I'll Have You Know I'm Scared to Death

"I highly doubt that Alex hates you, Zack," my mom says as I dig through the rack of button-up shirts at Zumiez, "I mean you guys could have convinced a lot of people you were a couple."

"I thought we came here to get my mind off of that?" I ask, picking up a red shirt and holding it up to my frame. "What about this one? Is this appropriate for the occasion?"

"I guess, it's okay, but why don't you pick out one with shorter sleeves? It's going to be hot down in South Carolina." she suggests showing me the same shirt with shorter sleeves.

"Ehhh, I don't feel the heat," I lied, adjusting my sleeves, assuring me my mom can't see them.

"Apparently," she mumbles. “When you get your physical next month, remind me to mention that to the doctor."

I nod, making a note to not remember. I have to get out of that physical. The doctor will see my wrists. I'm going to have to not cut my wrists until then, and put some sort of cover up on it.

I take the shirt up the counter and the cashier rings it up. My mom stands next to me as the cashier does so, I used to feel embarrassed, but I stopped caring about it. My mom buys something after me and decides to show me after we leave the store.

"Zack, look at the bracelet I bought!" she exclaims, sticking out her wrist at me. I feel sort of jealous that she can do that so freely when I have to hide my own.

My eyes scan the green silicon bracket that is now supported by her
wrist. I read the text twice to make sure I read it right, surprised my mom would by THAT. "I heart boobies? Wow, mom."

"It's for breast cancer. I'm supporting a good cause." I roll my eyes as we enter the food court. My mom hands me ten dollars and tells me to 'go wild.'

Which I probably will, because most of the food she's been forcing down my throat in the past day hasn't been that appetizing.

I buy my food and sit at a table seeing my mothqer was still on line for some all-natural, vegan, soy, hundred calorie meal and a diet soda. How she could eat that crap, I don't know.

I take some forkfuls of salad and sips of juice, when my phone buzzing. I wasn't sure if it was a text or a call so I whip my phone out. It was a text from Alex; it was short and to the point. No, 'hey how are you's or 'what's up's or my favorite, 'sorry for make you feel like trash.' No, it was one sentence absent of abbreviations, with punctuation.

We need to talk.

Instantly, my appetite to finish my salad disappears. I swallow, with much difficulty as the food seems to stick to my throat on it's way down. I push out the keyboard on my phone.

Cnt now w/ my mom @ the mall. When I get home I'll txt u back k?

I bite my lip and wait for his text. I hope for it to come really some since my mom is almost at the front of the line and I don't want her to know that Alex is texting me because she'll be all, 'see he doesn't hate you.' when he's probably going to tell me so the next time I see him, its a few moments later I get his response.

Alex: Okay, when u get home I'll come over.

Fuck shit fuck fuck shit fuck. That won't work. I can't tell him that though.

Fine, I text back regretting it. Why couldn't he have given me until Sunday to see him. Given me more time to brace myself for what was to come.

Alex: Okay, c u then.

I sigh inwardly as my mom sits down next to me. She looks at me worriedly an I pretend I don't notice.

"Is something wrong with your food?" she asks.

"Oh! No I'm... I was just waiting for you so we could eat at the same time." I lie convincingly.

My mom seems shocked... Maybe I wasn't as convincing as I hoped. "Aww, Zack, you're such a nice boy." she smiles and I fake a smile back.

It's a little later in the car ride back my mom brings Alex up. Well she brings up my phone and the fact that I only text him.

"When's he coming over?" my mom asks, staring at me through the rearview mirror.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well if what you said is true yesterday, you think on an empty stomach. And you barely touched your salad. You were also texting before I got to he table and checking your phone. You also, only text Alex, with the exception of once in awhile, some one else." she states, "which leads me to the conclusion that you were texting Alex."

I sigh, knowing I've been caught, "As soon as I text him I'm home."

My mom smiles at me, "I'll get your dad and Peter out of the house for two hours. You guys should talk. This is clearly affecting you. It's not healthy and if you don’t get things figured out, I'm going to push for professional help."

No, then they'd find out about my cutting and send me to one of those places for crazy people. And I wasn't crazy; I just... had an odd way of showing my emotions. I didn’t need some head doctor telling me that or stereotyping me under depression, when I just did it when I got in over my head. “Okay, mom,” I mutter in defeat.

She pulls into the driveway, quickly pushing my Dad and Peter into the car that, spewing some nonsense about them needing to buy better clothes for the party.

I send a quick text to Alex telling him it’s okay to come over. He responds and I go onto pacing around my house. I straighten up the living room, moving onto my bedroom. I'm not sure why either, probably just to get rid of nerves.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and the screen reads: be there soon.

