Goodbye Doesn't Mean I'm Moving On

It had been exactly a month since Jon’s funeral and I was still trying to get used to being a single mom. Bryce had so easily gone through the funeral without asking any questions, which left him still not knowing that his father was dead. I felt horrible leaving him so clueless as to what happened. Every day I woke up saying that today was the day I would tell, but I never did. But now I finally had to. Today was going to be the day no matter what.

The week after the funeral the guys had started practicing for the upcoming season, and even with much debate of me saying I’d be just fine with Bryce, Marc still insisted that Vero spend time at the house while they were practicing. Today though, we were headed to their practice. Bryce and I had spent much time at home considering I never felt like leaving, but lately I felt the need to get out. Practice was the best idea I could think of and I knew that Bryce would enjoy it. He practically ran to the doors of the arena once I had parked the car.

“Hey there stranger, long time no see.” Vero said chuckling.

“Yeah, it feels like years.” I laughed. “It’s been like what, not even more than a day?”

“I know, I’ve been trying to tell Marc that you want time alone, but he just won’t listen. But what are best friends for?” she smiled.

“He won’t listen, you know that. He’ll break eventually though.”

“I don’t know, sometimes I’m not so sure what’s going through that French Canadians head.”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

~-~-~-~-~

After practice was over Vero, Bryce and I all went to the locker room to see the guys. Shay had now arrived at practice as well and was making her way back with us. We had barely made it through the door, and Bryce ran directly to Marc.

“Marc, we came to see you!” he shouted as he hugged him.

“Hey buddy, I haven’t seen you in a while. How have you been, is Aunt Vero as fun as I am?” he chuckled as he knelt down to Bryce.

“She’s okay, but she won’t play hockey.”

“It’s okay, she doesn’t play hockey with anyone. I think she may think she’ll break a nail.”

Vero looked at Marc sternly.

“I kid, I kid! Aunt Vero is more of a ‘sit and watch instead of play’ kind of fan.” he said winking.

“Like mommy?”

Marc laughed. “Yeah, like your mom. Speaking of whom, hey Seashell how have you been?” he said as he came over to hug me.

“Seriously? You haven’t called me that in forever. But I’ve been fine. You know, you can stop sending Vero over every day. I’m sure she has better things she could be doing.”

“Nonsense, she doesn’t mind doing it.”

“It’s not the fact that she doesn’t mind doing it, it’s the fact that she doesn’t have to do it.” I said crossing my arms.

“Listen, we’ll talk about this later. Go talk to the guys, they’ve been wondering how you are. I’ve got Bryce.” he smiled.

“Marc I’m serious. Sending people to practically babysit me is unnecessary. I know that you care and all but-.”

“Shelly, like I said, we’ll talk about it later. Go talk to the rest of the guys.”

“But Marc I-.”

“Go. Everyone misses you hanging around. Especially a certain Staalsy,” he said winking.

“Fine, but this conversation isn’t over!” I said as I began to walk away.

I understood why Marc wanted Vero to stay with me, but she didn’t have to. It’s not like I plan on doing anything stupid that would jeopardize my son. If anyone thought that, they were absolutely crazy. It’s bad enough that he lost his dad, but if people thought that I would get so depressed and kill myself, I dunno what they’re thinking. I would never put Bryce in that kind of situation. A child needs their parents, or in Bryce’s case, parent. Him not having either at such a young age would be horrendous.

As I made my way around the locker room, various players stopped what they were doing to say hello and check in on how I’ve been. I was deep in conversation with Billy Guerin when someone had pretty much attacked me from behind.

“Shelly, I’m so happy you’re finally back!” the voice said as I was engulfed in a hug.

“It’s good to see you too Jordan.” I laughed. “But it would be really nice if you would loosen your grip just a bit so I could breathe.”

“Oh sorry, I didn’t realize.” he blushed.

“I’ll just leave you two kids alone.” Guerin chuckled.

“Come, sit with me, talk to me, tell me what’s new!” he said as he pulled me over to his cubby and sat me down on the bench next to him.

“Well someone is in an extremely good mood today.”

