Caged Mentality

POV: Riel Carlin

“Riel, are you okay?” Eli asked holding my face in his hands. We were sitting on the bed still. I had expected he'd be asleep. Most of today. We did go to bed rather late. I felt like we were kids again. I felt a bit happier at the thought.

I missed Kris though. I couldn't do anything besides sit here and miss him. Of course, I could date him... but I'm still not a good enough person for him. As soon as I had gotten off the phone with him I had ran into the bathroom to slit myself a few more times. I kept replaying the conversation in my head over and over.

I shook my head, “yeah, I'm fine.”

His eyes softened pressing his forehead against mine. “Please tell me whats wrong. You know I end up unhappy when you are like this.”

I pushed him away then standing up. “Yeah, unless you're the cause of it Eli.”

He gawked at me obviously hurt. I felt bad. I was in a horrible mood and taking it out on him. It wasn't fair to him probably. But I was still so hurt by everyone acting like they were my best friends and a great family when they had treated me like an accident. Like I wasn't anything to them. I was in their way. A fuck up.

“Look, I've gotten better. Just give me a chance. I was always the best brother to you Riel. Why act like this now? Just because I fucked up every time I saw you after you left. I was angry with you!”

“Because I was gay.” I commented angrily. He wasn't happy when I left, I knew that. But everyone else was complaining about my being gay, so why wasn't he the same? I guess I should have known better. He was my other half. He couldn't hate me.

“No, because you just left me and acted like you couldn't tell me anything. I was hurt you dumb bastard. Stop acting like its all you.”

There was nothing else I could do besides gawk at him. I felt utterly stupid and selfish. I guess with my mother and him it was selfish. As far as my father went though I couldn't have cared less. I climbed back onto the bed and wrapped my arms around him. There was a need to comfort him now. I just wanted him to feel better. I completely forgot my arms were bleeding.

“So what's wrong Riel? You were cutting in the bathroom this morning...and right before you came back on this bed.” Of course he'd notice... he always noticed the smallest change in my mood. Or if something was out of place in my mind. It was comforting yet annoying. It meant I couldn't hide things. From him at least.

My eyes closed wishing he hadn't noticed. “Sorry...” I felt so much worse than I had already. I hurt my brother. Another reason I couldn't trust myself with Kris. If I treated my brother this way, how would I be with Kris?

“Stop saying sorry, just tell me whats wrong.”

I stared at him a moment trying to decide if it was really something I wanted to tell him. But I hadn't been able to talk to anyone about it. “You sure it doesn't bother you that I'm gay?” I asked just to be sure. I didn't want to gross him out.

“It doesn't. You're still my brother. Though I can't say I believe you're gay exactly...but I'll go with it.” he smiled hugging me then pulled away. “So tell me what's wrong.”

“Why should I if you won't even believe what I tell you? Is it that bad? You hate the thought of me being gay? Or you think it will make it so you're gay?” I demanded wishing I could tell him but didn't want to if he wasn't gonna believe what I told him.

His eyes shifted to an apologetic look. “Riel, just tell me whats wrong, okay? I'll believe you're gay. Alright? You're gay. Now what is wrong?”

I sighed heavily not wanting to really go into it. But I had to tell someone. “Well I met this kid, Kris, he was my patient. About nineteen. I'm not supposed to fall for em...but I don't know...something drew me to him. He liked me as Riel more than Dr. Carlin and stuff. But one session it pissed him off and he kissed me. Than he refused to ever see me again cause I wouldn't date him. I'm not good enough for him, but he just called me and I feel so much worse... I just want him...” I choked out tears falling down my face I missed him. I needed to hold him. But I couldn't. I wasn't good enough.

I had expected him to be grossed out or something but he just held me caressing my back.

“you need to stop acting like you can't come to me for things. I'm not dad. I won't yell at you for doing stupid things.” he laughed a bit pulling me off the bed. “Come on, you need to clean up those arms.” he smiled sweetly. “You should just drop your job and be with the kid if its your job that's the problem. But even if we aren't dating types...you know you need to stop that mindset eventually. We need to date someday. Mom would be happier. Hell, maybe I could start dating if you did. We tend to do the same things.”

I let go of him pulling off my shirt. “I probably ruined your shirt...”

The both of us burst out laughing.

“Yeah, I'm really worried about that.” he rolled his eyes letting the words come out with a thick layer of sarcasm.

I shook my head washing off the blood in the shower. I got out wrapping a towel around me then seeing Eli going through the cupboard. Eli grabbed some bandages wrapping them around my arms. I didn't know what I'd do...Mom was going to notice my arms were like this. The last time she did she freaked out at Eli and me. Mostly because we knew each other cut and didn't tell anyone. We felt so horrible for it. She basically ranted on about how horrible of a mother she was.

“Yeah...I've got an idea. We can just make this look like its part of your outfit. Come on, I dress like this on stage all the time. Well used to.” he grinned. Of course...me and him always thought the same. “I don't wanna relive that month...”

He hurried over to his bag then also looking through our closet. I'd guess it was something he had on stage when he lived here.

I left much sooner then he had. Mostly because I went to college. At seventeen I graduated. He did a year later. Me and him did do a lot of the same things, but when he started to go down the path of drugs and such we drifted apart, until I caught up to it. Even though I spent most of my life in the library, around sixteen I picked up guitar, played a bit with my brothers band. Thats when I caught up to him, but I wouldn't have Greg if none of that happened. My life like that stayed through college, but I still wanted to help people. I wanted to be a better person. So Eli went off with his band at eighteen and I was off in college at seventeen.

