Sensations

I gnawed on my lip endlessly, despite the fact that the metallic taste of blood slowly started to invade my mouth. My nerves were getting the better of me. Dayne and I have only had one date and I’m already asking him to meet my sister. What if it’s too soon? What if it doesn’t go well? What if she ends up despising him and she forbids me from seeing him? These wonderfully unknown but exhilarating feelings that he causes to race through my veins, bombarding me with shivers, will all be gone. I don’t want that, not at all.

My legs crossed themselves into what my sister used to refer to as a ‘pretzel position.’ I suppose I can tell where she gets the idea from. Simply by holding a pretzel, they do twist and turn like my legs are currently. I jumped slightly as a bit of grass rubbed along my ankle, right above my sock since my jean leg had ridden up a tiny bit. I quickly relaxed myself, putting a hand on my ankle to rub that creepy-crawly feeling away before resting them both at my sides, digging into the grass and picking up handfuls of it. It was a form of distraction, I suppose, since I was stupid enough to decide to wait for Dayne on my front lawn so we can have a few seconds of alone time before he met my sister, but every time I hear an approaching car’s engine roaring or the soft click of a bicycles wheel turning, I tense up. What if he doesn’t show up?

I counted to ten in my head slowly, counting backwards soon afterwards as I took slow and steady breaths, calming myself down since I was on the verge of hyperventilation. Dayne hasn’t let me down before, so he won’t do it now. Yes, that’s right, Dayne wouldn’t let me down.

Almost as if on cue, my hands went back to pulling up wads of grass at my side as I heard a car engine approach, my heartbeat immediately picking up as I heard it turn into my driveway, the engine cutting off somewhere off to my left before the car door opened and closed and Dayne’s familiar rumbling chuckle broke through the quiet air.

“You’re covered in grass,” he said around a laugh as he came to sit beside me, his hand resting on one of my knees and squeezing gently.

“I didn’t know,” I said awkwardly, silently scolding myself for not realizing that I was dumping the wads of grass into my own lap. It would have been better deposited absolutely anywhere else because this is simply embarrassing.

But I quickly threw all of those worries away as I leaned towards Dayne, doing my best to follow his voice from what he said before and just as I thought I was triumphant with my quest, I sighed, realizing that my nose was instead firmly pressed in his hair, my lips against his forehead. I could feeling his head shift upwards slightly as I kissed his forehead gently, his skin feeling as if it singed my lips, almost bruising them, so I pulled away, instead running my nose down his until I was bombarded with the familiar scent of peppermint gum—Dayne’s favorite. And carefully, almost hesitantly, I leaned forward to connect our lips, igniting that familiar wave of warmth that travelled throughout my body, blooming from our connected lips, whenever Dayne kissed me. Or in this case, I guess, when I kiss him. And as he gently lay me down on the grass, cornering me so that everywhere I turned, all I smelt, all I felt was Dayne Greenly, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of safety.

“Come on,” I said, pushing him away as I sat up. “Kat’s probably getting restless.”

“What if she doesn’t like me?” He asked me nervously as he entwined our hands, pulling me up and leading me to our front door.

“She’ll love you,” I assured him, already knowing that she loves him because of how he makes me feel. I talked to her and I decided tonight’s going to special. I’m going to be completely honest with Dayne if tonight goes well. It’s either going to work out, or it won’t, but if it does, then I know that things between us will be absolutely perfect.

Dayne opened the front door for me, putting his hand on my waist as he helped me over the familiar threshold, claiming my hand as I bent over to remove my shoes and using my shoulder as support when he took his own off.

“Your house is so cute,” he blurted out really quickly, taking my hand and dragging me in the direction that I knew the living room would be.

“It’s home,” I said simply, summing up my agreement with those two words.

I heard a soft knock echo in the entryway and it was my turn to drag Dayne with me as I turn around. “Dayne Greenly,” I said, holding me head up as best as I could, “I want you to meet my older sister, Kat.”

And I was immediately put at ease as I heard Kat’s voice float towards my ears, greeting the guy who I’ve developed such strong feelings for in such a short period of time. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Joshua has told me so much about you.”