“Because you’re here! I mean, because it’s nice to see you out and about again.” he said rubbing his neck nervously.

“It’s nice to be out again. Well, I should say that’s it’s nice to finally have the guts to come out again.”

Jordan gave a slight frown. “I bet it’s really hard, isn’t it? I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like knowing that he’ll never be home.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty difficult. But hey, gotta get used to it sometime huh? I can’t go moping around for forever.” I said giving a slight smile.

“Here’s the big question, have you told Bryce yet?”

“No, I haven’t. And I know, before you even begin to tell me, that I need to do it. Trust me, every single day I say that I am but then I don’t. I look at him and he’s just so innocent, so young…”

“But he needs to know. You have to tell him. You have to tell him that his father died, but he died a hero. He may not understand right now but one day he will. One day he’ll look back at old newspaper stories or in a history book and think ‘Wow, my dad really was a hero’. But if you don’t tell him then he’ll never think that. He’ll never know how great of a guy his dad was. If you want him to know then you have to tell him, you have to keep his memory alive for Bryce.” he said as he laid his hand on top of mine.

“I guess you’re right. If I want Bryce to know how amazing his father was then it’s up to me to tell him.”

“Exactly, you knew him best. Well, besides his own mother and other various family members…But you get my point, right?”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “I get your point. Thank you Jordan, you really helped me out.”

“What are friends for?” he smiled.

Suddenly the room fell silent and then erupted into a fit of laughter.

“Mommy mommy, ew! Shay and Sidney are kissin’!” Bryce said as he ran to where Jordan and I were sitting.

“Hey little man, how do you think you came about?” Sidney said as he ruffled Bryce’s hair. “You’re mom and dad had to start somewhere.”

“Ew.” Bryce said scrunching up his nose.

“Just wait Bryce, one day you’ll have a girlfriend and little kids will do the same thing you just did.” Shay said.

“I don’t wan a girlfwend.”

“You will some day. You can’t tell me that one day you don’t want to have a family like you, your mom and your dad.” Sidney said almost stopping on the last word.

“I dunno, maybe.” he said shrugging his shoulders. “Hey mommy?”

“Yes sweetie?” I said, running my hand against the top of his head.

“When daddy come home again?”

The room that was once again filled with noise was now filled with silence. Whoever said silence was golden, was obviously looking at some cheap gold, because silence in this situation, was total crap.

“Oh man, I’m really sorry, I didn’t realize that-.” Sidney started to say.

“No Sid, it’s fine, believe me. Bryce sweetie, I need to talk to you about something.” I said as I pulled my son into my lap.

“Okay.” he smiled.

“Remember this past Easter when you asked why everyone was so excited that some guy died, and how you asked why they made it a holiday? And how you asked why people have to die?”

“Yeah.” he said shaking his head.

“Well remember what I said to you? How I told you that people celebrated that certain death on Easter because that person did many great things for many people. And how I told you that sometimes people die because God wants it that way.”

“Mhm.”

“Well you know that daddy is a Marine, which is a really important person to your country.”

“Yeah, that’s why he had to go away.”

“Right, you’re exactly right. Well remember how daddy said to you and I before he left, that he would try his hardest to make sure that he came home?” I said as my voice cracked and I got that stupid lump in my throat.

“Yeah. He said that he would come home and we’d have lots of fun.”

“Bryce honey, daddy…daddy isn’t coming home. In fact, daddy will never be home.”

“But he- he said that he would.”

“Honey, daddy died trying to save kids your age. I’m sorry baby, I should have told you when it happened.” I said wiping my tears away.

“So daddy isn’t coming home, ever?” he asked pouting.

“No Bryce, daddy isn’t ever coming home.”

“Oh…” he said looking to the floor. “Mommy, don’t cry.” he said as he attempted to wipe away my tears.

“I’m sorry honey, but it just makes mommy really sad. I’m not sure if you completely understand what happened right now, but one day you will. I just wish that you had more time to know your dad.”

“It’s okay mommy, I has you.” he smiled.

“Yeah, you do have me and I have you.” I said crying again. “And we’ll get through this together. I love you Bryce.”

“I love you too mommy.”