Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

I woke up the next morning dreading classes. My Dark Mark burned a little, I could barely hide it while getting dress even though I thanked my lucky stars that I can wear long sleeved sweaters and robes. I grabbed all my things for class and walked to the Great Hall alone. I figured I could go to the library afterwards to finish the few bits of homework I never got to at Malfoy Manor. Even though I didn’t want to think about seeing just everyone at Hogwarts.

I have Defense first today, with Draco and with the trio. I’m not excited about that. Then double Potions and Charms. Most have Draco and just the whole morning with the trio. I can still feel their judging eyes on mine after what happened at Slughorn’s party. Especially after that run in with Harry made everything just feel awkward in my mind. What if he corners me and asks questions? What if he knows I’m a Death Eater.

My heart hammered fast and I closed my eyes, leaning against the wall in the hallway to calm down. I’m thinking far too much. I walked to the Great Hall trying to think of other things. Like how cold it is today, judging by the fresh snow that fell overnight. I ate my breakfast quickly and when I noticed Harry Potter with his two best friends, I quickly left the Great Hall.

“Acey!” I heard someone call my name, in fear I stopped and turned on my heel. It was Harry, without his friends.

“Yes, Potter?” I tried to keep a calm façade, but on the inside I was freaking out. He’s going to scream I’m a Death Eater in front of everyone.

“Can I talk to you? Somewhere more private?” He gave me a small smile and I nodded, we both left the Great Hall and he walked ahead of me. We walked right to the library, taking a seat in a more secluded area and took out our books. I got out my Defense books and went over the homework I didn’t finish the previous night. Harry stared at me.

“You’re the one who wanted to talk, so talk, I have homework to do.” I told him, not looking at him and began writing out the essay.

“Why were you in Dumbledore’s office, crying, with McGonagall?” I looked up from him, gave him a grim look before looking back down at my book.

“I think you know, Harry Potter,” I told him before writing down the next set of sentences, I know Harry stared at me unmoved by my answer. He leaned forward.

“Why’d you got to Dumbledore then?” His tone seemed almost dangerous, as if he was threatened by being near me. I looked up at him.

“Because I don’t want to be this way.” I paused and looked around before leaning closer, “I just want my boyfriend safe. My father safe. My best friends safe. Like it or not, Potter, I was forced this way. He killed my mother and he’s leaving my father for me.” I leaned back in my seat and I felt like crying again. I can’t believe I just told my should be enemy everything I just said. He stared at me with sympathetic eyes.

“You do know I’m the chosen one right?” His voice was soft and didn’t hold one ounce of arrogance. I nodded. “Did Dumbledore tell you?”

“No, Harry, the Dark Lord did,” I told him and I watched his demeanor change. I went back to my essay and waited for him to say something.

“Draco’s coming.” He told me and I looked up and saw the very boy I wanted alive more than myself.

“What the hell, Potter!? Did I say you could sit here?” I raised my eyebrow at him and I hoped that he would play along. Draco came closer and glared at Harry.

“Sorry, Blake, didn’t see you there.” He got up, grabbed his stuff and walked past Draco—bumping into him for good measure—and left the area. Draco took his seat.

“So what are you working on?” He asked so casually, I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“The Defense essay. I’ve got about a paragraph left.” Draco nodded letting me finish the essay in some sort of peace. Once I finished, looked it over and felt satisfied I looked up at him. “I’ve missed you.”

Draco scoffed. “Really? And I had the idea that you were avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Oh really? That’s why ever since we got back from holiday, you’ve kissed me maybe only twice? Or how about I’ve held your hand once? You’re always in and out of class before me. And then I saw you with Potter, what else am I supposed to think?”

“Draco, I’m not avoiding you or cheating on you. Don’t you think I’ve gone through enough since Christmas? Fighting with you is not on my agenda.” I tried hard to stay calm. I slammed my book shut and glared at him. I almost wanted to cry again. Draco’s face softened.

“Acey, I’m—I’m sorry. I’m just stressed. My mission isn’t going as well as I hoped.”

“Tell Snape then,” I told him with a pleading face. I grabbed his hand from across the table. “He wants to help you.” He ripped his hand from mine and my jaw dropped.

“Why? So he could just take my father’s place?” His voice shook with anger and I shook my head.

“No, Draco, he wants to help you.”

“Well I don’t want his help.” He muttered before getting up and leaving the library. I sighed heavily before getting up to walk after him. But once I got out of the library I couldn’t find him anywhere. Fuck.

I walked to Defense earlier than expected and thankfully Snape was alone. He gave me a look when I walked in and sat down. “He told me his mission isn’t going as planned and he won’t come to you for help. He’s pretty mad at me,” I told him in a hushed voice as he walked over to me, Snape gave me a swift nod before walking away as more students walked in. The trio came in before Draco. Harry gave me a look.

“Everyone please sit down, open your books to the next chapter and read. I want no talking. This means you too, Granger, even though I suspect you’ve read the whole book more than once now,” Snape snarled and I could see Hermione blush from my angle. Everyone did as they were told, no questions. Draco would look over to me from the side of his book but I wouldn’t pay much attention.

I don’t want to upset Snape.

About halfway through the class, mostly everyone finished reading, Snape had us partner up and try out what we just read. So as Draco and I partnered up, he apologized. “I’m sorry for walking away from you earlier. But you know where I’m coming from, at least?”

“Yes, Draco, I do.” He gave me a soft smile and I managed to smile back. I really wanted to tell him that I’m getting help but that would blow everything. Once the class ended, I told Draco to go on as I had to tell Snape something. Draco went on and once he was out of sight, I walked up to Harry.

“It’s not his fault,” I told him in a quiet voice, noticing Ron and Hermione’s stares and Harry gave me a weird look.

“Who are you talking about?” I shook my head and walked away. I don’t know who I’m talking about. Draco or Snape. It’s not their fault.