“I can say the same for you,” Dayne responded politely before tugging me along once more. I assumed he was following Kat into the kitchen.

“Do you have any food allergies?” She asked politely.

“None at all,” Dayne said, “I’ll eat almost anything.”

“Well, good. The menu consists of pasta carbonara with salad and fried zucchini,” Kat explained, my mouth watering at the mere thought. Mom was a pasta fiend, Dad being the more health conscious one that insisted we have a salad at almost every meal and he loved his vegetables. He was constantly looking for new ways to eat them. If it was healthy and you could fry it without making it inedible, he would do it. He even made us try fried pickles with a horseradish type sauce when I was younger and I’m not going to lie, it was pretty delicious.

The clear sound of a chair being scraped across the tile of the kitchen floor echoed around the room before Dayne’s hands were on my hips again, guiding me to my seat before taking the one to the left of me since Kat always sits on my right. “This looks absolutely delicious,” Dayne commented.

“Smells good too,” I threw in, searching for my fork and digging in the second I found it, conscious of the way Dayne was observing me ready to help and Kat was observing him and how he acted.

“I’m glad,” Kat said quietly. “Now dig in before it gets cold. You know dinner conversations are the best conversations of all.”

**********

As Kat put away the dishes, I led Dayne up to my room, taking all twelve stairs one at a time, his heavy footsteps calming me as they echoed behind me. I paused at the top of the stairs, turning left and counting ten footsteps before I was at my bedroom door, left slightly ajar as always. I lifted up the toe of my sock-clad foot, nudging it open gently and holding it out for Dayne, following only after I felt a small breeze toss my hair as he passed. Soon after, I stepped inside hesitantly, pulling the door closed behind me softly as I began taking the familiar route to my bed, laughing as I crashed into a tall form that isn’t normally there.

I wrapped my arms around Dayne’s waist, joining my fingers in front of his belly button as my head nuzzled in between his shoulder blades, inhaling that simple scent that is Dayne Greenly that only Dayne Greenly can pull off. My face warmed against his soft skin as he laughed.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, resting his calloused hands on top of mine, the perfect combination of soft and hard, as he began to shuffle towards my bed, dragging me along with him gently before falling face first on it unexpectedly, rolling us over so that I was spread out on top of him comfortably, his head facing the ceiling as a soft laugh broke through my lips. “I like your room. It’s simple and complicated, just like you.”

I scoffed, rolling off of him in the direction I knew that my wall would be, but his hands easily overpowered me and wound themselves around my waist, laying me flat on my back as his weight nestled itself onto my hips. “I meant that in a good way,” he assured me. “Simple yet complicated is fascinating.”

Dayne finds me fascinating.

I rolled my eyes, somehow managing to keep the lid of the jar that was ready to explode with my blush firmly sealed. “Whatever.”

Dayne’s body shook with a hidden laugh, shaking mine as well as he carefully lined his body up with my own. Every inch of our bodies were pressed against each other, bringing an exhilarating pressure down on me as his lips found mine gently, a soft smile disappearing as my own came to life under his.

And as we picked up where we left off, I was struck with how easy this was for me now. Having Dayne there, leading me along, tasting my lips as I tasted his without hesitation. It’s all so surreal, to think that something like this is just okay, that it’s not just a secret craving that will never be satisfied. It’s all becoming routine. That thought forced a shiver of anxiety missed with nervousness down my spine since the prospect of what the future holds is also exciting and exhilarating.

Those soft feelings of contentment and relaxation crept through me, beginning where Dayne’s fingers carefully traced my collarbones and they began slowly spreading through my veins quicker than a wildfire, just like before. The feelings of comfort and peace when in someone’s arms that coursed through you when you relinquish all control can only be described as soft and trusting. And the current desire to make the man who always seems to mellow me out feel at peace is what caused me to carefully push against his chest, flipping us over.

Shock coursed through me as Dayne’s very audible intake of breath echoed in my ears, seeming to bounce off the inner confines of my skull just as his hips shifted beneath me in what can only be described as a sultry manner. The lid on the jar that contained my blush finally exploded as my hands bunched up on the edges of Dayne’s t-shirt, not knowing exactly what to do since I was too busy overcomplicating Dayne’s every movement, as usual. I tried to calm down, breathing in and out, but panic slowly rose up within me because that simple hip movement stunned me with yearning and desire.

