You Can Let Go Now

A million words wouldn't bring you back, I know because I've tried. A million tears wouldn't bring you back, I know because I've cried.

Sidney leaned over her grave, tracing it with his fingers. He didn't even bother with the tears that slid down his cheeks, not anymore. He let out the sob in his throat. It wasn't fair, none of this was fair. She wasn't supposed to die, they were supposed to get married, have babies, and grow up together. Have a future. Now, all he had left of her was the memories in his head. Memories he would hold onto forever.

"I miss you so much, it hurts," he choked, "I know it's a cliché, but it's the truth. I don't know what to do, Em. I've got the Stanley Cup, it was supposed to make me feel better, but I feel worse. I wanted to share it with you, I was planning on sharing it with you and you left. This is supposed to be the best summer of my life, but how can that be if it's not with you?"

Sidney felt a drop on his hand, thinking it was a tear. Then he felt more and more and he looked up, seeing it was about to storm. Perfect. He let out an uneven breath, his chest hurt. This was his last goodbye, only for the summer. "I leave for Cole Harbour tomorrow morning," he told her, "I'll be gone all summer. But I promise the day I get back I'll tell you everything about my day with the cup and everything. Okay? I love you, always."

He switched out the flowers for her grave and stood up, taking one last longing look at her grave before he turned back towards his awaiting Rang Rover.

As he drove back to Mario's, his mind was everywhere but the road. His heart raced as he neared the intersection of the accident. His hands started shaking and his eyes filled with tears before he pulled over in the McDonald's on the corner. The after effects of the accident were literally squeezing the life out of him. After rubbing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths, he put the car in drive and made it back to the Lemieux’s. He moved back in after her death because he was suffocated by the memories of her at the house they shared together.

“Oh, there you are,” Nathalie said, giving him a hug when he walked in the door, “we were worried. You’ve been gone for a while.”

“I was visiting her,” Sidney said, still not able to say her name without breaking down.
Nathalie gave him an understanding smile and a rub on his arm before asking if he was ready to go home tomorrow.

Sidney shrugged, “To be honest, I would rather just stay here all summer.”

“Sidney…” Nathalie said, knowing the exact reason why. He wanted to be able to visit Emily every day, as if she was still with him. Sometimes he felt as though if he pretended she was really there with him, avoiding saying things like ‘I was at her grave’ and rather saying ‘I was with her’, then maybe she really would come back to him.

He looked down, knowing that all the people he considered his family wanted was for him to be happy. He also knew that Nathalie knew his real reason for wanting to stay. “It may be good for you,” she said, handing him some coffee as they sat down in the kitchen, “to get away. You know, not have to deal with the hype of winning. Give you some space.” Translation- to get away from Emily and obsessing over her death. To not have to be reminded of what he lost day in and day out, Sidney thought.

He did have to agree, however, that it might be good for him. He would have his house to himself and Sam, get some quiet time. The constant partying after winning had temporarily numbed the pain of losing her, yes. He had felt good those days. But by the time the morning of the parade came, he felt it again- full blast. It was how every other morning was before he won the cup- he had to drag himself out of bed, not feeling he had enough energy to last the day. He had to force a smile on his face for his fans, for his teammates, and suck it up. Be the captain everyone expected him to be. But of course, since there was a whole article written on Sidney’s behalf about the terrible crash and how it was ‘going to affect his playoff performance’ right after it happened, everyone knew better. Even the fans.

Sidney forced himself the next morning not to go take one last visit before he left. He wanted to so badly, because as much as being there reminded him that she actually was gone, it made him feel better in ways. He felt as though he was talking to her, and maybe he would get a response in her angelic voice.

After saying bye to the Lemieux’s, Sidney put his bags in the trunk of the limo, and drove toward the airport, towards home.

Elizabeth laughed as her best friend, McKenzie, drunkenly made out with a stranger. It was her twenty first birthday, and to say her and her friends were wasted was an understatement. They had been out since five, and have been out ever since. It was twelve.

As she sat at the bar, a guy in his mid twenties came over to her. “You must be the birthday girl,” he said, referring to the crown McKenzie was forcing her to wear all night. “If I see you without it on, I’m leaving the bar tap on you,” she had warned.

Elizabeth nodded, “That’s me.”

“So how has your birthday night been, princess?” The man asked, and Elizabeth laughed, not even knowing what was so funny. Maybe the whole night was funny.

She looked at his blue eyes, and her eyes travelled down to his striped polo shirt. It matched his eyes. “I like your shirt,” she slurred, “It matches your eyes. Oh! I like your eyes!”

The man laughed, “Thank you. I’ve just realized I didn’t even introduce myself. I’m Matt.”

“Matt. Hi Matt. It’s nice to meet you,” she said, smiling as she reached her hand out for a shake.

Matt laughed, shaking her hand. “Are you going to tell me your name?” he asked.

“But you already know it,” she said, pulling him towards the dance floor.

“I do?” he asked again, confused.

“Princess,” she told him as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

He laughed and pulled her body closer to his as they grinded on the dance floor. Elizabeth looked over to see McKenzie with another man, wondering what happened to the last.

Probably couldn’t keep up with her, she thought.

Suddenly she felt the man’s lips on her neck. What was his name? Mike? Mark? Matt? Matt, she confirmed, the name sounded right when she said it in her head.

“What?” he asked. Apparently she had said his name out loud.

Before she realized what she was doing, she turned her head towards his, kissing him on the lips.