead with mine and breaths lightly on my face.

“It was? What do you mean, it was worth the wait?” I question. This can’t be happening. This is a dream. It’s got to be!

“Listen, Charlotte . I so badly wanted to kiss you two years ago, but you were sixteen then. I was twenty. I don’t think your mum would’ve liked it. Or your dad. Perhaps it was good that we didn’t kiss then…because I don’t think I would’ve been able to stop then.” He gently touches his lips with mine.

He moves back and looks into my eyes.

“Charlotte, I need to know this. Do you feel the same way as I feel about you.” His eyes and face look wary, as if I’m about break his dreams and destroy everything.

“You honestly have no idea, how I feel about you Alex. How I feel about has taken over everything that I’ve been doing last year. I couldn’t concentrate and I couldn’t date anyone.” I say softly, my eyes looking over ever little detail and feature of his face, savouring it.

He gently kisses me again and I fall into his warm embrace as I close my eyes basking in the warm sun.