But all thoughts of worry were quickly wiped away when those familiar, large, calloused hands wrapped around my neck, his fingertips tangling in the loose tendrils of my hair at the back of my neck as his thumbs seemed to massage the edge of my throat gently. And without allowing myself to overthink things like always, I allowed Dayne to gently pull my head down until I felt his nose against my own, his grip loosening as he massaged my neck gently and relinquished control to me once more. A shaky laugh escaped my lips as I hovered for a moment, struck by how eager Dayne was to just let me take his place for once and how simple he made it all seem to me.

As our lips touched, I forced my mind to halt all thought processes, just letting everything be natural because, as Dayne has politely pointed out several times before, I think too much and it gets me into trouble. But I must have been doing something right because Dayne’s kisses seemed more urgent as they moved with mine, his hands tangling more firmly in my hair as mine flitted across his collarbones hesitantly, not wanting to overstep my boundaries, but craving to see a new part of him.

My breathing was becoming labored so I jerkily moved away, still getting used to all this since Dayne and I never really shared kisses like this before, but he quickly pulled me back in, unwilling to stop. My head started to spin for reasons unknown to me as Dayne caught my bottom lip between his teeth, tugging on it gently as if to pull me back in as I pulled away again. My tongue darted out to lick my lips, tasting soft traces of Dayne’s peppermint gum still.

I felt Dayne’s strong body shift underneath me again before his hard chest was pressed against mine, his hands never leaving my neck. Soft shivers racked my frame as Dayne spoke, a hint of suggestion in his new, almost husky tone. “You like that?”

I nodded quickly, my hands caressing his jaw as he kissed me once more, tugging on my lip again, making me giggle slightly. “Yeah, you like that,” he decided, leaning his head against mine.

A sigh passed my lips as I leaned into him, my head nestling itself in the crook of his neck as I essentially sat in his lap, biting his bare shoulder childishly to get him to stop laughing. “You like biting,” he said a bit more triumphantly, his hands gently making their way down my back, pausing at my hips as if to silently ask me permission. I nestled my head further into his throat wordlessly, sighing as one of his hands cradled the bottom of my thigh and the other slipped itself into my back pocket possessively. “You’re territorial,” I countered, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“You love it,” he insisted, his voice losing that husky tone that temporarily made my head spin.

I remained quiet, choosing to admire the fact that Dayne is possibly the only person who can read me almost as well as Kat, but in a romantic matter. I cuddled into Dayne, loving the way his body emanated warmth, feeling perfectly content until Dayne asked a question that I couldn’t really answer.

“What brought all this on?” He finally blurted, leaning up disentangle me from his body so that he could lean his forehead against mine.

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully, hesitantly disengaging myself from the amazing boy that I was sitting on and crawling across my bed so that I was leaning comfortably against my bedroom wall, my legs curled up against my chest as my hands wrapped around them.

“There’s obviously something on your mind if you’re suddenly distant after… after that,” he stressed.

“That,” I blurted, “was not a big deal.”

“It was to you,” he countered simply, as I felt the bed shift and something press against my foot. I lifted one of my hands up, feeling it before I laughed, clutching Dayne’s foot like a child while I laid my head on my knees.

“It’s just new to me,” I explained to him. “It’s all so overwhelming.”

“You know,” he finally rambled, “you keep saying that things are overwhelming and stuff and I don’t know how to stop that. I mean, I know that since you lack one sense, the others are super heightened,” he rambled on, curling his foot in my hands as he lay across my bed. “And I don’t mean to offend you, but you have to work with me a little bit because I don’t know if overwhelming is good or bad since everything just… stops.”

I paused, tossing his explanation over in my head, analyzing it before I speak. “I’m not offended,” I promised him, knowing that there was no reason for me to feel the least bit offended. “I just… overwhelming is nerve-racking because it feels good, but it’s just… overwhelming,” I grumbled, not thinking of another word.

