Keeping You a Secret

The ticking of my watch seemed to fill up the car, the sound amplified in my nervous frustration. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear before picking up my keys, running my hands over them. I sort of had a habit of picking at things when I was thinking deeply, or, in this case, angry.

It wasn’t that I was mad at Garcia for walking in on Derek and me, it was that even after getting caught, Derek was still bound to want to keep things a secret. There was no telling how many more people could find out, especially with Garcia blogging about practically everything going on at the BAU headquarters. I had this terrible feeling, though, that Derek was going to want to keep things private for as long as humanly possible.

I really didn’t like being so secretive about our relationship. In all honesty I had never had a relationship to be open about, and now that I did, it hurt that my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with letting others in on our dirty little secret. I wanted to be able to walk into work holding Derek’s hand, to go out to dinner with him on our free nights, to be able to function like a normal couple should. It was hard, but I put up with all the sneaking around because I really liked Derek. I really, really liked him, but I had to draw the line somewhere, right?

I tucked my hair back behind my ear again, though by now I wasn’t even sure if it had fallen out of place or not. I opened the car door, grabbed my satchel, and headed back into the police station.

The team was once again seated in our operating room of sorts, though nothing seemed to have happened since earlier this morning. By now it was late afternoon, and the sky outside was filling with an array of colors. I sat down next to JJ, on the opposite side of the table I had been at this morning. Derek threw me a look, his eyebrows shooting up quizzically at the way I was ignoring him.

“Reid, are you all right?” Hotch asked, looking up from the case file he was reading over. I had seen him read it again and again, as if he thought he was missing something.

I nodded, clearing my throat before mumbling, “I just… uh, I just needed to leave. I was-”

“It’s fine,” Hotch said, nodding a little before returning his attention to the case file.

I sighed agitatedly, picking at the cuticles of my fingernails as my thoughts returned to the initial problem with my relationship with Derek. JJ was speaking rapidly into her cellphone, a look of terror in her cerulean eyes. She hung up, slamming her phone down onto the table so forcefully that my thoughts were torn away from Derek.

“JJ, what’s wrong?” Garcia asked, looking up from the notebook she was doodling in. She caught me glancing at her and winked at me, making me squirm rather uncomfortably in my chair.

“There’s been another murder,” JJ said, running a hand through her hair. “The body was found just off the highway, in a ditch. The right hand was cut off, but… the victim was bludgeoned to death.”

“That doesn’t fit the unsub’s M.O. A change in the way he’s killing suggests another stressor,” I explained, my eyebrows pulling together. I was actually glad to have something else to focus on, so I found myself babbling on a bit more than I should have. “Another stressor could be potentially dangerous to anyone in the area. The unsub could go from killing only people he thinks have done wrong, to killing anyone in his path. We should-”

“Spencer, we get it,” Derek said, folding his arms over his chest. This managed to infuriate me even more, and without really meaning to, I lost my temper.

“Shut up!” I exclaimed, my voice echoing around the now completely silent room. “Nobody wants your opinion; just shut up for once!”

Hotch cleared his throat, his dark eyebrows pulling together at my outburst. “Morgan, Reid, I think you two should go have a word with one another.”

“But Hotch, don’t you need me to help with profiling?” I protested, not wanting to leave the security of the room. I knew that if we left, Derek and I would only end up fighting again.

“Now, Reid,” Hotch said firmly, his dark eyes piercing me. “That’s an order.”

I stood up immediately, having hardly ever been one to argue with my superiors. I didn’t dare look at Derek as we exited the room, afraid to see what his reaction was going to be.

Derek grabbed my wrist when we walked into the hall, leading me towards the very room we had been caught in just hours before. A part of me hoped for a similar scene as before, but the other part of me knew I had to talk to him.

“C’mon, pretty boy, talk to me,” Derek urged as soon as the door was shut behind us. “Tell me what’s on your mind. I know you’re pissed at me, but I don’t know why.”

“I’m tired, Derek,” I complained, sighing as I leaned against the dusty desk in the center of the room.

“You’re tired? Let’s go tell Hotch, maybe he’ll let me drive you back to the hotel-”

“I meant metaphorically,” I interrupted, brushing a strand of hair out of my eyes. “I’m tired of us being a secret. I’m tired of sneaking around and being worried about getting caught. Hell, we were caught, but we still have to keep up this façade.”

“But baby, you know why we have to keep this a secret,” Derek said in a low voice, moving as if to put his hands on my waist. I slipped out from under him, moving instead to look out the small window the room had.

“No, Derek, I don’t know,” I told him, shaking my head angrily. “You’ve never given me a suitable reason of why we can’t be open about our relationship. And now, even if you did have a good reason, I’m not sure that it would be enough.”

“What are you getting at?” Derek demanded, leaning against the filing cabinet closest to the window.

“I wanna be open about the relationship. I wanna be able to tell people that you’re my boyfriend, Derek,” I explained, turning to look at him once more. “I wanna be able to write to my mom and tell her about how wonderful you are. If that’s not okay with you, maybe we shouldn’t date anymore.”

“Spencer-”

A knock came from the door, interrupting Derek. The doorknob turned and the door swung open, Garcia stepping cautiously inside. She had one of her eyes closed, as if she was afraid of seeing us going at it again. She sighed with relief when she saw the distance between us, announcing, “Hotch and Prentiss left to check out the body’s dump site. Hotch said I should come tell you guys to get back to the hotel and get some rest… I doubt you’ll make it there without jumping each other’s bones, but hey, whatever. Free night for you two.”

With that, Garcia disappeared the way she had came, calling out to JJ who was walking further down the hall.

I glanced at Derek, mumbling in a low voice, “I’m gonna be getting back, then. See you at the hotel.”