Living Life in a Downward Spiral

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up

My father had always been busy my whole life. The band was his life, and so were his band mates. That's why it was like we were a huge family. We saw each other daily. But I never felt like I really had that one on one time with my dad like Greg, Sarah or Kaly had with their parents. Mom always made sure she made time for me, even when Deen was going through his 'trouble' years.

I've always felt like I was the Black Sheep of the family. It seemed like I never really fit in. At family gatherings or when Dad would take me to the studio with him... It just never felt like there was room for me. For some reason, I always blamed that on me being the oops child. My parents had never planned on having me. They just planned on having Deen, and that was it. Yeah, well, now here I am.

I always think about what would have happened if it was me who would have died that night. What if we hadn't gone on our regular Friday Night Drive? What if I hadn't of begged my parents even though it was storming. What if I had actually listened for once. What if he was still here? Would my life still have changed for other reasons? Would my family be split apart? What if...

"Hey, Stef. You want something to eat?" Uncle Brian asked softly, kneeling down by the couch that I was laying on with Uncle Matt. I shook my head no and closed my eyes again.

"You should try to eat something, Sweetie." Uncle Matt said softly, stroking my hair.

"I'm not hungry." I whispered, falling back to sleep. I was so worn down, I felt like my body couldn't take anymore.

I just felt like slipping away from the world.

"Stef, Baby, wake up." I felt someone softly shaking me, trying to get me to wake up. I slowly opened my eyes to find out who was trying to pull me from my peaceful darkness.

I instantly regretted it when I saw who it was. I pushed back into Uncle Matt more, frowning at Deen. "Why are you here?" I asked hoarsely.

His face turned to pained when I said this. "I wanted to see how you were doing." He said softly.

"Well you can just shove it up your ass." I hissed, getting up. I felt the room spin and grabbed onto the couch. Those damn dizzy spells were coming on again.

"Stef." Uncle Matt tried to say sternly, but it came out concerned when I wobbled. I shook my head and started heading outside.

"Why are you upset with me?" Deen asked confused, as he followed me.

"I wonder, Deen." I spat venomously.

"You gotta clue me in here, Stef. I can't read minds." He said, throwing his hands up in the air.

I spun to glare at him. "You abandoned me at that damn barbecue yesterday, then you weren't even here today! You can't fucking tell me you didn't know what was going on!" I was way past tears now, I was beginning hysterics.

"I'm sorry if I have my own life now, and can't have my little sister trailing after me because she's socially awkward!"

I can't say that didn't hurt, because it did. My brother has never said something like that to me before, and it just about killed me.

"You know what, Deen, just go ahead and go on with your life. Forget about what's going on with your family, because obviously you can't be bothered with what's going on right now. And while you're at it, just forget you have a fucking sister!"

He tried reaching for me. "Stef, I didn't-"

"No!" I screamed, pulling back. "Just go away, Deen. Go away and never come back. I don't need you or Dad! I'll get along by myself!" My body was growing weaker by the second and I felt like I couldn't hold it up anymore.

Just as I was about to collapse, I felt someone's arms wrap around me. I looked at Kaly, surprised. She just gave me a sad look and held tighter onto me. "I think you should go, Deen." She said, glaring at him.

"I'm not just going to leave her like this." He hissed.

"Well too bad." She hissed back, before walking me back inside. She sat me back on the couch between her and Uncle Brian.

"You can't blame your brother for this, Sweetie." Uncle Brian said softly. I shot him a glare and he threw his hands up.

"I didn't say I was blaming this on him." I hissed.

"Ok, you shouldn't take it out on him." He tried this time, but just made it worse.

"Dude, just shut up." Uncle Johnny said, slapping his arm.

"Well so sorry for being in the fucking wrong, yet again." I said, before running up to my room.

"Stef!" I heard Uncle Matt calling after me, but I just fell onto my bed and buried my face into my pillow. I few seconds later, I felt the bed sinking and someone rubbing my back. "Hey, shh. It's ok." He pulled me into his arms and let me cry.

"He has to come back. He can't be gone." I croaked out, before the tears consumed me.

But at that moment, I didn't know who I was talking about. My dad or... Him

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up