A deep chuckle escaped his lips and a sudden annoyance flared up in me. “I’m trying to figure out how to explain this, Dayne. I’ve never had to do this before.”

“I understand,” he said quietly, “you’re just cute when you get frustrated.”

For what seems like the millionth time tonight, my cheeks were enveloped with that familiar red blanket that only Dayne seems to know how to put there and I felt the bed shift some more before Dayne’s body was pressed against the right side of my body.

“Talk to me,” he pleaded quietly, “I want to help. You know you can trust me.”

“I know I can it’s just so weird,” I finally said. “You just care about my well-being so much and you’re constantly trying to protect me and make me feel safe and I can’t do that for you.”

“Joshua,” he pleaded, nuzzling his head against my shoulder. “If you like someone, that’s just how you act. You don’t think about it, it just happens, and I don’t expect that at all in return.”

Before I could even stop myself, I found myself turning towards him, repeating his words in an almost childish voice. “You like me.”

“A lot,” he promised, pressing his lips to my cheek and leaving them there as his head tilted downwards slightly. “I wouldn’t have come to this dinner if I didn’t. You have to have the sister’s seal of approval of you want the relationship going anywhere.”

I took in his words, eagerness enveloping my very core as it seemed that my breath was knocked away. “She likes you,” I assured him quickly. “She likes how you’re my best friend.”

“Then I guess I’m your boyfriend,” he said matter-of-factly, smirking against my skin in a way that could only be described as a challenge.

“I have a boyfriend,” I breathed, running my hand through my hair as I leaned backwards, almost in shock since I didn’t necessarily believe the words leaving my lips.

“Yes you do,” he responded. “And as your boyfriend, I am entitled to all the kisses, hugs, little cute love bite things that you like and anything else whenever I want,” he said victoriously, pulling me into him. “And all the cuddles too.”

I shook my head, resuming my previous position as I pushed his knee gently, telling him I just wanted a bit of space.

“Don’t laugh at me,” I warned, “but I did a lot of thinking last night and there’s some things that I want to tell you and I don’t know how to say it, but just, don’t laugh at me,” I begged.

“I could never laugh at you,” he said dumbfounded, spreading out on my bed once more, although this time it was his hand cradling my foot, so I knew his head was closer to me than before. I sighed as his magic fingers massaged the bottom of my foot since he just loved touching me for some unknown reason.

“I never thought I’d have a friend,” I blurted out. “People just didn’t like me since elementary school. I was different and not that kind where people like this kid, it’s more like they were scared to get to know me and I didn’t mind that. I don’t really like people,” I admitted.

“Yeah, I sort of figured that out,” he said seriously, provoking me to shoot my hand out, slapping him lightly on the back.

“Dayne, be serious. I don’t know how to say any of this.”

“I am being serious,” he defended. “I love it when you tell me about yourself, but you seem so nervous, I don’t want you to be nervous.”

“I appreciate the concern, but it’s hard not to tell you this without being nervous because I’m going to sound like a freak.”

“Okay, fine,” he said quietly. “Continue, no interruptions.”

“Okay, yeah,” I said, feeling stupid for even having to repeat myself. “I had no friends and with that just came a lot of things. I was lonely, I wanted to be alone constantly, I felt weird when I was around other people. I didn’t enjoy being around other people and would even try to argue my way out of group projects and I just learned to reject all human contact.”

I could hear Dayne’s intake of breath, as if he were about to cut in with some form of encouragement like he always does, so I made sure to beat him to the punch before I lost my nerve. “That includes intimate anything, Dayne,” I blurted. “I had absolutely no desire to be intimate with anyone or give kisses to anyone or just do anything with anyone. The prospect of trusting someone so much to… to touch me and see me, every inch of me,” I stressed, “thoroughly disgusted me because society sucks.”

I paused, biting my lip as if I were trying to figure out what to say next while I attempted to gauge Dayne’s reaction, but he was deadly quiet, his hand still on my foot, as if he finally realized that this wasn’t easy for me to explain.

