I Hate Myself Without You

No one was looking forward to the 10 and a half hour drive from Vancouver to Salmo. Josh and I argued over who got to do most of the driving. Ultimately it was decided as me, because I knew how to get from Kelowna to Salmo without a map. Josh was driving out of Vancouver to Kelowna, and we decided we would stop to eat there. I didn't want to leave late in the afternoon, because then we wouldn't get to Salmo until late at night. Josh wanted to leave around 10. Again, I won the argument; we decided to leave at 6 in the morning.

“Finley, get your shoes on please,” I said, picking up my bag. Finley jumped off the couch and shuffle-ran to me. He a light jacket on, and a Spiderman backpack with his story books and some of his action figures. I knew he was just going to fall asleep in 20 minutes after we started driving. Finley slipped his shoes on and I took his hand. Josh was leaning up against the car, texting on his phone. Finley tugged on my hand, trying to make me go faster.

“Mommy, let's go! I want to see Gamma!” Finley said, running to the car door and opening it. Finley couldn't say “grandma”, so he called her “gamma”. He called my dad “gampa”. When he first started talking until he was about 3, he called me “mam” and Josh “ick”. He only called Josh that because his sister Sara taught him how to do that. Eventually, once the humour wore off, I told Finley to call him “daddy” or “dad”. Finley only calls him “ick” when he was VERY upset with him.

“You don't want to see grandpa?” Josh asked, hoisting Finley up into the car. Finley shook his head while Josh buckled him in.

“No,” he smiled cheekily.

“Why don't you want to see grandpa?” Josh said. Finley giggled. Josh smirked. Josh started to tickle Finley, and Finley squirmed and wiggled in his car seat. “Do you want to see grandpa?” Josh asked again. Finley struggled to form a 'no' between laughs. Josh kept tickling him. I was standing off to the side, suppressing laughs. “Tell me you want to see grandpa and I'll stop!”

“I want to see grandpa!” Finley squealed in between laughs. Josh stopped tickling our son and closed the back door. I smiled and got in the passengers seat.

“Why did we have to leave so early?” Josh complained while starting up the car.

“Because I didn't want to get there real late tonight,” I said.

“But, six in the morning? Really Josline?” Josh frowned.

“Oh, put your big girl panties on and deal with it,” I crossed my arms over my chest, leaning back against my chair.

“I don't want to wear panties,” Josh mumbled. I looked over at him, a very amused smile touched my lips. Josh looked over at me periodically and then back on the road. “Get your mind out of the gutter R...” Josh paused suddenly, “...Jaulby,”

“You almost said Ramsay!” I teased.

“No I didn't.” Josh defensively said, keeping his eyes on the road ahead of him. I could see a slight pink appeared on his pale cheeks. I smiled and turned my head around to see Finley. He had already fallen asleep. I shook my head at my son. I leaned back against my chair and looked out the window. I had a smile on my face when the sun started to show through the clouds.

I closed my eyes for what seemed like a few seconds before Josh was shaking me awake. “Josline, hey. We're in Kelowna,” he said, shaking my shoulder. My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I saw were Joshes baby blues. I then looked around, we were parked in a gas station.

“Huh, that we are,” I said. I unbuckled myself and got out of the car. I stretched my arms back above my head, my t-shirt lifted it's self up. I yawned and then looked around. I hadn't been in Kelowna in a little over 3 years. It was kind of strange being back. Josh walked around to my side of the car, holding a tired 4 year old in his arms.

“Do you think we should just get some thing quick to eat instead of stopping in a restaurant?” Josh asked. I shook my head.

“There's a restaurant that I'd like to go to. We can pick up some things before we leave, though.”

We parked in front of a small restaurant that was near to where my old house was. Josh looked up at it curiously; Finley had woken up by the time we got there. The restaurant had a certain “home-town feel” to it. I smiled and pushed open the door, Josh following closely with Finley in his arms. A small bell jingled above me; Josh put Finley down on the ground and took his small hand. A familiar smell greeted my nose. I felt a sudden rush of warmth run through my body. There was no one else in the restaurant at the time. I walked up to the counter and rang a little bell. Someone's face appeared around a corner. I smiled at them, and they just stared at me for a few seconds. “Well, I'll be damned! Josline!” Greg, my old boss greeted me. “What are you doing here?” He asked me.

