Denial.

Sometimes I think being in denial is completely and utterly pointless and I definitely shouldn’t do it. I look at others who are also in it and think what fucking idiots. And just as I think that I remind myself how much of a freaking hypocrite I am.

And then I remember why I’m in it, denial, in the first place.

And I look around me at all my friends, full of laughs and smiles. I look at their eyes sparkling with excitement and youth. I listen to their voices, asking me questions, telling me about their day, cracking jokes like the inappropriate teenagers that they are.

The feel of their arms around my shoulders, their booming voices echoing through my ears and mind, it’s the reason I stay in denial. I do it because I love them to death.

I step into my house and feel her arms, my mothers, wrap themselves around me. The concern in her voice, the love, and I can’t help but smile at her. And I look at my father, who throws his hand onto my shoulder and says welcome home, son.

And those words are enough to make my heart soar. Because every son wants to be accepted by their father in some form. And I just keep thinking, what if they knew? So I bite my tongue and keep myself from letting it spill.

And I think everyday when I get tired of it all and just want to say it all, I just think I can’t lose them. So I stay in denial and I try to forget about it all by focusing on the things I love the most.

Like music, skating, family, and friends.

I push everything to the back of my mind where I keep it behind metal doors, locked and chained, and I keep the key hidden somewhere in the mess. I don’t open that door, ever, because if I do I’m afraid of what can and will happen if I do.

I do what I hate and keep secrets. But if I told the secret I can’t imagine what would happen.

I look at Zach, my best friend, who is smiling widely as he asks me, “Dillon, what the fuck are you doin’ man? The park is that way.”

I blink my eyes and press my foot against the pavement, my board coming to a stop. My dark brown hair, nearly black locks hang over my eyes. I’m often asked how I see with my hair always a complete mess and over my eyes. Every time I reply with the same, you get use to it.

I look down the street to see that I was indeed going the wrong way. Chuckling to myself, I look back at Zach, who I have known since child hood and we’ve been attached at the hip since diapers, and apologize. “Sorry dude. I was just thinking.”

“Mm, really? I didn’t think you could think, since you lack a brain.”

“Fuck you.” I laugh, punching his arm lightly and kicking my foot, allowing my board to go down the street in the way of the skate park.

And the two of us ride in silence, dodging the people on the street, who occasionally throw cruel words our way, and jump over cracks in the pavements. The wind blows through my hair and I turn into the skate park where I get a bracelet at the entrance.

Waiting for us are the guys, Yelenik, Harry, and Isaac, all of which are sitting on the hot pavement, boards in hand. When they see us they get to their feet, shouting happily and throwing their arms wildly in the air. Zach and I come to a stop in front of them and I smile. “Hey guys, what are you waiting for us for?”

And without saying another word I ride pass them going straight for the ramps. From behind me I hear Yelenik shout after me for being such an ass and not bothering to give him his manly hug of the day. But I ignore him and do an ollie onto the rail, riding across it like a pro, although that is something I definitely am not.

For hours the five of us just hang out, chilling at the skate park like we always do. On the way home we stop at the smoothie shop, our second favorite hang out, and we all get our smoothies, chugging them down and getting brain freezes afterwards. But we laugh it off because it’s all fun.

And as I roll behind them, empty smoothie cup in hand, I smile and look at their backs. Yelenik and Harry are arguing about a trick that Harry apparently messed up earlier. Isaac and Zach are prank calling someone and when they notice I’m not right next to them they look back at me.

Zach whips his head to the side, getting his long brown hair out of his eyes, and laughs. “Man, what the hell are you doing back there? Get your scrawny ass up here!”

I laugh and do as I’m told, sliding up behind him. The five of us are laughing and smiling the entire way home and when I get to my house my mother is there. She is smiling at me the moment I step into the door and gestures for me to come to her.

Sloppily, she kisses my cheek and asks, “Have fun today sweetie?”

Nodding my head, I reply, “Yeah, it was pretty cool.”

“That’s good. I’m making hamburgers for dinner tonight, so you go upstairs and wash your hands.”

I obey her and go up the steps to the bathroom. There I wash my hands and as I’m doing so a strong arm is thrown around my neck. I laugh as my father throws me into a head lock, which isn’t unusual. We rough house each other often actually.

So I smile at him as he shows his affection to me, his only son and it makes me feel good to know that I am his son and he isn’t afraid to admit it.

“Hey brat, do you always listen to what your mother says?”

“Don’t tease me old man, you do too.”

He scoffs because we both know it’s true. He listens to everything mother says. Laughing, he lets go of me, tells me he loves me and leaves for work since he’s on night shift this week. I wave good-bye and go back to the kitchen to see that Zach there.

I shake my head at him, because he always randomly invites himself. I think I rid myself of him and then there he is, smiling and eating my dinner. But I’m not annoyed and I take my seat next to him, listening intently as he tells me about all the cool tricks he pulled off this day.

As I listen to my mother laugh, my best friend’s stories I can’t help but think, yeah this is the life. And all this, all these things I do day by day are the reasons that I stay in denial. Because I can’t lose this. I can’t lose any of it.