The More I Think, The Deeper I Sink
Chapter 4
It was a normal eighteen person van, from the outside. White, mud flaps, and it could have used a good washing. She had gone passively; no argument. There are always repercussions; every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Her actions caused the world to react.
The man and the woman who had come to escort her opened the sliding side door to the van. Inside, two of the three benches had been taken out, leaving an open space and room for a padded fiberglass wall between the back passenger area and the upper driving area. The clear wall was scarred with scratches evidently left by fingernails. Spider web cracks wound outward aimlessly, as lost as the ones who put them there.
“Why is this wall here?”
Their response was muffled from the front as the driver turned the engine. “For our safety.”
The ride was brief. The institution was only across the street.
Ocean View Psychiatric Hospital.
And there wasn’t even a puddle in sight.
They instructed her to sit in one of the waiting room chairs, so her mother could have time to arrive, that was when things would really start to roll.
Once her mother walked through the front door, an older lady with blond hair and fair skin invited them to one of the back rooms. Insurance papers, hospital rules, visitation days and times. The final goodbye until next time.
Bye Mom.
Bye Ally, be careful. Get better. I love you.
They took her, and with one last backwards glance, she was gone. Separated from the world outside because they deemed her unfit and dangerous. Reckless.
●○●○●○●○●○●
One hospital bracelet, one pair of blue socks, another mental assessment and a scar count. One room assignment, two blood pressure tests and three meals into hell. She signed her name on countless forms, acknowledging she had read and understood the rules and would abide by them. The paper outlined and specified her rights. She didn’t have to say anything to anyone, unless it had something to do with her treatment.
She had been assigned to the Beach Wing, the only section of the hospital built specifically for adolescents and children. The walls had been pleasantly painted with murals which depicted a coastline. Seagulls floated lazily in the air, watching below for any unsuspecting fish which may serve as the birds’ next meal. Clear blue skies and whimsical clouds, the sun hiding behind a collection of those acrylic-based puff-balls.
The set-up of the room was simple and efficient. In the center of the main room were two sturdy, wooden tables. Matching chairs surrounded the furniture accordingly. Off to the left side was a foosball table, and numerous shelves which supported boxes of colored pencils, crayons, and children’s books. Off to the right side was a smaller table, obviously secluded for privacy reasons between visitor and patient. A refrigerator, a sink, and a bowl of fruits watched over the quiet area dutifully, ensuring no one went hungry. Along the unused wall space hung quilts made out of pieces past patients had made. A television hid in one of the corners, a PlayStation and a Nintendo 64 sitting to the side of it. Separate rooms branched off from the main room, separated by a mere threshold. Four out of six doors lead into pastel-colored rooms, while the fifth was a doorway to the psychiatrist’s office, and the sixth lead to the schoolroom.
But supervising the entire set-up was the main desk where the Registered Nurses hid the patients’ medication, snacks, toiletries, and general needs. Behind the desk, hanging on the wall was a white marker-board, listing current patients’ names, room assignments, and good behavior stars. If a patient had five stars, that patient was allowed to walk to the cafeteria to get his own food, and was allowed to use the bathroom in peace, without supervision. He was allowed to have no-lace shoes, and was allowed to see his parents whenever they visited.
And although Ally could have closely observed the professionally-done murals and critiqued them, she chose to approach the foosball table, and figure out how to play the game. The only table-bound game she had ever learned how to play was pool.
And it was freezing cold. Something she’d have to either get use to, or learn to ignore. She chose to ignore.
Clasping the handle bars and making the blue-and-red soccer players do multiple flips, she moved the ball around, slowly getting the gist of the game.
Simple. Just like soccer, get the ball into the other person’s goal.
But she didn’t have another person.
For a while Ally played against herself, while the nurses watched her closely. She wanted to turn at them and shout at them, asking why she was so intriguing to them, and why she was so dangerous, or so they thought.
The teenager focused on the sound of the ball rolling around on the wooden table, hitting the back of the goal slots, and listening to it as it rolled down into the bottom slot. She slammed the ball, envisioning one of the nurses’ faces, but was caught off guard when the ball was blocked and sent across the table into the opposite goal.
Ally looked up, startled, and her eyes locked onto a girl older than her. She was peculiar somehow. The slouched stance, the skinny body structure but the pudgy fat around her lower belly. The skinny leans which sat too low, and the fair skin. Her brown, curly hair cut short, just above the shoulders, and black-framed glasses.
“Yeah,” the girl sounded high off weed, and her eyes looked it, too, “when they watch you like that it tends to piss people off… Wanna play?”