“I'm driving back to Salmo to see my parents,” I said, looking back at Josh, motioning him forwards. “I've been living in Vancouver the past four years.” I said. Greg, who was sporting ashy black hair and a greying beard, smiled, and the looked over at Josh.

“How long have you two been together?” Greg asked.

“About...four years?” Josh questioned.

“We dated for about 9 months in high school,” I added. Greg looked back and forth between the two of us. He stared at Josh for a while longer.

“Turn around,” he told Josh. Josh looked confused. “Just do it.” Greg said as Josh turned around. “I always forget faces, but I never forget asses,” Greg chuckled. Josh turned back around and looked at me. “ 'Most amazing boy ever', 'too young for me', 'greatest ass I have ever seen'?” Greg smirked at me.

“Yeah, that's him,” I smiled. “That's Josh.” Greg made a victorious motion with his hand. He then noticed Finley. Greg kneeled down.

“And who's this?” Greg said. Finley his behind Joshes legs.

“He's a little shy when he meets new people,” I said. “This is Finley, mine and Joshes son.” Greg looked up at me, and at Josh.

“That's your son? Wow...” Greg smiled down at Finley. “Did you know you're adorable?” Greg told Finley. Finley peeked his head out from behind Joshes legs.

“I know!” Finley said. Greg chuckled.

“Hey, do you like crayons?” Greg asked. Finley's eyes lit up, nodding rapidly. “Well, how about I get you some crayons and a colouring book?” Finley nodded again. Josh looked down at him.

“Finley, what do you say?” Josh told him.

“Thank you,” Finley said. Greg stood back up straight, his bones cracking slightly.

“Oh, I'm getting old,” Greg complained.

“You're not that old!” I exclaimed.

“I'm getting pretty close to 50 now. I turn 49 next week,” Greg said.

“Well, how old is Davin?” I asked. “And where is he?”

“Davin is 42 now, and he's picking up our daughter from a friends house” Greg explained; he grabbed some menus for Josh and I, setting them on a table. Greg walked into the back and got a booster seat for Finley, along with the colouring book and crayons. I hoisted Finley up into the chair. He grabbed for the crayons and began colouring.

“You have a daughter? When did you adopt her? How old is she?” I asked.

“Yes, Carlie. She's 13 now. We adopted her when she was 8,” Greg said, leaning against the till counter. “We also have a son, Alex.”

“How old is he?” Josh asked, passing Finley a crayon that got out of his grasp.

“He's 18,” Greg said. “He's in the back today. He actually makes a phenomenal veggie burger. I know how much you like those Josline.” Greg winked at me.

“Mm, that I do,” I said. “Well, I already know what I want.” I closed up the menu in front of me.

“Alex is also a big fan of Ellaries Dollhouse,” Greg added; I smiled at him.

“I want to meet him,” I said. Greg chuckled.

“Hey! Alex, get out here!” Greg called. There was a clatter of dishes before a tall boy walked out of the kitchen. Alex was red-headed, had intensely green eyes, and was very thin. He had a round face, and a few strategically placed freckles on his face.

“What's up dad?” Alex said. He had a voice that reminded me of Johnny Depp. It was slightly mysterious and light.

“I wanted you to meet an old employee of mine, and her...” Greg quickly looked down, and back up at Alex, “boyfriend.” The word 'boyfriend' had started to feel a little weird after Josh and I got back together; the word felt awkward, it couldn't begin to describe what I felt for Josh. 'Boyfriend' made my relationship with Josh feel like a high school fling, and not a partnership; it didn't feel like we were a family.

Alex looked at me and Josh, almost stunned for a few seconds. I greeted him and shook his hand, and Josh did the same. We talked with him for a few minutes before he went back into the kitchen.

We hung around for a little while after we finished eating. After that, we got back into the car and started on the 4 hour drive back to Salmo. Finley, again, fell asleep almost instantly. Josh fell asleep in the passengers seat, so I had some quiet time to just think to myself. I had the tendency to think a lot when I drove alone. It was a surprisingly great stress reliever. I thought about Jazz for a short period of time. Then I thought about Marque and Airin. I hadn't actually talked to the two of them in a few months. I decided when I got home, I would call them.

I also thought about my relationship with Josh. It was true, Josh was my boyfriend. I wasn't expecting to marry him anytime soon. I was content with how things were. I would honestly be shocked if Josh proposed to me. I also didn't know what I would say. I did love Josh, more than what could be explained, but we were both too into our careers, and too into raising Finley, to even really care about being married.

But, of course, I was always left in the dark about things.