Horrid Thoughts with Hard Questions
Separation
Claire’s eyes dart frantically around the room until she finds me in a wretched puddle on the floor. Her eyes look pained and bloodshot. She kneels down beside me, attempting to place her hand on my shoulder, but I flinch at her touch and she yanks it away.
She just looks at me, her bright eyes dulled down by distress. I hug my shoulders with my arms and look at my feet. Why am I doing this to her? What kind of sick person am I?
After a few seconds of silence she asks, “How’s you’re head?”
“No worse than usual, I guess.” My mouth moves in some way that resembles a smile, and I hear her chuckle a little bit, but it’s not real. I can tell it’s not real.
“Lizzy, are those bruises?” Her voice has gone from sad to anxious now, as she traces the finger shaped spots on my neck. I don’t try to stop her this time. “What happened?” She’s nervous. My stomach churns at the worry in her voice. Fuck it. What’s the point of holding it back any longer?
“I was strangled.” My voice is stiff and monotone. My body is talking, but I’m not inside of it.
“What? Lizzy, what are you talking about?”
“I was strangled. Adrian saved me, got rid of the body.” I stare at the wall. I realize the importance of the situation, but I can’t bring myself to feel anything. I doubt I’m even making any sense.
Suddenly, I feel two firm grasps on my wrist, and she’s right in front of me. Her face is just a few inches from mine, staring into my eyes with pure determination.
“Lizzy, I need to know. Now.” Her voice is shaky, but strong. Her grip tightens. My body stares at her. My mind is watching from across the room.
“I’m a prostitute, Claire.”
Her eyebrows come together in confusion, and before she can even ask what I’m talking about, my body starts screaming at her.
“Is that so hard to understand?! I’m a whore! I have sex for money! I have sex with random men so we can survive! Are you satisfied now?” My body has stood up by now, and is pacing around the room. My mind watches helplessly.
Claire isn’t even looking at me anymore. “You didn’t tell me…”
“How was I supposed to tell you? You were so happy here! It was up to me to keep it that way! Then there was the accident. I messed up. I did something wrong. And he got angry at me! He hit me. Then he grabbed my throat, and he squeezed. And I couldn’t breathe! And I was scared.
All I can remember after that is darkness. I thought I was dead.”
The screaming had turned into sobbing. Claire’s eyes went from confused to solemn. My pain was becoming her pain—the one thing I’d been trying to avoid. The tears in her eyes were falling down her cheeks. From the other side of the room, my mind began to move closer towards her.
Next thing I know I’m sitting next to her, my head resting on her shoulder. “Adrian saved me,” I whisper. “I don’t know what he did, but he saved me.”
I feel her head rest on mine. I close my eyes and take in the moment.
“I won’t let you keep doing this,” she says, almost angry.
“I have to keep doing this.”
She jerks away from me and stands up to walk out the door.
“Claire, where are you going?”
“To find Adrian.” She says, as her body disappears from the doorway.
“Claire, wait!” I yell, and get up to chase after her.
She just looks at me, her bright eyes dulled down by distress. I hug my shoulders with my arms and look at my feet. Why am I doing this to her? What kind of sick person am I?
After a few seconds of silence she asks, “How’s you’re head?”
“No worse than usual, I guess.” My mouth moves in some way that resembles a smile, and I hear her chuckle a little bit, but it’s not real. I can tell it’s not real.
“Lizzy, are those bruises?” Her voice has gone from sad to anxious now, as she traces the finger shaped spots on my neck. I don’t try to stop her this time. “What happened?” She’s nervous. My stomach churns at the worry in her voice. Fuck it. What’s the point of holding it back any longer?
“I was strangled.” My voice is stiff and monotone. My body is talking, but I’m not inside of it.
“What? Lizzy, what are you talking about?”
“I was strangled. Adrian saved me, got rid of the body.” I stare at the wall. I realize the importance of the situation, but I can’t bring myself to feel anything. I doubt I’m even making any sense.
Suddenly, I feel two firm grasps on my wrist, and she’s right in front of me. Her face is just a few inches from mine, staring into my eyes with pure determination.
“Lizzy, I need to know. Now.” Her voice is shaky, but strong. Her grip tightens. My body stares at her. My mind is watching from across the room.
“I’m a prostitute, Claire.”
Her eyebrows come together in confusion, and before she can even ask what I’m talking about, my body starts screaming at her.
“Is that so hard to understand?! I’m a whore! I have sex for money! I have sex with random men so we can survive! Are you satisfied now?” My body has stood up by now, and is pacing around the room. My mind watches helplessly.
Claire isn’t even looking at me anymore. “You didn’t tell me…”
“How was I supposed to tell you? You were so happy here! It was up to me to keep it that way! Then there was the accident. I messed up. I did something wrong. And he got angry at me! He hit me. Then he grabbed my throat, and he squeezed. And I couldn’t breathe! And I was scared.
All I can remember after that is darkness. I thought I was dead.”
The screaming had turned into sobbing. Claire’s eyes went from confused to solemn. My pain was becoming her pain—the one thing I’d been trying to avoid. The tears in her eyes were falling down her cheeks. From the other side of the room, my mind began to move closer towards her.
Next thing I know I’m sitting next to her, my head resting on her shoulder. “Adrian saved me,” I whisper. “I don’t know what he did, but he saved me.”
I feel her head rest on mine. I close my eyes and take in the moment.
“I won’t let you keep doing this,” she says, almost angry.
“I have to keep doing this.”
She jerks away from me and stands up to walk out the door.
“Claire, where are you going?”
“To find Adrian.” She says, as her body disappears from the doorway.
“Claire, wait!” I yell, and get up to chase after her.