I Hate Myself Without You

I had gotten into jogging, no thanks to Airin. It's actually how I lost a lot of weight after I had Finley. Airin had been trying to get me to go out for jog's with him, but I wouldn't go with him for the longest time. He finally explained his logic of how it relaxed him and how it was a great way to clear your mind. I really couldn't argue with him there.

I woke up a bit early to go jogging. There was a mountain that gym classes had to jog around. Countless times my gym class had to walk around the mountain. I didn't really mind jogging around the mountain, because I always had Jazz or Matt around with me. Sometimes, on my own, jogging was much better. Josh wasn't much of an exercise freak, and he was naturally skinny, so he didn't have much to worry about. I, on the other hand, had a history of fluctuating weight; I tried to stay as fit as I could.

My mom had stopped me before I left, wondering where I was going. I just told her I was going for a quick jog and left the house. I put my headphones in my ears and tucked my iPod into my bra. I had a playlist for when I went jogging; it had a bunch of techno and hip hop songs Airin had put on it. I really preferred screamo and metal, but I liked about anything.

I had gotten around to where the radio station was. It used to be a run down little shack that used to be an information centre. Marque used to work at it before it became a victim of a fire. They rebuilt the building and made it into a radio station. There was one show at the station that played local Canadian artists, and they would often play some of our ED's music.

I slowed my jog down to a walk. I started to feel a slight burn in the back of one of my legs. I turned around one corner and I stood in shock for a few seconds. Walking with another tall blond was, who I never wanted to see again, John Baker.

“Oh fuck. Oh fuck.” I muttered under my breath. I didn't know whether to turn around and jog the other way or keep jogging forwards. I looked at John a bit more closely, and he looked right back at me. I was frozen in my spot. I took the headphones out of my ears and dangled them around my neck. I was going to have to face him sooner or later.

“J...Josline?” John stopped in front of me. I looked at him; his face hadn't changed, except for a few years added on to it. His hair was still the same; same blond tint and cut. I looked over at him.

“Oh, John! Hey, how are you?” I smiled through my teeth.

“I'm good, what are you doing here?” John asked, disbelief spread all across his face.

“I'm down visiting my parents for a few weeks,” I said, placing my hands on my hips.

“Oh, same as me. I moved to Castlegar a few years ago,” John explained. “Are you still with Josh?” John asked suddenly. I stood shocked for a few seconds.

“Yes, yes I am. And we have a 4 year old, Finley,” I said. John looked stunned.

“Oh...well, congratulations then,” He said. I looked over at the other blond, John also looked over at her. “Oh, right! Josline, this is Megan,” I stuck my hand out to shake hers, only to be polite.

“Hi, it's nice to meet you,” I said. Megan looked down and my hand and folded her arms. It felt like a slap in the face. I set my hand down by my side. “Oh, well isn't she a keeper?” I gritted through my teeth at John. “So, John, how did you meet this lovely...girl?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

“I met her at Selkirk. She was in my biology class,” John explained. Megan kept her face turned to the side, looking at the highway. “Did you ever get around to doing any college stuff?” John asked.

“Yeah, I did. I ended up taking some online courses for Law, Forensic Science and I have a Bachelors in Music and Fine Arts,” I said. I heard Megan scoff a little. John's eyed darted over to her, but it was barely noticeable.

“That's great,” John smiled, “I'm actually working on my teaching degree right now. I want to teach music at a school. I was ever thinking of teaching here in a few years. Mr Logan is retiring in about 4 years.”

“He is? Oh, that's kind of sad.” Mr Logan had always been my favourite teacher in school, mostly because he broke me out of my awkward little shell. “Well, I wish you good luck on that.” I nodded my head and smiled. John looked down at his watch.

“Oh, we better get going. It was really great seeing you again Josline,” John said.

