Save Me

Normally I relish the summertime here in Florida. The glorious sunshine, the clear blue sky, the smiling faces. For some reason today, none of it is cheering me up. I just feel like this huge weight is lying on me, like something is going to happen that will shake up my already shaky world. I knew there was only one place that would make me feel any better at all, where I would be able to get the comfort I need to tear me out of this funk. So I slowly got dressed, not wanting to rush to have to put on my flawless facade like I do every single day. Everyone expect me to be Tryce Reagan, the perfect gentlemen, the guy that everybody loves and everybody is friends with. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I have, like, no enemies at all, but I don’t have any super-close best friends. I haven’t for years.

Don’t worry,
About a thing,
‘Cause ev-ry little thing,
Gonna be alright.

I smiled weakly at the song coming from my cellphone, and read the text message from my friend Javier.

'Don’t forget you’re covering my shift tomorrow. I owe you!'

Of course he owes me. But then again, I’d only be lying around the house otherwise.

'Yeah, I haven’t forgotten. Hook me up with your sister’s friend – then we’re even!'

I was only joking about that last bit, and Javier knows it. Javier is the closest guy I have to a best friend. He was an isolated kid when I met him in middle school, and we pretty much bonded over that, even though we’re both pretty popular now. We even work together as lifeguards at the local beach. But he’s nothing like what he was to me.

“Tryce?” a voice hollered.

I sighed. Wonderful, my younger sister Carlie. At least she tore me from my thoughts.

“Yeah Carls?” I called back, my tone as placid as possible.

“I need a lift to the mall, my car’s in the shop again,” she shouted.

No, not going to happen. I have places I need to be today.

“I can’t,” I shouted back.

I grabbed my cellphone, my house keys and my car keys, before leaving my bedroom, only to be met by the scowling face of my sister. Blonde wavy hair, light blue eyes and lightly tanned skin – we share that much in common. Shame there’s nothing else.

“And why not?” she sneered, folding her arms over her chest.

“I’m going to the grave,” I mumbled, averting my eyes.

Carlie’s face immediately softened and she nodded, letting her arms drop to her side.

“I’m sure I can get a lift off one of the girls,” she smiled weakly.

“Thanks,” I nodded.

There wasn’t much else I could do. Carlie understands exactly why going to the graveyard is important to me, so there’s nothing else that needs to be discussed. As little as we have in common, at least Carlie knows me well enough for this.

“Call me when you need a ride home,” I said to her, my voice soft.

Carlie nodded and squeezed my shoulder, before letting me walk past her and down the stairs. Our parents were working till late tonight, leaving our school-free days empty and unsupervised. My Junior year ended last week, and all I can say is that I’m glad I don’t have to pretend to be partly-someone I’m not in front of my peers. I haven't been the same for nearly 9 years now. But I’m getting there. Something’s still missing though. I jumped into my beat-up Impala and drove off down the road towards the side of town that barely anyone goes to.

All I could think about was his face. His wide grin, his messy hair, his loud laugh. None of which I would ever see or hear again. None of which I’ve seen or heard in 9 years. His disregard for rules, his thirst for adventure, the mischievous sparkle in his eyes. I miss him. I miss him so fucking much. And it hurts me every day.

I pulled up outside the graveyard, cutting the engine of my beloved car before getting out. I swallowed hard as I forced my feet to take the necessary steps to his graveside, my nails digging into my palms. After what seemed like forever, but was really only a couple of minutes, I reached his grave. Without warning, a sob tore up my throat and I sank to my knees, my fingers digging into the warm dirt.

“I’m sorry Jensen. I’m sorry I haven’t visited in a while,” I choked.

It took me a few seconds to calm myself down before I could sit down properly, pulling my knees up to my chest as I stared at the writing on his grave.

‘taken too soon from this earth by the sea’.

It’s true – I won’t ever forget him. It’s impossible for me to forget him. Jensen was such a critical part of my life and then he was taken from me when he shouldn’t have been. The guilt has never left me, never from the day he died. It was my fault, I should’ve been paying more attention, I should’ve been able to save him. But I didn’t. And he’s gone. He’s never coming back, and I know my family has never fully forgiven me for that, no matter how much they say they have. I know that every time they look at me, they see him and are reminded of my stupid mistake. But all I can do is make sure that no-one has the same fate as Jensen. That no-one becomes my fault.

“I love you, Jensen. I miss you so much. Nothing’s been the same since you left. I haven’t been the same. I have to put up this front, this...image to make everyone think that everything’s alright. If you were here, you’d just laugh at me and tell me to stop faking. You were the only one that ever understood me, apart from...well, you know he left us. And then you left me, and I’ve been alone since then. I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone that sees who I am inside,” I murmured.

I didn’t get a response. Hell, I’m stupid to think I’d get one. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone all the time, like there’s a hole that can’t be filled. As a single tear fell down my cheek, I closed my eyes and curled into a ball, resting my head on the ground above where his body was lying. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind, this numbness eating away at me so there’s barely anything left. If I don’t find someone to help me soon, I’m going to go mad. I need a savior.