Ally furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, but shrugged and muttered, “Sure.”
Her actions caused the world to react.
The man and the woman who had come to escort her opened the sliding side door to the van. Inside, two of the three benches had been taken out, leaving an open space and room for a padded fiberglass wall between the back passenger area and the upper driving area. The clear wall was scarred with scratches evidently left by fingernails. Spider web cracks wound outward aimlessly, as lost as the ones who put them there.
“Why is this wall here?”
Their response was muffled from the front as the driver turned the engine. “For our safety.”
The ride was brief. The institution was only across the street.
Ocean View Psychiatric Hospital.
And there wasn’t even a puddle in sight.
They instructed her to sit in one of the waiting room chairs, so her mother could have time to arrive, that was when things would really start to roll.
Once her mother walked through the front door, an older lady with blond hair and fair skin invited them to one of the back rooms. Insurance papers, hospital rules, visitation days and times. The final goodbye until next time.
Bye Mom.
Bye Ally, be careful. Get better. I love you.
They took her, and with one last backwards glance, she was gone. Separated from the world outside because they deemed her unfit and dangerous. Reckless.
●○●○●○●○●○●
One hospital bracelet, one pair of blue socks, another mental assessment and a scar count. One room assignment, two blood pressure tests and three meals into hell. She signed her name on countless forms, acknowledging she had read and understood the rules and would abide by them. The paper outlined and specified her rights. She didn’t have to say anything to anyone, unless it had something to do with her treatment.
She had been assigned to the Beach Wing, the only section of the hospital built specifically for adolescents and children. The walls had been pleasantly painted with murals which depicted a coastline. Seagulls floated lazily in the air, watching below for any unsuspecting fish which may serve as the birds’ next meal. Clear blue skies and whimsical clouds, the sun hiding behind a collection of those acrylic-based puff-balls.
The set-up of the room was simple and efficient. In the center of the main room were two sturdy, wooden tables. Matching chairs surrounded the furniture accordingly. Off to the left side was a foosball table, and numerous shelves which supported boxes of colored pencils, crayons, and children’s books. Off to the right side was a smaller table, obviously secluded for privacy reasons between visitor and patient. A refrigerator, a sink, and a bowl of fruits watched over the quiet area dutifully, ensuring no one went hungry. Along the unused wall space hung quilts made out of pieces past patients had made. A television hid in one of the corners, a PlayStation and a Nintendo 64 sitting to the side of it. Separate rooms branched off from the main room, separated by a mere threshold. Four out of six doors lead into pastel-colored rooms, while the fifth was a doorway to the psychiatrist’s office, and the sixth lead to the schoolroom.
But supervising the entire set-up was the main desk where the Registered Nurses hid the patients’ medication, snacks, toiletries, and general needs. Behind the desk, hanging on the wall was a white marker-board, listing current patients’ names, room assignments, and good behavior stars. If a patient had five stars, that patient was allowed to walk to the cafeteria to get his own food, and was allowed to use the bathroom in peace, without supervision. He was allowed to have no-lace shoes, and was allowed to see his parents whenever they visited.
And although Ally could have closely observed the professionally-done murals and critiqued them, she chose to approach the foosball table, and figure out how to play the game. The only table-bound game she had ever learned how to play was pool.
And it was freezing cold. Something she’d have to either get use to, or learn to ignore. She chose to ignore.
Clasping the handle bars and making the blue-and-red soccer players do multiple flips, she moved the ball around, slowly getting the gist of the game.
Simple. Just like soccer, get the ball into the other person’s goal.
But she didn’t have another person.
For a while Ally played against herself, while the nurses watched her closely. She wanted to turn at them and shout at them, asking why she was so intriguing to them, and why she was so dangerous, or so they thought.
The teenager focused on the sound of the ball rolling around on the wooden table, hitting the back of the goal slots, and listening to it as it rolled down into the bottom slot. She slammed the ball, envisioning one of the nurses’ faces, but was caught off guard when the ball was blocked and sent across the table into the opposite goal.
Ally looked up, startled, and her eyes locked onto a girl older than her. She was peculiar somehow. The slouched stance, the skinny body structure but the pudgy fat around her lower belly. The skinny leans which sat too low, and the fair skin. Her brown, curly hair cut short, just above the shoulders, and black-framed glasses.
“Yeah,” the girl sounded high off weed, and her eyes looked it, too, “when they watch you like that it tends to piss people off… Wanna play?”
Ally furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, but shrugged and muttered, “Sure.”