Living Life in a Downward Spiral

It seems like only yesterday
I held you in my arms and said
You will never need to fear the dark
But unforeseen misery has come
Between your Mommy and me
And we can love you more, now we are apart

Daddy, he's got to go away
Coz there's just no other way
To live this through
Someday, you'll learn to understand
This wasn't what I planned, for me and you
Sorry, love Daddy

Everyday is filled with pain
But never feel that you're to blame
Sometimes life breaks, in mysterious ways
I can't make it up to you
Believe me I am trying to
No matter what you'll always be my babies

The words of Brian McFadden were on repeat in my head. He cared enough about his children to write a song for them. But my dad? I haven't heard a word from him since the day he drove off without a look in his rear view mirror.

That was two months ago.

I heard he's made contact with Uncle Matt and the others, but that's it. Deen doesn't come around much anymore. Mom mostly stays in her room, only coming out when she has to. Everyone still comes over everyday to make sure everything's ok. In all truth, I don't know what really is going on around me anymore.

School start about three weeks ago. It's nothing different from what it was a year ago. The only thing different is that it's my last year. I would say our, but I don't really have any friends. My cousins have their own groups and tend to stick with them. They've tried getting me to hang out with them before, but I never really took to them. It was always awkward.

I haven't even thought of making new friends since the accident. I can't replace him. There's no replacing your best friend...

"Evan, no!" I laughed, trying to get away from him. I had smeared a little bit of ice cream onto his cheek, and he was now after me.

"I'm gonna get you!" He yelled, while laughing and chasing after me.

"Betcha can't!" I taunted as I ran towards the water.

"How much are we betting?" He asked, suddenly stopping, a small smirk playing on his lips. I put my finger to my lips, acting like I was thinking about it. "Oh, that's cute. Be careful, don't hurt yourself trying to think too hard." I put my hands on my hips and glared playfully at him.

"Ok, Mister. Now I"m gonna get you!" I yelled, before running after him. He went easy on me, considering a tackled him to the sand in two seconds.

"Aw, look at the cute little couple."

Evan looked over my shoulder and glared. I didn't have to ask to know who it was. "What do you want, Landon?" Evan asked, standing up. I slowly stood up beside him.

"Oh, nothing." Landon shrugged. "I still don't see how you're related to your brother." He said, shaking his head at me.

"If you're here to talk shit, then just leave." Evan hissed.

"Hey, Man, I'm not here to start trouble." He looked Evan over. "You know, if you were to get some sense and ditch the social reject, then you'd be able to fit in fine with us."

Evan growled. "If I remember correctly, you date the 'so called' reject."

Landon frowned. "And I have no idea what was going through my mind." He sighed, shaking his head.

I felt the familiar sting of tears in my eyes. "You're asking for it." Evan said, clenching his fists.

"Just forget it, Evan. He's not worth it." I mumbled, pulling on his arm.

"What are you talking about, Stef?! Yes he is!" Evan looked at me like I had grown three heads.

"Just let it go." I pleaded, looking him straight in the eyes.

He looked back at Landon, then turning to give me a final look, before shaking his head and stocking off.

"Oh, poor Stefanie. Looks like you don't have anyone now." Landon said, mock pouting.

I shook my head. "Go ruin someone else's life."

That was a hard time where I thought I had lost my brother, and Evan, my best friend, was the only one there for me. It was a hard time, but not as hard as what was about to come.

***

"Stef, it's Friday. Why don't you go out with some friends?" Uncle Johnny asked as I went to go get some water in the kitchen.

"Just 'cause it's Friday doesn't mean I have to go out." I said.

"You need to have some sort of social life, Stef. You can't stay cooped up in the house constantly. It's not healthy." Uncle Brian said, frowning.

"Why is it so important for me to have a social life? Why are you guys so suddenly interested in it?" I asked, throwing my hands in the air. "Why has it become such an issue? I've gotten by with it being like this for my whole life."

"Maybe it's time for a change. You could get out and meet some new people." Aunt Leana tried offering.

"Oh, you mean people like Deen used to hang out with?" I sneered.

"Stef-"

"Why do I have to be so much like my brother?! Why can't anyone be happy with the way I am?!"

"We are, Stef. Whoever said that you had to be like Deen?" Aunt Leana asked, frowning.

I shook my head. "He never said, he never had to. But it was always obvious that he was thinking." I mumbled, staring at the wall opposite me.

They seemed to instantly catch on. "I'm sure that's not the case, Stef." Uncle Brian said softly.

"But it is! Deen has always been the perfect kid that Dad wanted. Never did I fit in there. They didn't even want me in the first place! I always was and to this day am the Oops Child." I got up and ran out. I kept running until I was to the one spot that I wanted to be.

I sat on my knees in front of his head stone, gently wiping the leaves off. "I'm so sorry, Evan." I whispered, a single tear falling.

It should be my head stone, not his.

My grave, not his.

It should be his life that he's living, being care free and happy.

I will always live with my past haunting me.

The past filled with anger, pain and regret.

The words that we should have never said to each other, were spoken.

The words and pain that we could never take back.

He was forever gone from this world because of me.

It was my fault that he would never live a full life.

I will always live with the pain, knowing that I killed my best friend.