“Great seeing you too. And, nice meeting you Megan,” I said. She just looked at me and nodded. I waved bye to John and continued on my jog. I turned a corner and slowed down by Joshes old house. I stared at it for a long while. An idea clicked in my head. Words started running through it. I knew I had to get home and write the words down.

I swung open the front door, kicked off my shoes, closed the door behind me and nearly ran to my bedroom. Josh was just coming out of the bathroom when I pushed my way past him. “Whoa, Josline, what's wrong?” he asked.

“Don't talk to me! I have an idea!” I yelled back at him. I walked into my moms office, she was at her computer. I took a pad of yellow paper off her shelf, and a pen from her pen holder. She looked at me briefly before going back to her computer. She was used to me taking things from her office. I got down into the basement and sat myself down at the piano. I started scribbling words down on the page. I was down in the basement for at least 20 minutes before I went running up the stairs again. I walked into the living room, where Josh was watching Finley play with his lego's and talking on his phone to some one. I stood there, holding out the pad of paper towards him. He looked up at me, a confused look spread across his face.

“Yeah, Ben, I've got to go. The missus is looking at me weird. Okay, bye,” Josh hung up his phone and put it in his hoodie pocket. “What is it?”

“Read it,” I said, still holding the pad of paper out to him. Josh got up from the couch and took the pad from me. He sat back down on the couch, and I put both hands on my hips. He looked back up at me.

“These lyrics are great. Where'd you get this sudden inspiration?” He asked me.

“Who I ran into today,” I said. Josh looked back down at the lyrics and stared at them for a few minutes. I finally got impatient with him. “John! John Baker!”Josh looked stunned.

“Really? Oh, wow...” He seemed a little speechless. My dad walked into the living room and looked between me and Josh.

“Have I come in at the wrong time?” Dad asked tentatively.

“No, no dad. You didn't,” he seemed relieved. “I was just telling Josh that I ran into John Baker today.”

“Did you? What is he doing back here?” Dad asked.

“Visiting his parents.” I said simply. Josh stood up from the couch.

“Josline, do you want to play this for me?” He asked, handing the pad back. I took it in my hands and nodded. Dad sat down in front of Finley and started building a Lego castle with him. Josh and I went back down to the basement and I sat down in front of the piano again. I set the pad of paper on a stand and started playing.

Now I'm gone in your photograph
I bet you wish you could get me back
Now I'm stuck in your memory
A mistaken identity

What's her name?
What's she like?
Does she know that you'll never treat her right?

What's her name?
What's she like?
Do you leave her in the middle of the night?

You act like you just saw a ghost
I watch you getting way too close
Now I know why you're never there
Now I know so it's my turn to disappear
You act like you just saw a ghost
I caught you (Caught you)
Now I know
Now I know why you're never there
Now it's my turn, watch me disappear
Just like a go-go-go-ghost
Watch me go-go-go-ghost

The only gift that you ever gave
Was that you let me just get away
I hope I haunt you in every dream
And you feel a little misery

What's her name?
What's she like?
I should warn her that you'll never do her right

All your games
All your lies
I need to tell her maybe I can change her mind

You act like you just saw a ghost
I watch you getting way too close
Now I know why you're never there
Now I know so it's my turn to disappear
You act like you just saw a ghost
I caught you (Caught you)
Now I know
Now I know why you're never there (Never there)
Now it's my turn, watch me disappear
Just like a go-go-go-ghost
Watch me go-go-go-ghost

Just like a go-go-go-ghost
Watch me go-go-go-ghost

Now you see me
Now you don't
You must've thought I'd never go
Thanks to you I'm taking back my soul

You act like you just saw a ghost
I watch you getting way too close
Now I know why you're never there (Never there)
Now I know so it's my turn to disappear (Disappear)
You act like you just saw a ghost
I caught you (Caught you)
Now I know
Now I know why you're never there (Never there)
Now it's my turn, watch me disappear
Just like a go-go-go-ghost
Watch me go-go-go-ghost

I turned to Josh and smiled. “Well? What do you think.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

“You've still got it.”