“I just had major trust issues and stuff,” I said. “All I had was Kat and I was okay with that. I didn’t need anyone to make me feel okay with myself, just as long as I was. I didn’t need a person to make me feel complete if I couldn’t even stand the prospect of letting people who were so mean and rude into my life in ways that would be so important to me. I couldn’t… have a lover,” I stressed to him. “So I pretty much became asexual. I didn’t want people touching me at all, it was like they’d tinge me with their maliciousness or something. I didn’t have the smallest desire to have someone in my life that would eventually just… make love to me, I guess you can say. Sex just disgusted me and anything leading up to it was stupid and pointless because how is it possible for someone to give themselves to someone if I couldn’t find myself to be attracted to people. Physical attributes meant absolutely nothing to me since I can’t see you the way that… that I wish I could,” I stumbled, frowning slightly, “but peoples personalities were so ugly that it just canceled it all out and made me lose complete interest.”

“And then, sometime when I was around thirteen, I fell down the stairs and just really banged myself up. I stayed a few nights in the hospital because they didn’t want me home unsupervised even though they’d let someone like you out after they bandaged you up because you can handle yourself. And while I was in the hospital, they put me in a room with this guy named Aaron just because he was blind too. And I guess you can say that I immediately connected with Aaron because he understood me,” I told him. “And he kept telling me all about his life and it was such a shock to me because this blind guy has a wife and kids. He made something of himself and just didn’t let his ability hinder him and he showed me that there are some people out there who are different from everyone else.”

I shifted uncomfortably, my back stiffening and within seconds, Dayne’s arms were around me, pulling me into him, and as I lay on my side, my leg slung carelessly over his hip as he cradled my thigh, his free hand pressed right over my heart, I continued telling him everything, feeling much more comfortable as his head rested itself on top of mine.

“So I returned to school that year with a more positive outlook on everything. It was still pretty cynical since everyone in our town has been here since we were born. No one changes over a summer, but I guess you can say I was more accepting, and that’s when I began to people watch. I would just listen, eavesdrop, observe people in any way possible looking for something that could give me any type of hope and I discovered that girls suck,” I blurted, earning a quiet chuckle from him. “They’re the most vain, materialistic people that care so much about their looks and what this or that hot guy thinks of them. Looks mean absolutely nothing, it’s all about personality and they’re just too stuck up to notice it and I thought about it more and more and decided that I couldn’t deal with having a woman in my life, if I were even lucky enough to find love. I wouldn’t be capable of being what they need in life. They require that warmth and safety that I can’t give because I myself need it if I were to allow someone else in my life since I’ve gone so long without someone else in my life. And I realized that they only way I could get that was from a man,” I continued.

“And not just any man, a true honest gentleman that I could respect, so I finally accepted that, yes, I would be willing to find love if that special guy came along and that it had to be with a man, not a woman, and Kat being the amazing sister that she is was supportive of me from the start. So I continued my people watching, just listening for a guy that didn’t think with the wrong head basically.”

I earned another chuckle from Dayne. “I’m sorry, I must really be rambling right now,” I said nervously.

“No, no, no,” he said quickly, pulling me into him so that every bit of me was pressed up against him again, cuddling me to his chest as he placed his head on mine once more. “Keep going,” he insisted. “I want to hear it. I just get why you were so eager to…” he struggled for the words, “be the dominant one for once tonight.”

“Okay, okay,” I said quietly, waving him off before this got awkward, “I just never thought someone would actually want to hear it,” I found myself saying.

“Keep going,” he demanded, holding me to his chest firmly yet gently at the same time.

“So, yeah,” I muttered awkwardly. “I realized I was gay and I was just okay with it because in the end, I can relate more to a guy than I could a woman and only a man is capable of giving me everything that I would need in a relationship and I was waiting for that guy to come along, but there was this one name that repeatedly came up in conversation amongst both men and women alike and I began to despise this… Dayne Greenly person,” I continued on, feeling awkward that Dayne would still even want to hold me after I just admitted that to him. “People liked him. They wanted to be with him romantically and physically, or just be friends with him, and they were kind to him just because. He didn’t play sports, he just focused on his writing, and I didn’t play any sports and focused on my writing, but no one was nice to me because I was the blind freak. This kid basically had the life that I wished I had. Everything would be easier if I could see, and I guess I could have gotten teased a bit less if I didn’t enjoy dying my hair white so much just to hear people’s shocked reactions.”

