I Hate Myself Without You

A few more days had gone by and I was packing my bags to go back home. I was packing in silence while Josh slept. I really had no idea why I liked getting up earlier than him. I walked out into the kitchen to throw out some garbage and saw my mom making some breakfast. “Hi mom,” I said yawning. She turned to me briefly and smiled.

“Hi sweetie. Good sleep?” She asked, flipping some pancakes on the griddle.

“It was okay. Josh snores really loud,” I complained. Mom smiled slightly.

“Well dear, you're going to have to accept that.” Mom said. I shrugged and threw my garbage in the garbage can. I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. She put all the pancakes on a large plate and put more batter on the griddle. She turned to me. “So, when am I getting my next grandchild?” She asked abruptly. That caught me off guard; mom could see that. “I mean, Finley's four. I think it would be cruel to not give him a sibling.”

“I don't know mom. I've never talked to Josh about having any more kids. I'd like to, but his career is just taking off, and mine has finally found a comfortable spot.” I explained.

“So, that means, no wedding plans?” Mom asked. That saddened me the most. I really did want to marry Josh. We had never really talked about marriage, or more kids. Our friends and family bugged us about not being married or about ever getting married. Mom sensed my discomfort and hugged me quickly before going back to the pancakes. “Just give him time. Josh will realize soon that you're the girl he wants to spend his life with.”

“I hope so.”

“Josh...Josh? Josh, get up!” I smacked Joshes arm to wake him the next morning. He grumbled and rolled over onto his back. I rolled my eyes and climbed on top of him, my legs straddling his body. I shook his shoulders, but he just snored at me. I always had a hard time waking him up when he was sleep deprived. I rolled my eyes again and leaned down to kiss him. His eyes fluttered open and he stared at me, a smile soon cracking his tired face.

“Why can't I be woken up like this more often?” Josh said cheekily.

“Don't get your hopes up,” I said getting off the bed. Josh sat upright and stretched his arms out while I pulled a pair of pants on.

“What's wrong babe?” He asked. I looked back at him.

“Nothing,” I lied, zipping up my Capri pants. Mom's comment about getting married to Josh put me in a mood. Not a pissy mood, and upset mood. Josh got out of the bed and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Somethings wrong,” He said, resting his chin on my shoulder.

“Nothing is wrong. I'm just tired.” I said.

“Josline...don't lie. I can tell something is upsetting you,” Josh said. I relaxed my body against his, heaving a light sigh.

“Would you, I don't know...ever want to have more kids?” I asked. I felt Joshes body go rigid.

“Josline, we're way too in to our careers right now. I don't think having a baby right now would be the best thing.” Josh said. He paused for a little while before spinning me around to face him. “Wait, are you pregnant?” He asked, his eyes wide.

“No, I'm not pregnant Josh. Far from it. I'm completely empty in there,” I joked. Joshes body relaxed again. About a year after we had Finley, I found out that I was pregnant. About 6 weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried. Josh was heartbroken, as was I. Ever since then, Josh had been a little bit sensitive about it. The doctor told us it would have been a girl. Since I had miscarried once before, I thought it could have been a girl. But I also had to take in to the matter that I had fallen off a stage the first time. I asked the doctor why it happened, and he just explained to me that it could have been from stress. Finley was a high-risk pregnancy, so I had to try to stay calm the best I could; Finley was 3 weeks premature, and they said it could have been because of stress that I had him so early. I could see the slight disappointment in Joshes face. I put both of my hands on the sides of his face. I stood on my toes and lightly kissed him. He pulled me in close to him and held me. We were silent for a little while.

“Want to make a baby right now?” Josh said. I laughed. “Your dad is doing an interview 9 hours away, and your mom is sleeping! Come on!” Josh laughed. I looked up at him. “It would make me feel like a teenager again. “

“But that was at YOUR house,” I said. Josh thought for a moment and frowned.

“Damn it...okay, we'll go to my parents house!”

“Josh, no!”

“I was kidding!” Josh smiled and kissed me. I hugged him again.

“Now, go get dressed.” I said, walking out of the room. “We have to leave in a few minutes!” I heard Josh mumble.

“We could have done it in a few minutes...” I rolled my eyes and went to wake Finley.

The drive back seemed a lot longer than the drive to Salmo. Finley slept most of the way, and we finally showed up at around 9:30. Finley was crabby so we put him to bed. Josh brought everything in from the car and I checked all the messages on my answering machine. A lot of them were from people I owned money, one was Zack, and a few were from ED's manager. I erased them all after I listened to them. I sat on the couch and ran a hand through my hair. Josh walked into the house, locking the door behind him. He walked into the kitchen, coming back a few minutes later with two cans of beer. He handed one for me and I said thank you.

“I thought we could use one,” Josh said, opening his. I did the same and took a long drink from the can. I set the can on the coffee table, Josh kept his in his hands. We talked for a while, had a few more beers. I was going to go to bed, but Josh pulled me back down on the couch.

The kisses started out slow and sweet, but they turned to passionate and longing. He ended up pushing me backwards onto the couch and crawled over top of me. Josh and I actually hadn't had sex in in about 6 months. With how busy we got with work, we just didn't have the time to spend together. Josh pushed himself up slightly so his face was inches above mine. He black and blue streaks bangs hung down. “Jaws,” he hadn't called me that in years, in fact, no one had, “I love you.” He kissed me again, then slowly started kissing my neck. He got down to my collarbone, my fingers dug into his back. “My God, marry me.” I stopped and pushed him away.

“What did you say?”