Denial.

“What are friends for?” Jordan asks, facing me only slightly and only for a mere moment before he finally turns and hurries out of the house, causing me to flinch. The sound of his car peeling out of the drive way and disappearing down the road is what makes me sigh and fall down to my knee’s.

Damn it! How could I have been so stupid? I shouldn’t have…I knew I shouldn’t have. I should have locked the front door or at least the door to my room. That should have been the first thing I thought of, locking the damn door. But no, I have to be a dumb ass and not lock the door. Now…now Jordan knows. Jordan. The one person I didn’t want to know now knows.

What now? I bite my lip and grip at the carpet. My nails dig into the floor and I huff, angrily. I feel disgusting and dirty because not only does Jordan know but he even saw. That only makes all of this ten times worse.

He didn’t seem too pleased with the news either. If anything, I think I might have heard some disgust in his voice which means he’s…disgusted with me? I don’t want to think like that but it’s true, right? It has to be true. Jordan, the one boy I never wanted to hate me, is disgusted with me and although he promised not to tell anyone, he still knows, which must be uncomfortable.

I mean, we’ve hung out, we’ve changed in front of each other, we’ve hugged, we’ve done a lot of things together and now he’s probably regretting all of it. We’ll probably never hang out like we use to. What about movie night? I doubt that’ll happen. Gym class? Yeah, he probably won’t change in front of me anymore now.No, it was such a nice view!

I slam my face into the floor and after cursing myself and my idiocy, I get to my feet. I drag them behind me as I walk to the bathroom where I take a nice, steaming hot shower. Sadly, the water did wash my thoughts away. Not that I thought it would but one can hope. After washing off all the sweat from my previous work out, I jump out and wrap a towel around my waist.

Just as I do, I hear my parents. “Dillon we’re home!”

I grunt in response and slam my door shut behind me. It’s kind of my way of saying don’t talk to me without flipping out. Of course, mother is worried and soon she’s at my door, knocking and asking if there is anything I want or if I want to talk.

Silence is all she gets so she leaves and I change before jumping into bed. After burying my face into the pillows, I fall asleep and beg for mercy and to let this sleep be a good one. I don’t want to think about today, what Jordan saw, or anything really. I just want a dreamless sleep…and thankfully, that’s what I get.

~

Monday morning rolls around and I’m beyond nervous. I throw on a pair of worn out jeans, my favorite pair of vans, and a Volcom t-shirt. I don’t do my hair, because I’m a bum and instead throw a gray beanie on. I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t help but feel like punching my reflection. I resist the urge and head down to the kitchen where I get myself a pop tart for breakfast.

I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to face Jordan but I have to. Sighing, I jump onto my board, shove my hands in my pockets, and begin my ride to school with nothing but worries on my mind.

What is Jordan going to do? Did he tell anyone? No…Jordan would never do that. Even if he’s disgusted with me now I’m sure he would never tell anyone my secret. He isn’t like that. Still, how should I act? The same…I have to act the same or someone might get suspicious but what about Jordan? Is he going to act the same?

I hope so. I don’t want what happened to ruin the friendship we have.

“Hey man, you look down. What’s up?” Yelenik asks the moment I walk to his side. Sighing, I shake my head and somehow manage to answer without sounding like I’m going through the worst time of my life.

“Nothing…just tired,” I lie.

Thankfully, before Yelenik can push it any farther, Harry and Isaac appear and go into a long detailed description of their night at the skating rink. Soon, Yelenik is pulled into the conversation as well and I sigh in relief. Zach appears not long afterwards and I greet him with a manly hug. We pull apart and he goes to talking with the guys and I’m about too as well…until I see Jordan.

He’s standing before his locker, hands digging through it for whatever materials he needs. Just like every other day, he’s looking stunning in his football jacket, a pair of jeans, and a plain t-shirt. His hair is a mess but it still looks amazing and when he turns and our eyes meet, I nearly melt because damn…he’s got the most seductive eyes I’ve ever seen. Not that I’d tell him that.

His body stiffens and I frown at the gesture. Quickly, he breaks away from our “staring contest” and starts heading for first period. It feels as if someone’s tugging at my heart strings and I bite my lip while flipping an idea over in my skull. Sighing, I follow him and maybe he knows I’m right behind him, maybe he doesn’t.

I reach for his wrist and the moment I feel his skin, I shiver. Jordan stops dead in his tracks and looks back at me. The bell has already rung and everyone is heading for class but Jordan and I stand as still as statues, just staring at each other. I don’t know what it is he’s thinking because his eyes are swirling with so many different emotions I can’t put my finger on just one.

But the fact that he hasn’t pulled away or said something cruel makes me sigh in relief. Maybe he isn’t disgusted? Maybe he just…didn’t like what he saw. Well, obviously he didn’t. No straight guy would, I’m sure.

“I just…wanted to know if-if the movie night is s-still you know, ok…” I sound like an idiot, stuttering and trying to make sense but I just want to know. If we are ok, he’ll say yes. If we aren’t, he’ll say no. I silently pray for him to say yes or at least nod because I want our friendship to stay in tact.

My prayers must not have been heard though because I got the opposite of what I wanted.

Jordan takes his arm away from my grasp and my hand falls limp at my side. I use my hair to shield my eyes as he answers in the negative, “Sorry Dillon but uh…I can’t this week…lots of studying to do. Maybe next time.”

“Yeah…next time.” But I don’t think Jordan heard me because he was already down the hall before I even finished my sentence.

Next time, he had said. To me it sounded like he meant to say there will be no next time. I guess…he really isn’t ok with it…which means that I ruined everything.

For the umpteenth time that day, I sigh and head for first period. The teacher scolds me for being late but I ignore her and go back to my seat. Zach immediately asks what’s wrong but I don’t answer or even look at him and simply stare out the window, glaring at nothing in particular.

Someone up there must hate me because for the rest of the day, Jordan avoided me. He didn’t pick me right off the bat during gym, although we did end up on the same team because I was the last person left and Jordan had no other choice. He didn’t talk to me in the locker rooms or even look at me for that matter. We didn’t talk during our free time in the classes we shared together. He didn’t say hello to me when passing by my lunch table. He didn’t even look at me when he would pass me in the hall and at the end of the day when I tried to talk to him, he ran.

You can yell at me, you can glare at me, you can hate me, but for fucks sake the least you could do is look at me.