Goodbye Doesn't Mean I'm Moving On

Two more hours and this was done. I had two more hours until I watched the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, completely disappear. Two more hours wasn’t enough. I shouldn’t have to do this to begin with. Jonathan should be here and alive, not here and in some shiny black box.

I hated funerals to begin with, but standing here knowing that this was Jonathan’s made me want to never attend another funeral in my life unless it was my own. All the black made it even worse. It was such a depressing color to begin with even if it was supposed to make you look thinner. Seeing it everywhere I turned didn’t help either. It was like I was moving through a black hole.

I just wanted to go home. I wanted this day to be over and done with. I was totally over breaking down every time someone came over to talk to me and apologize for something they can’t change. I felt someone come up behind me again, which made me try and put on an okay face for the thousandth time today.

“Hi Shelly…” the voice whispered as I turned around.

“Jordan, hey.” I said smiling as he pulled me in for a hug.

“You uhm, you look pretty good considering your situation.” He said awkwardly.

“Thanks…You don’t look half bad yourself.”

“So, Jonathan looks…Good.” He said trying to stop sounding awkward.

“Uh, yeah I guess.”

“I’m sorry, that probably sounded really stupid.” He rushed out. “It’s just that this is really weird. Like, I’ve been to funerals before and all but I just never know what to talk about. I don’t wanna like say something that’s gonna make you totally bust out crying or make you hate me.”

“It’s fine.” I chuckled. “I know exactly what you mean. How do you think I feel having to talk to all of these people?”

“I guess you’re right.” He said laughing.

Silence fell over us as we stood looking at the casket. I still couldn’t make myself believe that that was Jonathan lying inside even though I knew for a fact that it was.

“So…did you tell Bryce yet?” Jordan asked turning to me.

I sighed. “No…which is really stupid. I mean he’s used to Jon being gone, but how am I supposed to tell him that his father is never coming home? How am I supposed to do that Jordan?”

“Uhm, well, how about how you just said it to me? I mean I’m no expert when it comes to stuff like this, but I’m guessing that will work.”

“God, I guess you’re right. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I know I have to, but I’m not even over the fact that Jonathan is dead. I mean I look at Bryce and it’s like BAM, spitting image of his father. Marc keeps telling me that I need to do it, but I don’t know.” I said looking to the floor.

“You should though, he needs to know. He’ll grow up to understand one day. Hey, his dad is a hero to many people, it’s not like he’s going to remember bad things about him.”

“Shelly, can you come over here please?” my friend Shay said as she walked over to where Jordan and I were standing.

“Uhm yeah sure, just let me finish talking to Jordan.”

“Oh hey Staalsy!” she said before she walked away.

“Well, thank you for coming. It really means a lot to me seeing the team here.” I said turning back to Jordan.

“No problem. Hey, if you ever need me you know where to find me. Just call and I’ll be there to help.” He said as he pulled me into a hug.

As much as I knew everyone meant it when they said they’d help, I was seriously getting annoyed with hearing it. In all honesty, I didn’t want their help, I wanted Jonathan’s…

~-~-~-~-~

“Aim…Fire!” the commander shouted.

Each gunshot made me jump higher and cry harder. It was coming to an end and I had no idea how to handle it. Then TAPs was played and I was gone, I totally lost it. I couldn’t look at anyone. I just sat there with my head in my hands bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t even hold my son. Marc had been by his side all day along with the rest of the team. Now as he sat on Marc’s lap to my right all I could do was hate myself. Why can’t I bring myself to tell him what’s going on?

I knew that I probably looked like an idiot with the way I was crying, but I just couldn’t take it. Between Jonathan’s mother and I, I’m not so sure which one was worse from an outsider’s point of view. She was opposite Shay who was sitting to my left. Leave it to Shay to get stuck in a bawling sandwich and barely even cry. Someone had to be strong today and she was the one to do it. I know that if it wasn’t for her and Marc I would be so much worse than I already am, if that’s even physically possible at this rate.

“Mommy, you okay?” I heard Bryce ask me.

I can’t keep lying to him… “No honey, mommy isn’t okay.”

“Why you sad?” he asked frowning.

“Uhm Bryce, your mom is really upset about having to be here.” Marc said, noticing my struggle for words.

“Oh…” he said as we all stood up.

This was it, this was the end of Jonathan’s service. It was finally over. Now that it was though, I was starting to think that I didn’t want it to be.

“Hey.” Someone said, standing next to Shay. It was Sidney, followed by the rest of the team.

“Hi guys.” I said quietly as I wiped my tears away.

“Shelly, we’re so sorry.” He said.

“Thanks, but you don’t have to apologize. None of this was in your control. I never understood why people always apologized when someone dies, you know? Like I’d be totally fine if all they said was ‘Well, this really sucks’. It gets annoying after a while when everyone says ‘If I could bring them back I would’. Seriously, I know you can’t so just don’t even bother saying it. It’s never made sense to me.” I said in hysterics. Wow, this whole thing really was making me go insane.

“Well then, this really sucks?” he said confused.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that all of this is really strange to deal with. Look, I appreciate you all coming here today, but I think it’s time we all go home.”

“I agree, you need some major sleep.” Shay said patting my shoulder.

“You have no idea.” I chuckled. “Marc, could you take Bryce back to the car and wait there for me? I just want to stay here for a couple more minutes by myself.”

“Of course, we’ll be right over there.” He said motioning as he hugged me.

“Thanks.” I said as I walked over to Jonathan’s casket.

So it was officially over, Jonathan was gone. He was never coming back to Bryce and I. This was ridiculous, everything was so ridiculous. I felt like yelling at him for leaving his family like this, but I couldn’t. Instead I fell to my knees in tears, leaning up against the casket. This was the last form of contact I would ever have with him. Soon he would be in the ground. That wasn’t the way it should be. He should be above ground with me. I shouldn’t be here doing this, I shouldn’t have to say goodbye. But in reality, I was here and I did have to finally say goodbye. And I had to tell Bryce. But first I had to grow stronger. Today was the weakest I have ever felt in my entire life. I had to stand up and face the facts, I had to make myself believe that Jonathan was really never coming back. I also had to prepare myself to realize that the response I would usually get from him when I told him I loved him one last time, wasn’t going to happen. I had to do it though, I had to get past this, I had to let Jonathan go.

“Goodbye Jonathan,” I said standing up. “I will love you forever.”