Without You I'll Be Miserable at Best

Chapter 5

There’s been a buzz going around school. Zack’s gay. Of course he it, I’m never lucky enough to get what I want. I’m stuck with this bitch. I could be with Zack… or at least his friend if it weren’t for Taylor. Damn it I hate her. I just can’t let her brother beat on him… I just can’t. If anybody has to cause him pain it might as well be me because if Demetrios beat him up, then it would be fault. No matter any option everything is my fault, Every. Fucking. Thing.

I mean, sure I could tell some one, but what would stop her from getting someone else to beat on him? I’m so fucking selfish. I can’t stop hating myself for all this. I could have broken up with her before it came to this. Before she found out I was in love with him and instead of her. Hell, I knew Zack didn’t like her from the start. I shouldn’t have even considered going out with her, since I knew how she felt. There are so many things I could have done differently but didn’t. I hate it.

I glare at myself in the mirror. I hate the site of the person that makes Zack hurt, the one who causes him pain. I hate myself. I throw on some clothes, not even bothering with my appearance. Maybe by looking terrible, Taylor would leave me alone. I throw on some sweats, random shirt and a sweat shirt. I leave my hair the way it was and brush my teeth. I looked a mess. Heavy circles under my eyes and sleep wanting eyes.

I haven’t been able to sleep since Taylor made me do this. Since I agreed to do so. I despise it. I can’t even begin to describe how much I hate it. I’ll just keep repeating it to get my point across.

I head down the stair smiling at my dad and mom. My mom gasps at me, traipsing over to me and putting her hand to the back of my hand.

“Do you feel okay, Lex? You look like death is upon you!”

I wish, I think, be better then dealing with Taylor. “Yeah, I’m fine, just couldn’t sleep. Do we have any orange juice?”

She nods handing me the picture and pour myself a glass.

“So… I heard something quite interesting the other day from some of the mothers in the neighborhood…” She trails off.

“What Mom?” I ask, I couldn’t handle her games this early.

“Is it true… Zack came out. You know, that he’s gay?”

I nod, “Yeah it sucks.”

“Alexander William Gaskarth, there is no need for that. Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean you can talk badly about him.” My father scolds.

“You haven’t told him, Alex?” My mom asks.

I shake my head ‘no.’

“Told me what, son?”

I take a deep breath looking at my glass of orange juice, “I’m bi dad.”

My dad let’s out a joyous laugh and shakes his head, “I’m not one bit surprised, my boy. What with you and Zack its no wonder… wait then why does it suck?”

“I have a dumb ass girlfriend.”

My dad quirks an eyebrow to this, “That ditsy blonde one?”

I sigh and nod, “Yeah Dad.”

“I thought you were going to break up with her?” My mom asks.

“Was Mom.”

“What’s stopping you. Zack makes you happy why don’t you dump her and go out with him?”

“I don’t know,” I lie, “I have to go, bye Mum, dad.” I kiss them by and head out the door, dreading every minute of school.

School couldn’t have ended any sooner. It’s just so unbearable there now. Having to deal with IT. I got out of my free period for a studying. I had never been so excited to study before. Thank the heavens that my teacher let us have one.

I greet my Mom and head upstairs to do my homework, which were really just a Calculus and French paragraph, but I fabricated the idea to Taylor that I had a twenty page paper on child psychology due in two days that I had yet to start. Thank god she was to dumb to take that class. I pace myself through the math worksheet. There were only twenty questions and I needed something to keep my mind busy. I work diligently and finish the thing in a quick hour, much longer then I EVER spend on homework. I then spend another hour on my supposed hundred word French thing, is actually a four hundred, page and half story, about what I do everyday.

After I finish I lay down in my bed, closing my eyes, knowing I’d have to shower soon, then sleep and repeat this vicious cycle. Maybe if I still look ‘sick’ I could stay home tomorrow. I don’t think it would surprise my teachers they all tried to send me to the nurse.

I open my eyes and go get my phone. No new messages at all. I hadn’t gotten one text from anyone in almost two weeks. This whole ordeal with Taylor had not only killed me and Zack’s friendship, but everyone’s friendship with me. This was probably another ulterior motive with her plan.

“Alex,” my mom calls from downstairs, “You have a guest! Rian’s here.”

I get excited at first, then remember how he’d become as close with Sky as I had and was probably here to kick my ass, or curse me out. I’d take either with open arms. “Be right down.”

Down the stairs I go, my eyes setting on Rian, he looks happy but I know he’s faking it, just like im faking this cheerful smile. “Hey, Rian, why don’t we go downstairs to the basement?” He nods, knowing it’s soundproof down there and he can do whatever he wants.

I close the door to the stairs to the basement as we descend further down.. “Before you say anything wait until I have the door closed.”

He nods, “So you know what this is about?”

I nod, “I had a feeling this was coming.” I whisper.

“I take it you’re scared.” He sounds so cocky.

The door shuts, “Good ahead, yell, scream beat the shit out of me.”

He rolls his shoulders and shits on an old couch. “You really have no fucking idea how much I fucking hate you.”

I have a pretty good idea, I think, but you have no idea how much my own hate outweighs yours.

In a swift movement, Rian stands up and has me up against the wall. He has his hand grabbing my collar and holding me off the ground. I never knew he was this strong. “You have no idea how much it hurts me to see him suffer. How can you just give him up for that whore!? Huh? Nothing to say to that huh?” I stay still, waiting for to hit me, to do some physical damage but he doesn’t. He lets me go, and shakes his head. “You’re such a douche bag. You don’t care you probably never did. You probably just used him, but hey new flash. The kid loves you. Thanks for breaking his fucking heart and self esteem. You’re disgusting.” He shakes his head and leaves, slamming the door behind him.

I slide down the wall and wipe at my eyes, tears pouring down at incredible rates. “I know. I’m sorry Zack. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for making you miserable. For making you life a hell. I’m so fucking sorry.”