It's Time to Forget, but I'll Always Remember

I woke up with a massive hangover, lying down on a park bench. Last night must’ve been fun...Not.

Most of the time I just run away from my problems and this is a big problem. Cadence loves me. And I love Cadence. This whole thing is just so wrong and I hate it. I'm guessing how I feel right now might be to do with those thoughts.

The drink clearly didn't help though. I’ve got a headache. I have a stiff neck. I'm bloody freezing. And those thoughts are still there.

When I tried to sit up again I found out that not only was everything I said before bothering me still, but I was feeling sick too. I lent forward and just let it all out. My throat was burning and I can honestly say that I feel like death right now.

Why me?

Seriously, what’s wrong with me? He’s a guy and I'm a guy and we shouldn’t be together. I just don’t want this. I'm not gay and I don’t want to be. I care about one guy, that doesn’t mean I have some crush on him!

Yeah, just keep telling yourself that.

I clutched onto my stomach as I started gagging again. I hate feeling like this. I'm such a waste of space. Look at me now! A drunk on a park bench. Oh this is the life...

You wouldn't believe how bad I smell right now. I can’t even imagine how I might look. Honestly I'm scared to even try and look at myself. Have you ever been truly disgusted with yourself? I am right now. There’s not one thing I can say I like about me. The way I look; the way I act; the things I’ve done. I hate it all.

I'm still in my uniform but there’s no way I could go into school like this. Part of me doubts that I’ll ever be able to go back. I know that I’ll never want to.

Cadence will be there.

If he’s there then I can’t be.

I’ll hurt him and end up hating myself even more then.

See. I do care. I care about him...

Without any warning this time I threw up again, covering myself in my own puke.

Tears started falling from my eyes. I'm such a mess at the moment.

Sometimes I wish I was more like Cadence. I know his life’s been hard, but he’s dealt with it and moved on, well, moved on better than I have. I'm a mess. I don’t think I can change how I am either, but Cadence can. He has loads of people there to support him and I know he’ll be able to stop cutting and all of that. He can give it up... I can’t.

I drink a lot and I know I should stop doing it but I just can’t. I can’t do it. This right here is an example of why I should stop; I'm stuck on a bloody park bench! I know if I don’t do something then I’ll probably end up drinking myself to death, but maybe that’s for the best. I’ll go away after doing what I’ve always done; making a mess of everything. Everyone will be happier with me out of the picture. Cadence will move on. I know he will.

Maybe if I got away for a bit, I’d be able to get over him too. Maybe...just maybe that’s what I should do.

If I stay here I’ll just do whatever I can to avoid him like I'm doing now, but if I actually get away, I might be able to straighten myself out. I could fix everything. That way we can both move on and just forget about all of this. Everything that we’ve done can be forgotten...Everything.

That’s what I want, isn't it?

No more Cadence.

Thinking about it made my stomach tighten again so I quickly bent over, prepared to spill my guts out, but nothing came.

When I sat up again I bit down hard on my lip. Do I actually want to leave Cadence? To be honest, he’s the only thing I’d miss if I just left.

I just wish I knew what to do.

***

After a few hours I managed to straighten myself out a bit and made my way home, only to find that my mum had already left and I had no way of getting inside.

I can’t go to school like this. It’s lunch time already so I’ve missed enough as it is. I might as well just stay here... But there’s this part of me that wants to be there you know. I guess I want to check on Cadence. He was so upset...Because of me.

That’s sounds like me. I just want to clear my guilty conscience. I’ll probably feel a lot better after that.

God, imagine how people will react when I get to school. I stink, I'm covered in sick, I look and am a mess. Going to school like this would be so stupid. I’d get in more trouble for looking the way I do now than for skiving off, so it looks like that’s what I'm going to have to do.

No school for me today.

Sitting in your garden for hours makes you think about things you’d rather not think about. I didn't have any other choice though. I had to think about all of this at some point.

I do like Cadence. I like him so much more than I should. God I'm in deep. Way too deep.

If I do what I considered before though and just left, would it actually help any of us? Would he manage without me? Part of me hopes he won’t. I'm horrible, but I want him to need me as much as I need him; I just suck at showing it.

Would I be able to cope without him? Wow. Will I?