“I thought it was ballsy,” he cut in, telling me to go on as he began to rake his nails across my back.

“But then, this kid who I had never met before became my journalism partner, and I was forced to talk to him and realize that he didn’t really suck all that much and I actually liked him because he’s had a lot of similar experiences to my own and he didn’t care that I was blind. He was curious,” I found myself saying, remembering the little episode where he waved his hand in front of my face, “but he was accepting and just didn’t give a crap about it and I found myself liking the idea that maybe my gentlemen came running into my life, so I started crushing. And then he kissed me,” I said, remembering the way that I melted so quickly at Dayne’s mercy.

Within seconds his lips came down on mine gently and I laughed, pushing him away. “Dayne,” I scolded.

“But you’re my boyfriend,” he reasoned, pouting against my neck.

“But you want me to finish my story.” He said nothing and I took that as my cue to continue. “And when this amazing boy kissed me, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I… I liked it. I liked the feeling of having this guy just make me putty in his hands and it was so overwhelming because, yes, my senses are heightened and it seems so real that it was surreal, but it went against everything that I had lived by for so many of the prior years.”

“That makes sense,” he assured me.

I chose to ignore his interruption as he carefully looped his legs with my own, removing mine from his hip as his toes curled against my ankle, sending a pleasant shiver down my spine.

“So this guy kept sending me weird signals, like he was all nervous too, but he gave me more kisses, so I was okay with that because I liked his kisses. And then he asked me out on my first date and it was my turn to be a bit cocky because it all was finally happening. And it was the best first date ever in the history of first dates. When I got home, he kissed me goodnight again, and it was almost as if it had a new message, like he didn’t want to let me go and I stayed up all night toiling it over in my mind because it was so different and I realized that this guy just sort of meant a lot to me because of how much he went out of his way to make me feel… normal. That’s all I’ve every really wanted and I just rethought over everything that I used to live by.”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,” Dayne repeated, trying to cut me off before I lost my nerve, as if he sensed where I was going with this.

“Can you just let me finish?” I asked him, my voice barely audible as a blush started to envelope my cheeks.

“And now this kid is my boyfriend,” I said, smiling a little, “and I’m not really as scared as I used to be and I realized that if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, I’d have to change a bit of my ways. And I’m not saying that I’m, like, ready or anything,” I stumbled, “but I am willing to… to try new things if you’ll just be patient because this is just still a little b-bit weird for me, but okay because I like it and I can see myself… loving you one day,” I blurted out really quickly. “Like, I never thought I’d want someone to… to see me as much as I want you to one day. Not now, but I want it… I want something like this, Dayne, and it scares the shit out of me because I never thought I would, b-but I do… Really bad, b-because it’s you.”

A simple second seemed like an eternity as silence slowly enveloped my bedroom, swallowing me whole as I finished my long-winded explanation. I carefully disengaged myself from Dayne’s arms, upset that he didn’t put up the least bit of a fight as I crawled away once more, sitting against the wall at the end of the bed with my head on my knees once more. In the course of a single night I managed to get a boyfriend just to scare him off again.

My hands slammed themselves onto my eyes as my lip trembled at the thought. God, I really am a fuck up. I fought with myself, whether to walk him to a door like a gentlemen or just sit there until he leaves like a coward and before I even realized what was happening, I felt the bed shift in my general direction before there was a knee slightly touching the toes on my left foot as peppermint breath was being sprayed in my face relentlessly.

The calloused hands that I’ve learned to love so much wound themselves around my own, gently but forcefully prying my hands away from my eyes before encasing them both in one firm grip, the other one carefully caressing my jaw almost teasingly as his forehead leaned itself against my own, his lips barely touching mine, but touching them nonetheless.

And as he whispered those few words that made my heart stop, a few tears finally broke past my eyelid, sliding down my cheek and over my lips. I hated the way I was so vulnerable right now, but this is Dayne—the boy who gently leaned down to kiss my tears away reassuringly as he repeated that simple sentence that seemed to make me shake with desire.

“I want to see you one day too, Joshua.”