Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

After double Transfiguration, before I should head down to dinner, I approached Professor McGonagall. She barely looked up from her desk when she asked, “yes Miss Blake?”

“I’m wondering if-if I could see Professor Dumbledore.” I blushed at the stumble behind my words and Professor McGonagall put her quill down and looked up at me through her glasses.

“Professor Dumbledore is quite busy and,” she paused to look at me carefully, “shouldn’t you bring this up with your own Head of House?”

I shifted nervously under her stare and I tried to think of the right words. Do I tell her I’m a Death Eater who wants to do right? Should I trust her? Why didn’t I go to Snape? Oh right, he’s the Dark Lord’s stooge. I looked up at McGonagall and she stared back with an impatient glare. “I need to talk to him about the Dark Lord.” Her eyes widened and I sucked back the heart-in-throat feeling that is starting to develop. “I need his help.” Tears formed in my eyes and quickly McGonagall stood up and grabbed me by the arm.

“Come on,” she whispered urgently as she led me through the castle and to a large Gargoyle, she said some sort of sweet and the Gargoyle stepped aside, she nodded me to step first and I stepped up to the stair and she followed as it slowly rotated up. We walked into Professor Dumbledore’s study and McGonagall spoke first. “Miss Blake needs to speak with you, Professor.”

Dumbledore looked up from his desk and over to me. His brilliant blue eyes twinkled from behind his half-moon spectacles. “When did he do it?” I felt my breath get caught in my throat and my lip quivered.

“Did what sir?” Was all I could muster and say, my throat was forming a lump and I started to shake.

“When did Voldemort make you his own?” I felt my jaw drop and Professor McGonagall looked between Dumbledore and I with a grim face.

“Professor Dumbledore, you can’t possibly think Acey is a Death Eater.” I closed my eyes and tears leaked through and I almost cried out in a sob but I didn’t.

“Acey,” Professor Dumbledore’s soft voice caused me to open my eyes and look up at him. He gave me a very sad smile before advancing towards me. “Your mother came to me about a week before September. She told me about Voldemort’s plan for you. Did he kill her?”

“Y-yes,” I cried harder and McGonagall caught me before I fell to the ground. “He tortured her then killed her. He told me he’s leaving my father for me when I’m seventeen. That’s in six months. I don’t want to. I don’t want to be a Death Eater. I don’t want to be Snape’s eyes for Draco! I want to be Acey. Just Acey. I want to love Draco and kiss him without feeling like he’ll be the next one to leave me!” I just let it all pour out of me as cried and I could tell McGonagall and Dumbledore are looking at each other.

No one spoke for minutes that felt like an hour. Until someone walked through the door and I heard a faint “oh” leave someone’s lips. I looked up from my spot on the floor to see Harry Potter staring at us with his green eyes wide. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run. Dumbledore stayed rooted in his spot and McGonagall straightened. “What are we to do, Albus?” Her voice shook just a bit but she kept her composure.

“I think that you should escort Miss Blake to Severus, Harry and I have very important matters to discuss. Severus will know what to do, Minerva.” He turned to me and gave me a small, very small, smile. “You can trust Professor Snape, Acey, he will keep you up with your Occlumency lessons. And now Harry,” I looked to Harry with Dumbledore. Harry stood in his same spot, rooted with confusion and horror. “You will not tell Miss Granger or Mr. Weasley about what you’ve witnessed today.” Harry nodded once and I walked with Professor McGonagall out of Dumbledore’s office. We walked down to Snape’s office and when he noticed me he gave a small smile after seeing McGonagall.

“I thought you’d never come.” He nodded to Professor McGonagall and with a stiff nod McGonagall walked away and Snape pulled me into his office. “Our lessons will continue more than last time. You will keep up with informing me on Draco and I will see to it that he is safe. You must promise me, Acey, you will not crack. You must stay strong. You must make the Dark Lord think you are still loyal to him.” He turned to look at me and gave me a look. “I’m sure Dumbledore will tell you everything in due time but I need you to trust me.”

“I trust you.” I told him with a clear voice, it didn’t waver and I looked at him right into his eyes. “I just need Draco to be safe. That’s all I want.” Snape just nodded.

“Now, we’ll continue our lessons tomorrow after dinner. Now go back to your dormitory.” I nodded and left Snape’s office. I thought about what just happened but I felt so drained. I just wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep. I realized I missed dinner and I’m actually quite hungry. There wasn’t anything I could do about it now. Walked into the Common Room and Draco was waiting for me on the couch. He looked up and when he saw me a smile came to his lips. I ran to him and collapsed into his arm.

“I missed you at dinner, where were you?”

“I had to talk to Professor Snape, it was nothing. I’m going to go to bed though.” He nodded giving me a quick kiss, which I wished was longer, and I went straight to my bed. As soon as I fell to my bed, without changing out of my uniform, I was asleep.