You Can Let Go Now

“It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullaby to keep from crying myself to sleep.....

Sleeping to dream about you, and I’m so damn tired of having to live without you.” -Jason Mraz.

Elizabeth knew she messed up the moment she got home. No shit he wasn’t ready. Why did she let that slip? She really hadn’t meant to say those words.

McKenzie didn’t help the situation. Of course, she didn’t try to be mean about it. But she did say, in nicer words, that the fault was on Elizabeth.

“I know, I couldn’t help it. It just happened. What do I do?” Elizabeth cried.

“Oh honey, come here,” McKenzie said, pulling her friend in for a hug. Elizabeth tried unsuccessfully to pull herself together.

“It’ll be okay. Just give him time, Liz. He’ll come back around,” McKenzie reassured.

“No he won’t. Summer is over. We’re done. I fucked everything up,” Elizabeth managed through her cries.

“He cares about you, Liz. He needs time. He’s probably overwhelmed. You’ll see him again, don’t worry. You were a very good friend to him this summer. I have no doubt he won’t forget that. Right now, I do think it’s best you have time away from each other though. He can get passed his problems and you can work on school. It’ll work out. It always does,” McKenzie told her.

Elizabeth nodded and whispered, “I sure hope so, Kenz.”
________________________________________________________________

“Emily?” Sidney asked.

“It’s me Sidney. I’m right here,” she said. Her beautiful blue eyes found his and she smiled.

They were in their house, she was standing in the kitchen, he by the door. As soon as she said ‘I’m right here’ he ran over to her as fast as he could.

Pulling her in his arms, he clung to her like his life depended on her. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this happy.

“Where have you been, baby? I’ve missed you so much,” he told her.

“I’ve been here the whole time, Sidney,” she responded, her hands over his heart.
He lowered his head and kissed her on the mouth. It felt so good to hold her in his arms, it’s been so long.

He couldn’t be sad about that though, only happy thoughts filled his head. There wasn’t anything to be upset about anymore, she was here.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too, baby.”

“Stay with me tonight. Stay with me forever,” he pleaded.

Her smile turned sad and she leaned back from him. Away from his touch. He frowned as she started towards the door.

“Baby-”

“I can’t stay, Sidney. I have to go, you have to let me go,” she told him.

“I don’t want to. Why are you leaving me?” he cried. The closer he got, the farther out of reach she became. Why was she leaving him again? His heart couldn’t take anymore pain.

“I’ll always be with you, Sidney,” she told him before walking out, and disappearing once again.

Sidney shot up from his bed in a cold sweat. Tears poured down his face as he thought of his dream. Why couldn’t she ever stay? Was it too much to ask for some happiness? Isn’t that the purpose of dreams? To be happy?

He looked at the clock, 2am. He should try to get more sleep.

Nothing worked, however. He tried everything. Counting sheep, even. All he got back to was repeatedly tapping his fingers. He tried to stop that, too. He knew it wasn’t possible. “Some of your routines and habits, hockey and personal life, are almost severe enough to be OCD. There’s medicine to help you.” Dr. Cole had told him.

He refused medicine though. Anti-depressants were not going to help. He was sure of it. How could a bottle of pills help get over a death? It didn’t add up to him.

He rolled over, 2:45 am. Shit.

Deciding he wasn’t going to get any sleep, he swung his legs over the bed and rubbed his tired eyes.

Shuffling his way downstairs, he was almost given a heart attack at the sight of someone in the kitchen. As he got closer he realized it was Mario and relaxed.

“What are you doing up?” Sidney asked.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Mario responded wisely.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Sidney mumbled.

“Obviously. Anything you want to talk about?” Mario asked, his voice filled with concern. That was the major difference between Troy and Mario. Sidney’s real father cared, yes. He loved his son very much, but most of the time he was very hard to talk to concerning problems other than hockey. Mario was the exact opposite. Sure, they did chat about hockey a lot, but he was more concerned about Sidney’s well-being.

Sidney shrugged though. He didn’t want to talk about the dreams he’s been having every night. They were personal. He didn’t want Mario sending him right back into therapy. He hated therapy.

As if Mario could read his mind he said, “You know, when I had cancer I used to get these really vivid dreams where’d I see myself dying in all sorts of ways. They kept me up all night.”

Sidney looked up curiously, wondering where this was going. He had a feeling he knew. “How’d you get them to stop?” he asked.

“I went to see someone about them, among other things,” Mario responded, watching his ‘son’ carefully.

Just as expected, Sidney stiffened. When he didn’t respond, Mario continued, “I know you hated therapy Sidney. I did too, but it helps. Nathalie and I are very worried about you.”

“There’s no reason to be-”

“You hardly ever look happy and you visit her grave everyday. You’re in this...routine. Same thing everyday. It’s not healthy.”

“I’m not going to force you,” Mario continued, “but please just think about it.”

Sidney nodded. He’d think about it.

“Now, I’m going back to bed. Try to get some sleep, Sid,” he told him and patted him on the shoulder before walking back upstairs.

“Goodnight,” Sidney replied. When Mario was back upstairs, Sidney laid down on the couch and turned on the TV. No sleep would be welcoming him tonight.

short and long overdue, I know. But stay with me, more to come :)