“Here!” Eli pulled a shirt over my head that was a tank with a hoddie. Then shoved a pair of pants at me and shoes. “Mom won't ever know the difference. Too bad we're gonna have to sneak out and wash the outfits later tonight so she doesn't smell any weed.... such a pain in the ass...”

I couldn't help but laugh. Hiding the smell from her was always a fuckin pain in the ass. I put the jeans on and shoes. It wasn't exactly something I'd normally wear. It was like a bridge between Riel and Dr. Carlin.

“This is so from when we were kids...” I chuckled. “Don't even make me have to wear something stupid like this by myself.”

“It's not stupid...but fine...” Eli changed into an outfit almost identical to mine. After going through the closet he picked up a guitar. “Hey! I remember this stupid piece of shit. You should totally play with me!”

I gawked at him. I haven't touched a guitar in like seven years. Why would I start all of a sudden now? I shook my head. He pulled out an amp. He was so easily distracted. I crossed my arms.

Guitar was a lot of fun when we were younger but I went to go to college and he just messed around with his buddies all the time playing to get nowhere. Not that they were a horrible band but it wasn't worth my time. So I stopped playing. I wanted to be a better person and help, not rock out and get high every day.

I sat on the bed watching him plug in the amp and then into the guitar. This was pointless. Maybe I could pretend I didn't know how to do anything... or my fingers would forget it anyway.

“Riel come on! You haven't played with me in such a long time.”

“I never played by myself. You know that.” I retorted. I didn't wanna play. It reminded me of when I was miserable. When I used to get high everyday and drunk. It was a wasted life.

“Fine! I'll get mine.” he rushed out of the room as fast as possible.

I didn't wanna play. Guitar wasn't for me anymore, well that's what I thought anyhow. I turned on the amp tuning it. It was so fucked up. Not even an electric tuner would be able to recognize the strings. It only took me a few minutes to make it sound normal again.

He grinned entering the room with his and an amp. “You remember. It's part of you.”

“I'm not a guitarist, I'm a therapist. I'll play one song and then I am done.” It was making me somewhat sad just looking at mine. I didn't want to do this... not till I started playing anyway.

I had no idea what the fuck we were playing but it was some hard ass shit. I simply followed him. My part was entirely made up of whatever five cords sounded good. And a few simple notes.

“I'm glad you two are still getting along. Aw you're so adorable! Wearing similar outfits.” Mom smiled pulling us both into a hug. I dropped the guitar on the bed wrapping an arm around her. “Lunch will be done shortly. It's kinda late, but you two slept in so late.” She kissed our cheeks then walked out of the room.

“A therapist my ass Riel. You totally amp up my playing. You shoulda stayed with us.” he grinned pulling me into a hug. I shoved him away from me.

“No I shouldn't have. I want to help people. Not get drowned in music.”

“It's a part of us though.” he whined almost jumping up and down.

“How is your band doing anyway then? It's not me. It's just you. I told you that when I left for college.”

“You were running away from things I think. And for your information,” he paused crossing his arms trying to look insulted, “our debut album is coming out a week from now. So fuck you.”

“Oh god...” I complained sitting on the bed, “look I'm not gonna play anymore, and this sucks ass. You know, I look exactly like you!” I sat down sighing. I didn't want to have to run from a bunch of fans who thought I was him and I wasn't.

“Yeah, you'll live. Or you could just come back. Come on, we'd kick ass with you! We miss you.”

“Just back off.” I retorted standing now and walking downstairs. He followed behind like a puppy. It would take a while for him to back off I'd guess. My brother did have some annoying qualities.

“Sit down you two and shut up Eli.” our father ordered. He was always such a fuckin ass.

We both glared at him before replying, “make us.” we challenged him knowing he couldn't do much. We weren't five.

“Just sit down. I can make you both go up to your room.” he replied.

“Yeah, and we can also jump in a car and drive away.” we laughed wrapping an arm around the other before sitting down.

His glare didn't change, “you two need to stop acting so close. You're men, not girls.”

Eli and I just ignored him not wanting to do anything more to argue with mom coming in the room. I ate up my food then following Eli out to his car. We both got in as he turned on a cd of some artist I didn't recognize.

“Lets go down to the woods. That was always our spot. I called up some people. We'll have a party. I told mom we'd be back by morning.”

“She didn't ask what we were doing? Come on she isn't stupid.”

“We're grown men! Stop listening to what mommy and daddy have to say. You usually are just fine with throwing their rules out the window. Why are you having a problem now of all times?”

“well cause I feel kind of selfish for acting how I do. It's not like we're taking any one else's feelings into account here. Just ours.”

He laughed pulling into the area we had always parked in when we were teens. “Fuck Riel, ditch the conscious tonight at least. Hey, Tadyn, Wade!” he laughed pulling each one into a hug.

“Riel, bought time. What's up with you ya little fucker. Ditched us for some damn pansy job.” Tadyn mumbled, I knew he was joking around so I took no offense.

“Just out for old times sake is all. I'm not back for good.” I glared at Eli knowing he wished I was. “I hear you're doing pretty well together.”

“Hell yes.” Wade commented. “Kairo isn't here, but we got everyone else.”

Of course...anytime I was around he wasn't. I felt my self-hate grow inside but shrugged it off. Just for tonight I'd try and be happy. I couldn't very well get high or drunk anyhow in a mood like that. I'd feel like total shit.

I grinned, I'd go back to the office the day after tomorrow. I wanted to have the best time I could. I needed to have a good time for once. I didn't care how I felt the next morning. As soon as we were sitting around the fire I started smoking some of the weed Eli and I had found in my dresser. I just let my issues fade away letting a new world take over. It felt good for once.