I'm a Walking Travesty

A week after I checked out of the hospital, I found myself sitting on the sand in the beach watching the waves crash on the shore. It all felt so serene and calm but I was far from feeling like that. This past week, I found myself feeling really down about everything. I kept thinking about Eric and what I did to try and join him. I still didn’t think it was stupid to try it again but I knew that if I did try it again and things don’t go my way again, Zack would end up hating me forever. He’d probably kick me out too and then I’d have nowhere else to go. If I end up going back home, my mother surely wouldn’t hesitate to put me in an asylum. But maybe that’s where I belong. Somewhere locked up and never having to face anyone else who would give a fuck about me. Well there would probably nurses and doctors but that’s not the kind of care I meant.

I don’t even know why I can’t just move on and see past all the negative occurrences in my life. I mean don’t we develop from them? I thought the bad things in life would teach me lessons that I was too blind to see but I don’t see anything different.

Zack told me that his friends bailed on him on the last minute because they had something to do. He didn’t really elaborate since he had other things to do as well. So aside from being down this past week, I’ve felt even more alone.

Ryan was still neglecting me and I wouldn’t really blame him. I mean I blew him off and it hit him hard in the head (Ha-ha that sounded ironic). I just didn’t think it would take this long for him to get over it. Maybe what Peter said was true. Maybe I was special. But I can’t really think about that right now since thinking about it would make me feel even guiltier about what I did and that was the last thing I wanted to do right now.

I was just about to get up and head back to the house when I saw this familiar figure staring back at me. At first I thought it was nothing but it was slowly starting towards me. For some reason, I was nervous. The other half of me was dead scared though. My head screamed ‘RUN!’ but I didn’t feel like listening to it.

The closer it came the more visible his face became. The bone structure, the way his hair was styled – it couldn’t be. I mean he’s long gone. I started to back away as soon as my senses kicked in but the sand was starting to trap me from underneath. I looked down just to see that I was standing in a trap – quicksand was eating me up. I tried to scream but my voice wasn’t coming out. My heart was hammering so hard that I thought it would pop right out of my chest.

The boy came closer and closer but when he was right in front of me, he was merely a shadowy figure. My heart started to calm down. Eric’s face was filled with so much softness that I thought that he was coming in to save me but instead his smile turned from being sweet to mischievous.

“I thought you said you loved me,” he started to say.

“I do.” I found my voice and was fighting to stay still but my brain kept my body moving. “You were the one who left me.”

I didn’t mean to sound bitter but it couldn’t be helped. He told me he’d live forever for me. I knew I shouldn’t have believed him when he said knowing about his condition and all but love can make you do stupid things.

“If you loved me, you would’ve come after me,” he said watching me as if I was the most dreadful person in this earth.

“Baby, I tried but someone stopped me,” I said realizing that I did have something to live for; that other people really did care.

“So? Was that supposed to be an excuse?” he said through gritted teeth.

For some unwanted reason, I spark of hate ignited in me. Does he seriously expect me to sacrifice my life for him, because that would be overrated and absurd. He wasn’t like this while he was alive. Did he maybe take a trip to hell and acquired all the influences Satan and his demons claimed to have?

I slowly realized that my shock stopped me from moving and I was stuck in place. I wasn’t getting sucked down anymore. He was waiting for me to respond to him but I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to get hurt so I thought about what I had to say.

“I thought I loved you Eric and at the time it was true but I can’t say that you were perfect-”

“You think you didn’t have flaws?” he smirked as he cut me off mid-explanation. “We all have flaws Mia and sadly your very being is one big, fat one.”

“You don’t mean that,” I started to tear up and he started to laugh.

“You really think I loved you? If you’d given yourself up to me instead of saying things like wanting to wait, I would’ve left you a long time ago. But since you really didn’t give in to me, I had to tail you until you did. Even with my condition, you didn’t make an exception. You know how hard I tried to get you to sleep with me? You rejected me multiple times and each time, I took the blow because I knew you’d be worth it but now, I regret doing so because you’re hardly worth anything at all,” he laughed. It was the same kind of laugh when he pressured me to do all those things that I really didn’t want to do.

He started to come nearer and he stretched out his hand. I was about to grab it when all of a sudden he started to push me down the quicksand which made me fidget and that wasn’t good in my position. I was slowly starting to sink in while he laughed like my suffering was the funniest thing he’s ever seen. I tried to stay alive by screaming or pinching myself but I didn’t hear or feel anything. It was as if my senses were numbing. But as soon as I thought I was a goner, I heard someone shouting my name. I wanted to swim up to see who that person was but I couldn’t move.

All of a sudden it started to rain and I was starting to black out. I thought that maybe this was it but when I blinked one last time, I jolted back to life – to reality this time.

Zack sighed in relief as soon as he saw my eyes twitch.

“You scared the shit out of me,” he said holding me close.

Apparently, we were in the shower. He always told me that water woke people up from bad dreams and ever since we were little, we would wake each other up by pouring a glass of water over each other’s head if we really didn’t want to get up. I guess a glass wasn’t enough for me to regain consciousness.

I started to remember everything that happened in the dream and started to tear up. I don’t think it was clear though since the shower was on. But he knew me too well. As soon as he looked in my eyes, he wiped the tears – and water from the shower – away.

“What happened?” he asked as soon as we were both dry and safe in my room.

“Eric,” was the only thing I had to say.

He sighed and sat right next to me and placed a hand on the small of my back. I checked the clock to see that it was four in the morning. My head ached but I wasn’t in the mood to sleep.

“You should really go back to sleep,” I suggested but he only smirked and made me lie on my own bed.

“And leave you alone after what happened? I’d rather keep watch,” he said.

“What happened anyway?” I asked curiously.

“Well, for one you were screaming and shouting and talking in murmurs. I waited for you to wake up but then you started to go all wild and then that’s when I tried to jump in and wake you up only your eyes wouldn’t happen and you were pushing me away. So I poured a glass of water on you but that only made things worse. I ended up bringing you to the bathroom where you woke up eventually.” What an adventure.

“Are you serious?” I asked embarrassed.

“Yeah, I was scared you were never gonna wake up after you stopped moving in the shower but you still had a pulse so I had hope,” he said grabbing my hand and grasping it tightly.

“Thanks then, I guess,”

“You still have to tell me what happened though,” he said lying next to me.

I started to tear up again hoping that I wouldn’t have to explain since it was pretty painful even if it wasn’t real. I thought I’d lose all the memories but they kept flooding back inside my head.

“He told me so many things that I thought he’d never be able to say to me,” I started.

He listened intently to what I said and the whole time, he watched me closely as if in any second, I was going to run away or explode. After I spoke, he crashed into him and cried. I didn’t know why I did but I just couldn’t take it all in.

“He’s not coming back, Mia,” Zack said after silence filled the air. “He’ll never hurt you again,”

“You don’t know that,” I told him. I pulled away to see his reaction but when I did, he crashed his lips into mine and kissed me.

“I do know that because I’ll be here to protect you and all that you’ll be dreaming about is this kiss and how we’ll spend our time with each other,”

I looked at him and without knowing it, a smile crept on my face as I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back.