I feel my heartbeat rate increase and my breathing becoming labored.

"Calm down Zack, you're just thinking the worst possible thing. Alex couldn't be that mean.”

Even as I say it out loud it sounds like a lie to me. I bite my lip, my desk magnetizing my eyes towards it. "Don’t, Alex will be here in ten minutes... one cut couldn't hurt... Right?"

I reach for the draw when I hear a knock on my door followed by a, "Zack! It's Alex."

I squeeze my eyes close and clench my fist. I head down the steps and open the door, allowing Alex to come in. He smiles nervously at me before walking into the living room, "we, um... kinda need to talk about yesterday." his voice soothes me. It doesn't sound angry or cold or anything I thought it would be. It was well, shy. Something Alex NEVER was.

"Yeah..." is all I can respond to. Alex sits down on the couch and pats the seat next to him. I set my self down and stare at him, waiting for his lips to move.

"Well, I'm really sorry for kissing you yesterday. It's my hormones acting up. Ya know? Taylor is a terrible kisser and her lips are all chapped and shit." he stutters. "But if it makes you feel better, your lips are much softer then Tay's." he attempts a smile at me.

"It’s okay, but why did you leave yesterday?" I ask.

His eyes widen and he picks at his nails. He doesn't answer.

"Come on, Alex, I deserve to know!" my voice is a little louder then it was the first time I spoke. Still his answer is yet to be said. "Alex, just fucking tell me why!?"

“Why do you care? You make it sound like you wanted me to kiss you.” He looks angry. I’m sort of surprised and scared, he never got angry. He was always calm… well, you could call it calm. He stands up and towers over me. His brown eyes are frozen and they reflect the light in a rigid form. “Huh, Zee, why do you care?”

I push him back, “Hey it was a question, I deserve an answer.” I put my hands up defensively.

He sighs and falls back into his spot next to me, slumping his shoulders. His fingers massage his temples and he places his head in his hands, “Sorry for shouting. I left because… I was nervous you were gonna freak out and flip a shit on me. Or, well I don’t know, it was stupid.”

“It’s okay, Alex.” I smile, before I feel his arms wrap around my waist and start spooning me. I let out a small sound, of content and relax into him. I feel Alex’s lips graze my hair.

“You know, Zee, you’re a lot smaller then I remember, but I guess that’s because we haven’t done this in a long time.”

I cringe internally, had I really lost that much weight? “Probably.”

He nods and starts to play around with my hair, “You know you have almost the same hair color as me?”

“Where the hell have you been?” I ask turning slightly to look at his face.

"Dunno," he replies, twisting my hair around his fingers.

"I’m thinking of dying it." I say, staring into space

"Really? What color?"

I shrub my shoulders, then mention "Probably some hazel-like brown color."

He nods and goes to grab my hands; he laces them together, rubbing my cuts in the process. I cringe and squeeze my eyes shut.

"You okay Zee?" he asks, concerned.

I shake my head, and laugh making up a quick lie. "Well me being a women, means I have a period as well as cramps." good save, I think to myself.

He smirks at my statement, "Oh, so it's your time of the month... That explains a lot."

I punch him in the shoulder, "shut up!" I squeal, my voice cracking after the word 'up.'

Alex giggles and pokes my stomach, "You’re so poke-able!"

Seconds later, Alex's phone vibrates right by my butt. I smile, knowing just the joke to make. "Well aren't you being a little blunt about what you want."

He rolls his eyes and shoves his hand into his pocket.

"Hey, hold up, that's not your phone."

"Well it isn’t anything else cuz there's nothing to grab."

"Just admit it, you want this ass."

"Yeah, I just wanna shove my dick in there." he fakes a moan. "Damn it Zee, stop or you'll give me a boner!"

I stifle a laugh, as he glances at his phone screen. His happy expression quickly falls to one of sadness.

"what?" I ask, trying to get a view of the text message.

"It's Taylor. Why can't she get that we're done? I don't wanna fucking go see her."

"She wants to talk?"

"No, she's lying about how's she going to commit suicide because I don't love her. I should just call 911 on her ass." he laughs.

"She’d be so pissed at you."

He gets a call the next minute. "Who is this?"

"Alex, is that you?" the caller asks.

"Yeah, who wants to know?"

"Demetrios, Taylor's brother, listen you need to get over here." the voice is rushed and worried.
"Dude, we broke up. I don't want to see her."

"She's got a gun! She locked herself in the bathroom."

"Shit," Alex jumps to his feet and grabs his jacket. "I thought she was joking! I'll be right there." he hangs up and looks at me, "Sorry, Zee, I'll be back as soon as I can.

He leans into me a kisses my nose, leaving my house and me as red as a tomato.

Did he really jut kiss me... Again?